Surrogate Work Spouse

Monday, August 30, 2010

6 hours of sleep, 15 hours of work, 2hrs+ of being on the road...there's something so wrong with the equation. Whatever happened to ME/ US time? If i'm lucky, a few hrs may be shaved off from work, and that translates to working on mundane chores or grabbing a meal. Breathless, yet many others like me are doing it. Feel very angsty each time I see others whiling their time away or taking breaks all the time. Why can't I do that too? Well technically I can, but financially, it's another story altogether.

An article in the recent Sunday Times evoked a lot of thoughts. Entitled "Modern office marriages", the article looked into the lives of many modern day colleagues who would qualify as "work spouses". Typically they are colleagues of the opposite sex who are platonic pals but simply because they see each other probably more than their spouses, they have become the surrogate spouse. They have termed it sexily -- "work spouse". Honestly, I don't like the sound of it. I think it's a dirty word. U never know what may develop. What started off as an odd relationship dynamics may end up being an yin and yang, matchmade in heaven situation. In a 2008 study by found that one in 10 workers had office marriage, with 20 per cent saying that their actual spouse or significant other gets jealous of their work spouse. Well who wouldn't be if you are 3/4 of the time interacting with this person? Been teasing the hubs about this. It used to that he is in a male dominated environment, but now, it's a good mix of yin and yang. The fact that he's been boozing and "networking" a lot and often back just to sleep, is giving me wild thoughts about this work spouse issue (be it homosexual or heterosexual). Need to snap out of things and not entertain such wild thoughts. Should be channeling my energy to more productive things, namely -- SLEEP!

I'm not perfect

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The perfect song to manifest my current feeling. It's a daunting road. An arduous climb for perfection which is far and beyond.

Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise
I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes
Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

Making every kind of silence, it takes a lot to realize
It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie
And as long as I can feel you holding on
I won't fall, even if you said I wrong

I know that I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

When you're caught in a lie and you've got nothing to hide
When you've got nowhere to run and you've got nothing inside
It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me
You thought that you knew

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my, just myself
Just myself, myself, just myself

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying

The language of love

A healthy relationship is one that encompasses love, concern and communication. Clearly, certain factors are missing in mine. Communicate more, pretend less -- that's probably what the love guru would say. However, how does one communicate if the other half comes home (mainly to sleep and shower) in the wee hours of the morning and with the other half leaving for work early in the day? Some may say it's due to the pace of life and work, but I beg to defer. Proper planning on a day to day basis is simply the rule of thumb in making things work and showing respect to anyone. I certainly do not appreciate last minute notification and fake make-up lines thereafter. I've seen several couples making it a point to have a date night every wk/ doing things together/ looking forward to a trip to Maldives or Bali at the end of the year. Such things are probably what I need to keep me going. Motivation. It's lacking. This year is especially daunting. Playing mind games is frustrating when he displays blissful indifference. Before you get overly concerned, there are no irreconcilable problems, am just wondering where's that warm fuzzy feeling that can only come from someone special? At the time of writing, he's once again lying in bed, probably dreaming of the leggy girl he met at YOG's closing ceremony. No, the jealous monster isn't creeping up on me. Roving eyes are prevalent and you can't stop men from ogling. Afterall, I ogle and cute men most of the time too! It's been probably more than a month since we had proper meal together, and 8 months since we planned anything like a holiday together. N yet, plans to go globe trotting with friends are in the making. Blame-worthy? Prolly not in his dictionary. No wonder even the mil forgot how i look like when I walked past her one fine morning. To justify, I was dressed no where near a clown. Perhaps I should buy myself another ticket to far-faraway land again to relegate the past to where it belongs. How else can I continue with having this indomitable spirit?

I think I need some form of therapy to heal this psychological scar. Retail therapy don't seem to work these days. Even mum is worried. We don't share all that much, but telepathy tells it all. I've lost my appetite on several occasions and sleep seems to hate me these days. Was thankful that I managed to doze off at 1am before a certain someone ambled back home @ 2, with all lights inconsiderately switched on. Thanks to that, I'm now blogging. Wonder when will the zzz monster visit me again? This is seriously having detrimental effects on health.

