How to cope with grief

Tick tock tick tock...It's late at night. 2am to be specific at the pt of typing this post. I tossed and turned in bed after Lil K had her dream feed. The obscurity of the night is augmented by the silence. It's somewhat tranquil, yet lonely. I roamed about my house, and finally settled for a moment, standing right by the window. The crescent moon hung ceremoniously accompanied by a couple of stars twinkling like an entourage. I wonder which is Baby B's star. Just as I was embracing the moment, suddenly a jolt of lightning seared through the air. Within seconds, the cumulous clouds opened up like a dam and rain gushed down like white-water...somehow, I felt this was replicating my inner feelings. The pelts of raindrops drenched the Earth and I thought I'd better catch up on work since I can't sleep. As I was ploughing through stuff, suddenly a moth (a big one no less!) flew through my window,as if seeking shelter from the precipitous rain. I looked at it and wonder if it could be Baby B's "visit". You see, the Chinese believe that when a person dies, its soul will reincarnate into an animal and more often than not, they believe that should a moth visit your house, it's likely to be your "next-of-kin". Well, i certainly don't think  grandma, who passed away when I was in Primary school, or great-granny who passed away when I was in Sec School know their way to my home given that I've shifted a few times! So, I decided. It had to be Baby B. I spoke to it and somehow, instead of fly frenetically around due to the prescence of a human being, it stayed put. I was convinced. But then again, I most probably am being emo again.

Griefing is hard work. It takes patience and energy. I was (past tense) in denial and you can't blame me for it as time is needed to achieve acceptance. All is not bleak and I having to cope and regain the sense of control. I need to invest my energy in the future instead of the past. I've been focusing heaps on Lil K and the hub has been a strong pillar of support despite not being there physically due to his crazy business trips. I need to evaluate my direction in life, values and beliefs. What is the meaning of all these? People always say things happen for a reason, so what is the reason? Was it chromosonal abnormality or the fact that i didn't nourish enough during my confinement? I'll probably never know. I know. I am going around in circles. Despite thinking that I've accepted, once a new school of thought gets introduced, it throws everything off course and I'll sink into my abyss once more.

Women don't seem to talk much about it. Researchers indicate that 20% of pregnancy end up in miscarriages. This silence is pervasive and unhealthy. That is why I am venting (sharing) a whole lot. If you dislike my incessant ramblings, I'm sorry, come back in a year's time. I know it's not my fault but the tendency to beat myself up because I know I could have done more to nourish myself is eating me up. It's nature's way of ensuring that only the strong will survive. That I know too. See, I told you I was going in circles.  

One way to cope with difficult times is to talk to friends. I did but the lack of empathy from those close by is rather heartbreaking. In fact, I find talking to aquantainces or  like-minded strangers easier. At least they are more objective.

I know that every advice given is all with good intentions but  I read a book lately (Gorgeous, Sexy, Rich and Strong) and I'd like to quote:

"Listeners should avoid giving advice, criticising what you have heard; or minimising the miscarriage. You should avoid saying things like, "that's okay, you were only three months" (Yup, heard that); using cliches, It was God's will (YAH I heard that a gazillion times!) or "You've already had one healthy child" (That's the ultimate for me!! N i get it ALL THE TIME!). You should also avoid relating of  your own story of loss (I personally find that rather good sharing). Some identification may be helpful, but keep it to a minimum. Don't try to stop someone's expression of emotions whether these are guilt, shame or anger. Do not invalidate how they feel. It is also not your job to take away their pain. People need to deal with pain in their own way"

Invalidation of feelings. That's what I got from many. I've been barking up the wrong tree. Each time I sink into an emotional hole, I simply randomly pick up the phone and confide in the first person I see. Too trusting? Too naive? Thinking that the next-of-kin should be my best bet, I did just that the other day. Not only was my feelings being invalidated, I was given the harsh option of removing the disturbing ovary due to pcos. Geez. If you are unmarried/ not pregnant before or that you have been living in the castle all your life, then who are to make such comments? (as logicial or rational as it sounds) Human nature. When things don't happen to you, you can speak with all positivity and calmness. You dish out advice loosely. Ok, granted not all are like that and am thankful for the strangers/ aquantainces/ friends in my life who are helping me find the purpose of life. Faith is needed to find peace. Maybe my faith ain't strong enough thus I'm still an angsty fellow, as said by a friend who was trying to get me back to church. The whole thing was a tad pushy. Does not going to church brand you as an un-holy person? I have my own special ways of connecting with God so please don't criticise me. I hope some day I'll find my sanctuary of peace and segregate myself from people who will affect me. As much as I appreciate all the help rendered, I think by doing so would make my life less miserable.

