Lost. Pcos hits.

Life's a bitch. Seriously.

 

Just when I'm ready to move on and restore my faith, bad news hits me with such great velocity yet again. Can't its frequency be reduced? What have I done to deserve such wavelengths?

 

Was at the gynae's on Wednesday. As I lay on the same bed where the bad news was told to me a month and a half ago, i had a strange inkling that something bad would befall as I looked at the screen. My sixth sense was right. Dr Ho found that I have polycystic ovary, pcos for short. This condition results in irregular menstruation, amenorrhea, ovulation-related infertility (great....just great...just when I got back on my feet, someone up there decides to play a cruel trick on me), and polycystic ovaries; excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones (the hub tried to assure me that I'm no where near that coz he don't see a beard or moustache), resulting in acne (yes. there's a sudden outbreak) and hirsutism; and insulin resistance, often associated with obesity, Type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levels. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among affected women. Fertility issues aside, having such a bomb in me which could manifest into other stuff is really very upsetting and disturbing. A chat with some mommy friends and i realise that this condition is quite prevalent although the gynae said it affects only 10% of the women. Coupled with my age, this increases the chances of a miscarriage to 30%. The cause -- likely to be heriditary. Thanks a lot, Mom. Double, Triple whammy not? My heart is weak and I don't think I can take such news. Was in denial for two days. Lost all appetite and had trouble sleeping. My mood was bad and patience was not in my dictionary. It doesn't help that Lil K needs all my attention.

 

They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. But in this instance, how can I get rid of negative thoughts? I've been trying to occupy myself with work and stuff, but it only rendered me tired. The hub was also in denial and believes it's a misdiagnosis. He said I do not exude any of the symtoms. With that said, on the next day, I bled. I wasn't suppose to. It's mid cycle. A sign of ovulation bleeding? I didn't want to procrastinate. I had to do something but what? The specialist said there's no known cure! no medication, no surgery. Nice. With mounting stress, I entertained further negative thoughts. Aquaintance will say stuff like" it's ok, you still have lil K". Leave her out of the picture i say! I love her to bits but it's really cruel to take away the chance of letting her have a sibling. I certainly don't wish for her to be like me -- an only child. A lonely only child.

 

I'm feeling frustrated, confused and lost. Why? Why me? Of coz I know that there are people out there who are worse, but right now, the fact that I can hear my ovaries bitching (they are literally pulsating somehow.....can feel a slight pain on my left at this moment for some reasons) isn't helping! For the past month, i viewed my feelings as a weakness and wanted to get rid of all obstacles. i did. but with this news, how am I to pick up the pieces again?

 

Seeing my devastation, the hub consoled me by saying something senseless -- he is satisfied with just lil K. Oh my! I was speechless yet I wanted to smack him in the face! what a thing to say! where is the fighting spirit? To think I told him that a few mommies I now have conceived naturally even with pcos. Depressed, I sought help from a TCM near my place who is supposedly pretty well known in this field. Was glad I did so. Yet because of him, I found out yet another news which would cause my blood presure to shoot up by the millions. After taking my pulse, he was able to tell me that my m/c was due to the lack of progestorone. I questioned him. Strange that such a thing would happen since I already have lil K. The reason he claimed -- I did not nourish enough during my confinement and during the 1st 6 months after lil K. The angry voice in me spoke yet again. My confinement was done by the MIL. everyone thought that was the best thing and said how lucky I was to have her since she was a great cook. I thought so too. Confinement was 3 square meals, a dish each time (sometime's it's just rice with a plate of ginger fried egg) with a soup only during dinner + a flask of red date with longan water which wouldn't last me through the day. To think that I naively thought this was how confinement should be done. Back then I thought I was really blessed coz mom didn't quite bother thus I was thankful to have help from a kin. Even when fellow mommies told me how much food they had to eat during their confinement (5 meals per day, 3 soups per day etc), I didn't hold a grudge because I was truly thankful that she alleviated my fears for having an outsider to take care of my child. However, such thoughts ceased upon hearing that I might not have lost my child should I have been better taken care of. Unwilling to accept, I argued with the TCM physician who went on telling me that chromosonal abnormality possibility was low since I already had lil K. By now, I know that if i spoke, every word will be laced with anger. Everyone is moving on and getting on with life and I'm made to sink in this hole of depression. I know I should not waste time being mad at people, but it's inevitable to have such feelings. It's exhausting to have to conquer such frustrations yet again. It's maddening! I feel like I'm struggling through a tasteless cup of coffee. I wish there's a wee bit of sugar left at the bottom which I've yet to discover and stir. At times, I really feel that the world is inconspiracy to importune me. Sickness, fear, etc, all knock at once.

 

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's like a rubbish bin. Full of shit!

So now I'm right back where I've started. Sober and miserable.