Love, at its most glorifying is about total acceptance. I can only hope that one day that certain someone will get round to appreciate me more (show not tell).

What is your language of love? Mine is probably speaking a foreign one.

Loneliness is consuming my mind

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Dear Diary,

Not sure why, but I've been feeling melancholic of late. Can't quite point the finger on the exact thing though. Am just going through life robotic-ally and am nowhere near clearing my backlog. The chase is tiring but inevitable. Amid the music and intoxication, I constantly feel my heart stirring quietly. Been immersing myself with work and social gatherings so as to forget the lonesome feeling. Emptiness is scary. Universal longing for love perhaps; or yearning to excel further and to cull the procrastination; exhaustion setting in, or probably just wanting a break from it all. A break to look forward to like old times. Feelings, unlike golf or trigonometry, defy the rule that you can improve on something by expending more effort. I know I've given loads of effort. But... I'm running out of ideas as to how I should intoxicate myself. Am anxiously awaiting for enrollment for my course in September which hopefully would do my portfolio good. Not sure exactly why I'm subjecting myself to more work and stress. Perhaps the fear for loneliness is exponentially consuming my mind. I've been waiting for that special day/ moment when he'd surprise me with a note/ present/ flower/ plan/ a spontaneous decision to go on a date, but I can only silently wait and be the woman behind her man. So cliche. How long has it been? I've lost count. I guess he did to. Life together is slowly sneaking into oblivion. Someone once said " As long as a man has testosterone, he is subjected to its indomitable command." Agree. Schedules seemed to be planned around him, but I'm only updated about his, when a tantrum is thrown. It's getting really tiring and I certainly do not enjoy it. Sacrifices have been made on both ends, but the scale is somewhat tilting towards my end. Why am I so needy, ever pinning for a man to share my life. Despite reaching out, I find myself utterly alone in the end. Weariness is mounting. I try to with-hold my selfish thoughts, but I just want to be pampered and well taken care of.

Is that too much to ask?

Inaugural Singapore Youth Olympics 2010

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The vivacious ruckus escalated as we approached 20:10 on 14 August 2010. The music went up by a notch the minute the clock struck 20:10 and history arrived under the crescent moon, serenaded by a the cool breeze.

History was made as Singapore ushered in the inaugural Youth Olympic Games 2010. The mood was high and it was clear everyone was inhaling the party atmosphere. Boisterous celebratory tunes blasted from the speakers in tune with the exploding firecrackers. The entire Marina area was ruptured by the rambunctious cheers as the country and 203 other nations (a good 30% of which I have never heard of!) rejoiced. The world watched as Singapore unfolded a dazzling show. There were dance and music segments and even a mini musical put together. The exuberance of youth shone through as they danced up a storm in their brightly coloured outfits. It was a night that had the smell of fresh beginnings.

One of the highlights had to be the Olympic rings formed by 750 students from 5 secondary schools, within the reflecting pool on the floating platform. Choreographer Tay Poh Soon was the man behind this fantastic formation which caused exuberance to bloom and many to somersault in excitement. This symmetry of light was so perfectly executed. The interlocking rings of the Olympics suggested a sharing of ideas and ideals among disparate young people.

Spectacular fireworks also light up the Singapore skyline. For a moment, I felt that it was a repeat telecast of the recent National Day Parade, only with a seemingly bigger bang. I should have purchased a ticket and stand by the rooftop of Marina Sands to feast my eyes on the dazzling display of lights. I could totally feel the celebratory mood though i only caught the televised glimpse of the celebration.

Throughout, several metaphor lurked but the message was clear. The Youth Olympic is an event to build strong and abiding bonds of friendship and learn that the power of sports and the ideals of Olympic values can help us build a more united and peaceful world. Hopefully more Singaporeans students would recognise this motto as it's rather disappointing to hear that students are happy to go watch the YOG coz they do not need to go to school! One 12-yr old boy from Compassvale Primary School, however, was truly enthusiastic about the event. He ran close to 15km in the rain, alongside bearers of the Youth Olympic Flame torch, as it made its way through Sengkang, Punggol and Hougang. ( Such grit determination despite the hammering rain sure deserved more than a pat on the back.

