A melancholic start to 2016

I have been meaning to jot down my thoughts about 2015. That didn't happen. I was busy solo parenting since 11 December 2015 till over the New Year. The hubs came back for a week there after but is jetsetting again as I type. I have been meaning to jot down my resolutions for 2016. That didn't happen either. Ok, I'm not great at keeping them anyway. The reason is legit -- The kids fell ill right after Christmas and I myself collapsed on New Year's day itself. What a way to start the year eh?

So here I am, finally, trying to pen something down before the month is over and Chinese New Year makes its entrance. It hadn't been an easy 2015. We moved twice in a short span of 4 months and anyone who has moved before would know how torturous it is. To date, I'm still decluttering! To add oil to fuel, my parents had their big shift too. And after staying at a place for 20 years, you can imagine the massive amount of things they have amassed. Me, being their only child, had to help with everything, needless to say. The entire ordeal was painful for us all because Dad, who is very house proud was reluctant to sell his place. For over two years, from me being pregnant with Small K till Small K being almost 20 months old, I was involved in handling his housing matters. Dad used to work as a manager and he is used to ordering people around instead of doing things himself. To make matters worse, his dictative nature resulted i him having very few friends (if any at all) and even his siblings shun him. So the hubs and I had to help him with the documents and renovation. I was thankful that the hubs was very hands-on and patient with Dad. Between taking care of my kids, unpacking and packing, and the daily grindings of life, I really didn't have much patience for the old man. Empress Dowager wasn't easy either. She refused to sell after Dad was ready to accept an offer as she was worried that her health couldn't take the stress of the move. Yup, she would rather forsake a million-dollar deal. Long story short, I threw an ultimatum at them and things went through. Now, they have settled down in their new place. 

Moving into the new year, I thought that things should get a tad better. After all, what could go wrong? But dark clouds had to continue to loom over me. Everything went awry! The hubs surprised me with a new handphone specially couriered to me. Sadly, the screen cracked on the first day of use. No wait, I didn't even get to use! Then, the whole family fell prey to a nasty virus. Solo parenting with 2 young toddlers and living in a small place with 6 other people really didn't help. The virus kept circulating. Just when the source finally got well, and I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, Small K developed a high fever overnight. He puked in the middle of the night on several occasions and at one point of time, i was changing the sheets twice in a night! I am now in fact, nursing my second round of bad throat and I haven't even started feasting on CNY goodies! At this point, I am terribly lacking in sleep, time and patience. 

Career wise, things haven't been going all too smoothly too. I have made a choice to cut things down a little in order to manage logistics for my kids in a better fashion. With the hubs always travelling, I can no longer do late nights as by the time I knock off and pick the kids, it would probably be 10+pm! With my current pool of clients, I would still be able to survive fairly decently. However, Lady Luck decided to play a cruel joke on me and several clients fell ill. This affected my income. It really doesn't help coz I am someone who shop a lot when I get stressed. With the advent of the Internet, shopping is really just a click away! 

I am really trying to move on to the next best thing and busy myself with stuff as that probably is the best thing to do in order to sieve out negative thoughts. However, fear has to crept back into my life. You see, 6 months ago, I did a pap smear. The result was not very favourable. Some kind of atypical cell was detected and i was categorised as a Class 2. Sounds scary right? Frightening thoughts raced through my mind. I googled heaps as all the nurse told me was to be back for a second assessment 6months later. I completely forgotten about it as I was too busy with life and plus Mr Google told me that it could be nothing and there was really nothing I could do about it. Today, as I stepped into the clinic, cold chills ran down my spine and my heart palpitated crazily. The gynae said that he was going to have me tested for cervical cancer. Wasn't I vaccinated?? Apparently, according to him, the vaccine only covers 70% so let's hope I'm within that 70% eh? I was a wreck the entire day; a bundle of nerves. This feeling of fear will continue to engulf me for a week till I get the test results. Meanwhile, life had to go on. I had to manage the situation and continue with work and together with Empress Dowager, visit my grandfather who suffered a transient stroke on Saturday. I had to represent my parents and do most of the visiting coz, well, Dad has serious bad blood with his Pops. Now if you have read my blog enough, you might have gotten the drift that Empress Dowager and I don't have the best relationship in the world. And she really tested my limits today. I confided in her about my fears for my health and the reply I gotten from her was that she was in a far worse situation the last two months coz she was worried that her Thyroid condition would recur. I told her that thyroid can be cured but she had to be on the winning side by saying that it would require a lot of money and lots of medicine to be taken. HUH! A wave of futile rage swept over me. Seriously why do I even bother talking to her?