It's 6am now (no i didn't take hours to craft this entry! was in between stuff). Am gonna get ready to hit the wet market --therapeutic! Will go get my nourishment myself and strive to be a healthier person. The sun will soon cast its brilliant rays across th land, creating a masterpiece, signally the start of a brand new day. With the new day beckoning, I look forward to a new me (or rather, the old me) soon!

 

PS: Don't be afraid to post me comments after this! haha
PPS: The moth stayed till the next day and flew to the dining area and stayed there whilst we were having dinner. Thereafter, it left. Hmmm....call me silly but I'm really having a funny feeling.

Lost. Pcos hits.

Life's a bitch. Seriously.

 

Just when I'm ready to move on and restore my faith, bad news hits me with such great velocity yet again. Can't its frequency be reduced? What have I done to deserve such wavelengths?

 

Was at the gynae's on Wednesday. As I lay on the same bed where the bad news was told to me a month and a half ago, i had a strange inkling that something bad would befall as I looked at the screen. My sixth sense was right. Dr Ho found that I have polycystic ovary, pcos for short. This condition results in irregular menstruation, amenorrhea, ovulation-related infertility (great....just great...just when I got back on my feet, someone up there decides to play a cruel trick on me), and polycystic ovaries; excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones (the hub tried to assure me that I'm no where near that coz he don't see a beard or moustache), resulting in acne (yes. there's a sudden outbreak) and hirsutism; and insulin resistance, often associated with obesity, Type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levels. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among affected women. Fertility issues aside, having such a bomb in me which could manifest into other stuff is really very upsetting and disturbing. A chat with some mommy friends and i realise that this condition is quite prevalent although the gynae said it affects only 10% of the women. Coupled with my age, this increases the chances of a miscarriage to 30%. The cause -- likely to be heriditary. Thanks a lot, Mom. Double, Triple whammy not? My heart is weak and I don't think I can take such news. Was in denial for two days. Lost all appetite and had trouble sleeping. My mood was bad and patience was not in my dictionary. It doesn't help that Lil K needs all my attention.

 

They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. But in this instance, how can I get rid of negative thoughts? I've been trying to occupy myself with work and stuff, but it only rendered me tired. The hub was also in denial and believes it's a misdiagnosis. He said I do not exude any of the symtoms. With that said, on the next day, I bled. I wasn't suppose to. It's mid cycle. A sign of ovulation bleeding? I didn't want to procrastinate. I had to do something but what? The specialist said there's no known cure! no medication, no surgery. Nice. With mounting stress, I entertained further negative thoughts. Aquaintance will say stuff like" it's ok, you still have lil K". Leave her out of the picture i say! I love her to bits but it's really cruel to take away the chance of letting her have a sibling. I certainly don't wish for her to be like me -- an only child. A lonely only child.

 

I'm feeling frustrated, confused and lost. Why? Why me? Of coz I know that there are people out there who are worse, but right now, the fact that I can hear my ovaries bitching (they are literally pulsating somehow.....can feel a slight pain on my left at this moment for some reasons) isn't helping! For the past month, i viewed my feelings as a weakness and wanted to get rid of all obstacles. i did. but with this news, how am I to pick up the pieces again?