As this 27m structure floated into the Marina Bay, sweetie said, "Hey look! That dragon is shitting!" Confused, I scrutinized and realised he was referring to the little sparklets coming out from the tail of the structure. Alas, we should not make fun of this glittery structure, for it represented the new Youth Olympic Games movement and is in fact a mythical phoenix! OPS. It transported the flame over Marina Bay to the show ground where a cauldron shaped like a lighthouse was lit by 2 time world champion sailor Darren Choy. I truly embraced the momentous segment as a Singaporean. Hopefully I get a chance to view the 32m high cauldron in person.


This event wouldn't be possible without the men and women behind the scene and I'm so proud that MY MAN is one of them!

Apparel's sponsored by Crocodile. Don't quite understand the logic behind the colour combination (ie. Purple top and kahki shorts -that's all fine...but coupled with a lime green pouch..hmmm..not really my cup of tea. Perhaps a generation gap of taste)

Baby's venue. Proud that you are overseeing so much and have so many responsibilities at hand. Have never seen you multitask at this level and thought that it was a talent only held by me! haha.The poor thing has been working from wee hours till midnight and I'm missing him a whole lot, though the lonesome respite at home is sometimes a welcome. The rush could have been avoided probably if various parties were more cooperative and efficient. It's no wonder that even the local papers said that there exists a nervous anticipation over the eventual efficacy of the games. But I believe we will pull through eventually and everyone will remember Singapore as being the First!

Looks like I'm not the only person who's proud of you! Even the committee is acknowledging your contribution. NICE. :)

Some collectibles:

Check out the matching golf balls I found at home! Cute much?

The WHY-OH-GEE. Apparently that's what they've been calling themselves!

Mr Idiotic

Friday, August 13, 2010

Am mad angry now. I'd usually tweet about such things, but twitter can't support an influx of words, so here goes.

Had to be the hub's chauffeur. He's been working till pretty late due to the impending Youth Olympics. Everyone's doing last minute preparations, which could have been done way before. Anyway, that's another story altogether. Here's the conversation between an Indian security guard (who was clearly on his mobile chatting merrily with his sweetheart) and I.
Location: Drop-off point at one of the venues

HIM: you can't park here
ME: i'm not parking. I'm picking someone up. He's coming in 1min.
HIM: no cannot. for YOG only
ME: yes, he's a YOG staff
HIM: no cannot
ME: why not? then where do you expect me to wait?
HIM (pointing to the main road): there!
ME: how can i wait there? it's a double yellow line plus it's right after a sharp bend. Hazardous! Can't you just spare me a minute? He's really walking out now as we speak!
HIM: no cannot. You are blocking the way
ME: I'm not blocking at all!! (looks behind to see only a stationary lorry with a driver doing some unloading)

For your information, that area isn't a loading and unloading place. In fact, it looks like a proper driveway for dropoffs and pickups. Where else would parents or the YOG bus for that matter stop and alight athletes? it's in the heart of the city where heaps of taxis weave in and out dangerously. Furthermore, there weren't any signage saying that area was only for YOG cars! there weren't any "GIVE WAY" signs and more importantly, no loading and unloading signage! This whole episode has rendered me breathless literally. I'm hyperventilating as I type and the heart's palpitating so fast, I can't calm myself down to sleep. Great. Just what I need in preparation for a hectic Saturday. All thanks to Mr Idiotic!

Beauty is skin deep

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Woke up having a tummyache. Weird dreams + tummyache + incessant drillings from lift upgrades = bad mood + low productivity. Somehow, for the last two days, I felt a little lost. There's tons to complete, but I'm simply too lazy. I guess I'm breaking the monotony by whiling my time away. The cycle has been perpetuating itself for a few days now and I'm getting seriously worried. Made plans to meet up with J but as usual, she had to reschedule. This leaves me to think of my contingency plan. Hmm. I have none! Now i begin to ponder and recollect. Every post seems to be plastered with uneventful stuff and are just plain bleak and mundane stories to remind me of life. Sweetie has been working late (n i've been his driver sporadically), thus I can't look fwd to our wkly Sunday breakfasts. However, he did promise me a hearty one once the YOG is done. Hopefully he remembers by then and not leave me in grudges as he flies off for his golf escapade.