With a heavy and bated breath, I really hope that things will see a turn. For one, I hope that everyone's health will be good this year. Am trying to make things a little simpler and minimalistic this year (haha, ok, go ahead, laugh at me!) So here are my resolutions for the year:

1. FOCUS! This applies to anything and everything!
2. Have more work-life balance. Be it with the family or socially. Life has been rather sad on the social front as the hub travels a lot and I haven't got much help in the evenings. Hence the onus of taking care of the kids falls on me. I am not expecting much honestly but it would be really nice if I get to go out and let my hair down once a month?
3. To celebrate little victories everyday. Shit happens on a daily basis and I will still rant but I will think more positively and appreciate the little things in life. 

photo credit: Pinterest

Directionless

As 2015 is drawing to an end, I'm once again filled with heaps of apprehension and fears. Fear for the uncertainty that 2016 holds. I am directionless and kindof feeling melancholic these days. Seeing so many people building on their talents and turning it into something lucrative makes me feel "what am i doing with my life?" I'm a Jack of all trades. That's who i am. Which is why most of the things done are probably standards that's good enough for me and only me. I get heaps of praises but somehow i don't materialize them into something bigger. It sometimes makes me feel like I'm a failure.

As i lay in bed each year this time, I'll reflect upon what big thing have i achieved. Well, this year it has gotto be moving house twice in a span of 3 months! More to come. But honestly, that's not a major feat right? I don't know. I'm lost. But I've to remind myself that I've to take small steps everyday and celebrate the little things which i succeed in doing everyday!

So she says I don't eat well enough

I've been feeling awful lately. Awfully emo that is. The two young ones at home have taken ill. It has been so rough that we've (or rather, I've) been waking up almost every hour to pacify either of them. I could be patting Small K to sleep after a fierce struggle of over 2 hours, or calming an angsty Big K who got up in the middle of the night for milk because she was uncomfortable. It's not just once, but four times in a night! I tried to stand firm by telling her that she shouldn't be drinking in the middle of the night, but her screams were intense and I was so afraid she would wake her little brother up. I certainly wouldn't want to do a mambo with two crying babies. this has been ongoing for almost a week now and I'm truly knackered. The husband did his part by putting Small K to sleep every night and I'm thankful that he's around during this period. However, after midnight, he would retire his duties. No matter how loud Small K's cries were, he wouldn't get up from under the sheets. His reason: he doesn't have boobs! Then, there's Big K who has major insecurity issues. Every night after putting them to sleep, I'll be doing stuff in the living room. Once she sensed that I wasn't by her side, she'll walk out to look for me. For the entire week, she does that at least twice on the average. That forced me to sleep with her, but work and chores are piling up. They are on the road to recovery, but their clinginess still remains. It is particularly bad with Big K whom I've honestly been ignoring. She used to receive so much attention from me on the home learning front. These days, she's just roaming around. Small K has also learnt the art of attention seeking and is constantly wanting to be carried. 