 

Seeing my devastation, the hub consoled me by saying something senseless -- he is satisfied with just lil K. Oh my! I was speechless yet I wanted to smack him in the face! what a thing to say! where is the fighting spirit? To think I told him that a few mommies I now have conceived naturally even with pcos. Depressed, I sought help from a TCM near my place who is supposedly pretty well known in this field. Was glad I did so. Yet because of him, I found out yet another news which would cause my blood presure to shoot up by the millions. After taking my pulse, he was able to tell me that my m/c was due to the lack of progestorone. I questioned him. Strange that such a thing would happen since I already have lil K. The reason he claimed -- I did not nourish enough during my confinement and during the 1st 6 months after lil K. The angry voice in me spoke yet again. My confinement was done by the MIL. everyone thought that was the best thing and said how lucky I was to have her since she was a great cook. I thought so too. Confinement was 3 square meals, a dish each time (sometime's it's just rice with a plate of ginger fried egg) with a soup only during dinner + a flask of red date with longan water which wouldn't last me through the day. To think that I naively thought this was how confinement should be done. Back then I thought I was really blessed coz mom didn't quite bother thus I was thankful to have help from a kin. Even when fellow mommies told me how much food they had to eat during their confinement (5 meals per day, 3 soups per day etc), I didn't hold a grudge because I was truly thankful that she alleviated my fears for having an outsider to take care of my child. However, such thoughts ceased upon hearing that I might not have lost my child should I have been better taken care of. Unwilling to accept, I argued with the TCM physician who went on telling me that chromosonal abnormality possibility was low since I already had lil K. By now, I know that if i spoke, every word will be laced with anger. Everyone is moving on and getting on with life and I'm made to sink in this hole of depression. I know I should not waste time being mad at people, but it's inevitable to have such feelings. It's exhausting to have to conquer such frustrations yet again. It's maddening! I feel like I'm struggling through a tasteless cup of coffee. I wish there's a wee bit of sugar left at the bottom which I've yet to discover and stir. At times, I really feel that the world is inconspiracy to importune me. Sickness, fear, etc, all knock at once.

 

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's like a rubbish bin. Full of shit!

So now I'm right back where I've started. Sober and miserable.

H is for Haze Panic

The whole of Singapore was in the clutches of a Haze Panic last week and most of us were rendered helpless by the acrid smoke. I was no exception. We had to shut all windows, place wet towels beneath doors and take out our trusty but noisy vacuum cleaner which doubled up as an air purifier. Thankfully the hubs had the hindsight to purchase it prior to The Haze Panic despite hurting our pocket.

The hub was in KL and according to him, the air there was much fresher (then). His flight instinct kicked in and suggested that I escape with lil K to some country. Anywhere would be better than Singapore given the soot which we are wading through and the singed air entering our nostrils. However, I had concerns. What if the haze is gone by tomorrow? What is Lil K gona eat whilst we are overseas (she is still taking mostly no added preservatives and salt stuff, thus eating out is quite a pain). Anxiety attack hit me when PSI hit 400! I almost had to brave through it to get to work but for the sake of the lil one, i stayed home. I couldn't be traipsing around or bringing her over to the in law's even though it's just within walking distance. Also, no one in the right mind would volunteer to come over to babysit her. Yup, I still had to bring her over when PSI was 200+. This is my child and I will definitely want to cocoon her in the arms of safety, thus i kept her home. Staying home and trapped literally in our master bedroom was no easy task, given that Lil K is now a bubbly 19 mth-old.

The below was what we did during the house arrest:

Using our homemade play-dough to trace out the letter H

Sandpaper H. Teaches the lil one texture as she traces the letter.

H is for Hat

Lil K has been very good with her scooping skills. Keeps her entertained for a while.

In my desperate attempts to teach Lil K numbers, I made this chart with little pockets to place sticks in. Clearly, she didn't put in the right number of sticks.

Ran out of ideas, thus we did Q-tip painting again

Something that we try to do every other night.

Oh boy, all these are rendering me breathless. Lil k's attention span has been short and her favourite word these days is "Scared". It's been extremely trying to keep her entertained and calm her nerves. Going to the toilet/ cooking/ blogging is a feat as she constantly wants to be carried else will throw a huge tantrum. Gritting my teeth and riding it through as I think she's gaining momentum towards the terrible two. Hope it doesn't get too terrible.

BFF: Best Father Forever!