Nevertheless, today is FRIDAY! TGIF = signal the end of a week (not for me though) and an escape from the grind of work/ school. With a hectic schedule planned next week -- appointments, a wedding and PSLE, I'm thankful that I can look forward to coming home to my own eden tonite.

Been meaning to write a post re skincare, but as usual, procrastination took the front seat. As the saying goes, beauty is skin deep. Ever since a puberty, I've recognised the importance of good skin but sadly, never had one. Often, I'd ogle at the prim lady with perfectly manicured maroon red nails to go with her flawless face that was covered with make-up. Or perhaps the lanky teenager with sharp cheekbones accentuating a heart-shaped face with a smile exposing a row of immaculate teeth. As a child, I was totally clueless as to how I could go about achieving all those. Those times, Internet wasn't that prevalent and education from mom was far and beyond. Mom however, did do stuff to help. Namely, inflict pain! She constantly brandished the intimidating facial needle and pricked on my acne! that scarred me for life, literally. My stomach would be knotted into a tight fist, clenching my intestines as fear swamp me. There was little that I could do as mom pinned me down. Trepidation threatened to swallow me whole as she came closer. I was in agony for the next few days with a face as red as a tomato. The once porcelain (when I was a baby perhaps) skin was now scarred! It really didn't help that I was going through puberty then and with the incessant mockings from male counterparts, it really did bad for my esteem.

Years later, as I blossomed, mom figured that she was spending way too much on me and quit pricking me. She left my skin pretty much alone. Phew. It was a new road to discovery. However, I was still a student, a poor one no less and was penniless. Skincare products are a dime and dozen and with the large array of stuff claiming to do miracles, I fell into the trap of grabbing everything off the shelf. Detrimental effects!

Lesson learnt -- One should always understand one's skintype and purchase with proper education

From off-the-shelves, came visits to facial houses. Once again, not having the moolah means I can't visit those upmarket ones in the city and have to settle for those in the heartlands (mostly recommended by "aunties" like mom). The whole pricking process was re-enacted. The situation was dire, and I could not wait till I get my first paycheck from part-times. Finally, proper consultation with a doctor, who put me on a course of medication which resulted in dry lips. For a while, it helped, but then the cycle came back again. It was then that I came to terms with things and told myself that it was simply puberty and bad genes.

Fast forward to today. With greater financial ability and technology, I'm able to make more informed purchases and have since kept those volcanic eruptions at bay. The next thing to worry is -- FINE LINES! Time has a cruel way of leaving its traces on one's skin. Being a skincare junkie, these days, anything that claim to rejuvenate and has the phrase "ANTI-AGING", I'd probably be sucked into purchasing.

Below are some of my purchases of late:

Several people have swore by this little bottle which cost a whopping SGD$265 (on my last purchase in June). I thought I gave it a try too. And now I'm hooked! My virgin experience with this luxurious product was whilst on my honeymoon. Ran out of eye cream thus I visited the counter, thinking that it may be a tad cheaper. Boy was I wrong! I couldn't indulge in such things then, namely because we were on a honeymoon and money should be spent on enjoyment and 2ndly, the hubs was around (he'll nag like crazy!) Fortunately, the counter girl was nice enough to give me a sample which lasted me a week! As it was the wintry season, this product proved its worth and I was instantly convinced! The verdict: 2 thumbs up. Can be a little rich if you have young skin. La Mer's products are typically richer and for "older" skin. Then again, i really see an improvement on my dark circles.
Several years back when I signed up a package with DRX, I made my acquaintance with this term: microdermabrasion. It was really quite an expensive treatment and mostly available at facial houses. Today, I'm happy to rekindle my love for this process, only this time, it came in a jar and I could do it from the comforts of my home! The exfoliating beads are to my liking. It's texture is rough, unlike some of the other off-the-shelves I've tried. Leaves my face soft and radiant. Even the hubs is using it occasionally! The man has his vain side too! Retailing at approximately $134 but I got it at $165 together with some other miniatures.

THis product sounds awesome. I've yet to try though.

A whole set, just for $165. Best deal!
Presenting the LANCASTER 365 Cellular Elixir. This was what its advertising script wrote:

the first serum to support DNA protection and repair for younger looking skin and a radiant complexion. Lancaster 365 Cellular Elixir acts exactly where your cells need it and helps protect DNA from future damage.

Skeptical. Seriously I do not know how they are able to get to my DNAs. Scientifically, aren't DNA in our genes which is in our chromosomes that's in our nucleus that's in our cells? With so many levels, would this seriously deliver what it says? Apparently I feel it does! My scars seem to be lightening and upon first application, I do see the difference. Skin seems more revitalized, smooth and radiant. A small bottle like this cost a whopping $165

Now you know where all my money go to!

Happy 45th Birthday Singapore!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

With my minuscule attention span, I thought I'd better get start following up on back-dated posts since I'm on a roll right now. I'm having a few uninterrupted hours of solitude and am appreciating it lots. Come to think of it, the hubs has been home late (when I'm fast asleep, which isn't too early as I'm a late bird) lately. Nevertheless, I'm happy in my very own Eden.

I've been questioning myself and people around me lately, how do they handle so much all at once? A friend recently shared that she relocated her shop just few days before her wedding and right after her wedding, she went away to Taiwan on course! Is it just me or is the world going at top speed? How does one appreciate the pleasures of life if one doesn't slow down a little? Then again, it's not surprising that multitasking has went up a notch. With the advent of the internet came facebook, twitter, ipads, iphones, emails and a host of other stuff. The blessed wonders of technology are overwhelming us. At any one time, most of us would be doing a minimum of two things. I used to pride myself that I can multitask real well, but lately, I think it's simply a neurotic inability to concentrate for more than three seconds.Take the pile of unread books i've amassed over the last few months and you'd get the picture. Try as I might, i think this hyperactive behaviour and non-stop freneticism is rendering me a nervous disorder!

Thankfully, the nation's birthday came. 9 August 2010. Monday. It's a public holiday and breather for most. Not for me though. Work as usual, not that I'm complaining. In fact, amid all the craziness, I managed to whip up a feast for the hubs:
Stuffed chicken wings. A kind parent shared this recipe with me which I've been wanting to try, but deboning the wings is an arduous task for me. UPon learning that i failed miserably at deboning the wings, kind parent actually deboned and gave me 7 wings! WOW!
So did you guess what the prawns were for? Yup, I used them as stuffings and together with the mushrooms, the combination was heavenly. The hubs loved it too! YEAH. Also, for the first time ever, I can proudly say my marinating skills was to my satisfaction. (PS, I'm quite a perfectionist when it comes to food creation)
Bought seasoned dried scallops at the Hokkaido fair some time back and haven't had the chance to cook it. I should have done so earlier as the rice was utterly fragrant! So easy to cook! Dried scallops and soya sauce is all you need! Akin to what you will enjoy in a Japanese restaurant, minus the Japanese rice :)

Radish Miso Soup. A delightful new dish I found in a new soup book I've purchased. At $5.90 a book, I thought the dishes inside would be mediocre but i was wrong. Here's how to make this soup:

300g radish (cut in strips)
300g clams
20g miso
1 tsp bonito powder (i didn't know how this looks and couldn't find it in the supermarket. Can anyone enlighten me?)
15g chopped spring onion (optional)

1) Rince radish and cut into shreds, leaving the skin on if you prefer. Soak clams in lightly salted water to get rid of sand.
2) Bring 5 cups of water to a boil, add radish and cook for 6 - 8 minutes.
3) Dissolve miso with a little warm water. This will prevent miso from forming lumps. Add miso towards the end of cooking so as to retain its fragrance. Pour into the radish soup and stir well. Season with bonito powder.
4) Cook clams in the soup until they open up. Turn off the heat and scatter spring on the top to serve.