I've been swamped with stuff of late. With what? I can't quite point a finger to it. Been trying to organise my photos, but technology seems to hate me and the only time I can get close to the comp without distraction is when lil bub is asleep, which by then I'll be asleep too! Been trying to catch up with my drama serials too without distractions, but once again, that can only be done when lil bub is asleep. Been trying to catch up with my many posts I mean to blog and once again, that can only be done when lil bub is asleep! Been trying to catch up with the backlog of work, but each time i pick up my pen or books, lil K would want a piece of the action too, thus I have to do it after she sleeps. Been trying to catch up with the many readings which I've amassed over the months, but that seems impossible, coz by the time i do so, I'll fall asleep and once again, lil K wants a piece of the action and would snatch my book instead of reading her Dr Seus! That's a lot to do when lil bub is asleep and honestly, if i do them all, I won't have to sleep myself! Strangely, i shouldn't be all that busy given that I've taken a backseat for my work for the last month. But being a SAHM seems to render me breathless as well! Don't get me wrong. Having children is immensely rewarding but consuming and relentless and we sometimes get lost in Motherhood. Yup, i've still been trying to find time for MYSELF! It's been a tough 19months for me (not counting the pregnancy period when I was literally hugging the toilet bowl 24/7) and my adjustment to motherhood seems to pale in comparison to how effortlessly the hubs glided into the role of Dad. He takes everything in stride and ignores the lil bub when she wails and throws a tantrum. He can be oblivious when it's time for her nap and doze off to dreamland way before munchikins. He seems to always think that time and tide waits for him and things can always be done at the snap of the fingers. No need for planning. Don't get me wrong, he is a good Dad. Cleaning up the shit, doing all the menial chores at home and sacrificing his golf games/ tea sessions with his friends at times. These I appreciate. And today we celebrate. Actually, we shouldn't only be celebrating today. In fact, the hubs isn't a believer of such consumerist occasions. But still, the lil bub and I would like to give a big shoutout to the man who has been there for us in times of need. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Template from Amanda's Parties To Go

Today's Project: Q-Tip Painting

Lil k's favourite activity -- Dot Dot. but this time i replace it with stickers. Less messy!

My fingers may be small, but I can still wrap Daddy around them!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY, DAD! YOU ARE AWESOME! ~ fm lil K

Teaching the letter F: F is for fearless

Some time back, we were at the letter F and lil K certainly exudes F for fearless! On one occasion at her playgroup, there was an activity whereby the children had to pick some creepy and slimy creatures out from a basin of cornflour concoction. Lil K was the only one who was keen in the activity and daring enough to do it! The teacher even wanted to give her an award for bravery!

Anyhoots, apart from being focus on my recovery, I've been keeping my mind active by reinstating our homeschooling activities.

I made the little roses out of felt and used straws as the stems. All materials from Diaso!

Ta-dah! The end product! F is for flower!

Introducing Freddie the Frog! F is for Frog. this project is made using some printouts on construction paper. The activity requires lil K to polish her motor skills and glue on the parts onto the toilet roll. She was however more interested in fiddling with the glue -_-

Apart from all the indoor activities, a very good pal was in town with his family and we took the opportunity to have a family excursion to the SEA aquarium located at Resorts World Singapore (Sentosa). F is for FISH!

 

Step inside the S.E.A. Aquarium and discover the life in the ocean at the world's largest aquarium and maritime museum.  This window to the ocean gave us an insight to the magical marine. Lil K totally immersed herself in this blue planet. She was fascinated by the sights and it was a great interactive learning experience for her!

Bloop Bloop Bloop

We were so mesmerized by the jelly fish!

Lil K stunned us by saying the word "OCTOPUS" ok, she said something like Octopusus but it was close!

The elusive manta stingray from afar

The myriad of marine creatures (some endangered) was a feast for our eyes.

It was a long journey but lil K didn't seem to mind. She embraced herself totally in this marine realm and didn't sleep a wink! Money well spent! FYI, one adult ticket is going for SGD33. Imagine the whole kampong going! Woohoo! Inflation max!

Review: Philips ActiveTouch Garment Steamer

Definition of Ironing = A MUNDANE CHORE

With sunny Singapore being sunnier than ever, to set up the board and start ironing is a nightmare. I used to be on top of chores like these but with an active toddler around, I can't have such dangerous activities conducted. Recently however, I had the luxury to test out the Philips ActiveTouch Garment Steamer. 

Came in timely as I had a mountain of clothes to clear. 

 

With the Garment Steamer, the arduous task was done in a fraction of the time! I kid you not. The special suction function delivered what it promised and was able to remove those creases easily. I did not need to bring my garment too near and it was able to "suck" it in for enhanced steam penetration! That has got to be the most amazing bit! The old school steamers don't have such function and one often has to pull and stretch the garment for near optimal results. 

I thought such gadgets only worked on delicate fabrics like silk and was unable to create pleats but the pleat making accessory did create that line which the hub has to have on his shirts! WONDERFUL! Lastly, you know how we are able to control the temperature for traditional irons? Well, the Philips Garment Steamer is able to do so as well so you can customize the steam output for use on different kinds of garments to prevent damage on your favourite dress. PURE GENIUS! Lots of marketing research must have gone into it.

In addition, because it came with a detachable hanging accessory, I'm able to steam my clothes at a height unreachable by the lil one. She might be screaming and shouting for attention, but I know that the steam won't get to her. Safety's always top on my consideration when the lil bub is concerned.

Ironing has always been our most-hated chore. Setting up the board is such a hassle. With Philips Active Touch Garment Steamer, I’ve just vapourized my mountain of clothes in a fraction of time, with minimal effort  

GSS PROMOTION 

During this GSS period, Philips will be slashing their prices. The Garment Steamer will be going at a special price of $249 (RCP: $279).

Do follow Philips Twitter page at https://twitter.com/PhilipsSG and participate in the Twitter games to win up to $100 shopping vouchers!

You can find out more here - http://www.philips.com.sg/e/promo/promotions/general/gss-promotion.html

Disclaimer: I am participating in an event by Philips. All opinions are 100% my own. Results obtained from usage of the product may vary from person to person. Please do your own research when purchasing products as your opinion may differ from mine.

The best long wkend yet

DAY 1

It was the Vesak Day weekend and I'm always thankful for long weekends when the hub is in town. Love it when we get to do things as a family. Sensing that my mood swings are still prevalent, the hub has put in subtle efforts in cheering me up. Starting with a nice breakie which he claimed he would make but he did not coz he overslept. So to redeem himself, he brought us to Gardens by the Bay. It was our virgin visit and Lil K enjoyed herself tremendously. It was timely too because we are on the letter F and F is for flower! what better way than to expose her to nature and see the real thing.

It wasn't difficult to find the place. Initially we wanted to hop on the MRT and get off Bayfront station, but decided against it when we had to pack to many barangs including the pram. Parking was a bit tricky as most were occupied. Fees were pretty reasonable. $12 per tix for adult should you wish to visit one dome and we were given extra 10% discount because of our SAFRA card. There was a snakelike queue that day. Seems like the fuss over this new attraction isn't quite over yet. But the queue cleared very swiftly. 

This was at the entrance of the cloud forest. An extremely refreshing and cooling respite! The aircon was powerful too and for a moment we were hoping the whole of Singapore could be air-conditioned!

F is for flower....F F Flower!

Lil K having a whale of a time playing with the mist

 

Love the view and the structure

Happy family of three + the BIL. Lil K was able to identify all our shadows.

DAY 2

We wanted to laze around at home today, but decided we should bring the lil one out for some water play. It's been a while since we did that, so off we went to Vivocity! We braved the crowds and luckily, we found a spot.

Lil K's diapers were all soaked but yet she refused to get out of the water.

 DAY 3

Advance birthday celebration for the hubs. I decided that since I'm still on "confinement", we shouldn't do the regular seafood or steak. Instead, I treated the hubs to a good brunch at Wild Honey. This place is known for it's queue but surprisingly, it wasn't that monstrous this time round. Perhaps because they opened new outlets. 

The hubs had the Norwegian Salmon Breakie

I had the Portobello Road breakie. They are all overpriced if you ask me. The hot chocolate I ordered was tremendously sweet for my liking and that small cup cost $6! The whole feast cost us over $60. hmmmm...would you pay $60 for such a breakfast?

The two loves of my life. The last 72 hours have been fantastic. Lil K's laughter is always oh so contagious and her antics are a blessing. She has learnt to say several simple sentences with guidance and I can't stop cuddling and giving her raspberries on her tummy these days.

">