VIOLA! Dinner! meant to cook for more, but alas, my place went down in popularity since everyone started buying their own crib. Nevertheless, amazingly, sweetie and I managed to finish most of the food! Impressive appetite! It was really a bliss to be watching the parade from home with sweetie. Sometimes, watching the parade and listening to the National Day songs would bring tears to my eyes. I guess I'm unknowingly patriotic.

Photo credits to Joanne Peh
Photo credits to Joanne Peh
Photo credits to Joanne Peh
Photo credits to Gerald
Photo credits to Joanne Peh
Photo credits to Joanne Peh

The parade's getting more spectacular each year. Though I do not have the patience to sit through it all, I still find myself delightfully enthralled by the fireworks which I could view from my crib. I find this day a time for not only the nation to reflect, but for one to reflect. How did we come this far? Surely, not pure luck. One of the essential problems of our society is that we have the tendency to lose sight of what is truly human in ourselves. We need to reduce speed limits of our lives and savour the trip.


One step at a time

In a little blink, 11 days have passed since I last blogged. Ops, the determination seems to be weaning a tad and I'm besieged by guilt.

It's been quite a whirlwind last week with several scheduling problems being escalated by one particular person. Some people simply have no respect whatsoever for others and take things for granted. Here's the big pic: I texted the parent on Monday to confirm the time for Friday's lesson. upon the second message (the next day) did she reply saying she's not home to find out what time her child would be back on Friday. Nice. Being a stay-home mom and she isn't aware of her child's time-table. Told me she'd get back, but no reply till I dropped her yet another text on Wed morning. Only then she replied saying she went home late and a host of other excuses. My phone is switched on 24/7, so no matter how late, I'd be available. ok, granted that she was trying to give me some personal space, but why did I have to chase for an answer? Nevertheless, the answer came and the time was not convenient as child was not coming home straight after school, whilst all others are. hmm....not really his fault though as he is involved in some performances in school. At a time like this, when the PSLE is looming ahead like a dark curtain, I say it's silly. Thus, after much upheaval, I've switched everyone around and accommodated to his timing. You would have thought all was good now, but NOooooo...later that day, the mom texted me to say her child needs to stay back till 10pm! hmm..which primary school does that? Apparently it was the school's anniversary and she doesn't know! Honestly, if parenting had a grade, she would have scored a F-! thinking that Monday and Tues were holidays (due to National day), she thought I'd be able to have a session then. BUT my bookings came as early as 3 wks ago and I had to declined and added that I was having extra sessions with my students. Panic struck, she requested for extras too. With the annoying times she has (eg no lessons after 7pm as the child needs to eat at 7pm sharp, n sleep by 9+pm), I had to reject gently.

Enough said. The above was really a mundane explosion of one of the many things which made me ticked last wk. Escalation of it is a testament to its ineffectiveness. So let's move on....

The wkend had been pretty fulfilling. Met up with E & H again on Sunday. As usual, E fussed over H's marital status. These days, there have been talks of people putting marriage by the side as they pursue a glamorous career -- an evolving role of women in modern society. Singaporean women have made strides int he last few decades. The young women of today are educated and articulate, are well travelled and career-minded. But once their biological clock starts ticking, they start to go into a frenzy mode, signing up with matchmaking services like SDU/ Love actually/ going overseas to buy true love. Read in an article that said it used to be, Singaporean males who signed up with matchmaking agencies to look for foreign brides were older than 45, and had little or no education. Lately, men in their 20s and 30s who are educated and earn decent pay are turning to these agencies. Long-distance relationship used to be so rare that the mere possibility of someone having one would spark weeks and months of intense debate among his or her friends. However, these days, it's a commonplace. Would be witnessing yet another wedding next Saturday which will display Love beyond borders.

Alright, if you have read to this far, I must applaud you for your patience! haha. Here's some pictures to satisfy those who are more visual:
Enjoyed a blueberry Cheesecake with E&H at Suduko Japanese Coffee house @ Bugis whilst the hubs enjoyed a wedding feast at Inter-continental Hotel!
THe Goma Cheesecake was more to my liking. Nice presentation and not exorbitant.

A sneak preview of what's cooking on National day:

Managed to guess what'd I'll be cooking? Answers will be revealed in my next post (which hopefully would be soon! URGH I'm so behind time!)