It's tough enough to be juggling work and two sick little ones but it's even tougher for someone in the family to say that I'm not doing that great a job in giving myself sufficient nutrients. True that I do not take my dinners regularly due to work commitments. I knock off very late hence by the time i can sit down to have a proper meal, it'd be 11pm. However, i do grab a bun or a biscuit in between. Unfortunately, that particular person doesn't see it that way. She deemed that this is affecting the quality of my breastmilk. She has been urging me to start on formula given that Small K has turned one recently. She feels that with formula, Small K will sleep better and he'll grow fatter. Small K is indeed on the small side. 3rd to 10th percentile to be precise, however, i reckon it's in our genes as Big K, well, isn't very big either. In anycase, it was about the same time when Big K turned one that such a topic was touched on as well. I explained that formula and sleeping well doesn't correlate. I mean, look at Big K. She was on formula and didn't sleep through the night till she was 2.5years old! So then, the argument came -- I don't eat well enough. If only she had the heart to save me some herbal soup when she boils some for her daughter. Or perhaps pack food for the hubs to bring back for me like how it was done when I was pregnant with Big K. Currently, food is packed even for her son-in-law! I don't think there are any undercurrents. And we certainly get along amiably. So what's the problem? I'm perfectly fine that I'm not pampered. It would be nice but since I'm not, I do my best on my own. So don't be saying that I do not eat nutritiously or that it's because of my diet that the boy is on the low end of the chart. I am probably doing a much better job that anyone in the family with the soups I boil regularly or the supplements I take erm irregularly. 

So here's a run down on what I usually eat. I'm sure there is room for improvement but for a ftwm I think this would do.

So, what do you think?

Melancholy and Mother's Day

Mother's day. Pre kids, it was realy a no big deal day to me. I mean seriously it is just a commercial way for retailers to exploit. That said, i have been exploited. For if i hadn't done my part and celebrate with Empress Dowager, she would probably disown me as she sank into her abyss of depression for my unfilial act. 

Post kids, initially i didn't feel it was a big deal too coz honestly Big K was too young to understand the significance and in anycase, everyday should be Mother's Day! Then in 2013, everything changed. Melancholy and Mother's Day were suddenly synonymous. I had a painful loss. A loss which made my heart bleed so badly. They say time will heal. It did. But it would never be complete. The scar will always be there. Then God heard my prayers and gifted me Small K. My miracle child i call. All wounds should have been healed with this happy pill's arrival. Indeed, motherhood took on a different meaning and i felt that Mother's Day is a must for the husband (not the kids) to recognise my efforts. But, as if i had to go through yet another csection, today, i received a sad news. A man who has been a fatherly figure to me when i was a toddler; a man who brought me to the playground and pushed me on the swing; a man with a golden heart. This man, who had the same name as the late LKY passed away on 9 May. The exact same date when my world crashed 2 years ago. The zipper on the csec scar was opened once again. I thought i wouldn't have this much emotions. Afterall, apart from Chinese New year and perhaps mid autumn festival, i rarely see them. Pretty terrible of me if i may say but there were so much happening for the last 5 years and with little help, and little time, all i could do was to give a call. Even then, it was rare. So it took me by great surprise that my name was in his obituary. God-daughter. That's who i am. To be honest, I'm not too big on this whole god daughter business. Since young, several of mum's friends wanted me to be their god-daughter. It really felt weird to me. But this was different. My godma whom i affectionately call Aunty Lee, was my nanny when i was a little girl. From my recollection, i was pretty close with her children though they were at least 12years my senior. Then when i was no longer under her care, we drifted. But today at the funeral, i felt that i was never forgotten. I thanked them for treating me as family and the reply i got was "you are always part of us". #touched max. It's like gaining a family i never had. I've always been alone so having this huge family showing love to me made me speechless.

All these episodes are probably God's way of showing me that love is all around and that there are miracles around. Indeed, I'm blessed and appreciative.

Happy Mother's Day ya all! I now have more reasons to remember this day.

Love my babies to the moon and back!

I will grab on to the both of you forever!

A cake for myself! Yup, the hub fails in getting Best Husband award because he doesn't believe in Mother's Day, flowers, cakes and all those works. Oh well, it doesn't bother me (Who am I kidding! It does ok!).
This lovely Matcha Oreo Cake was baked by the lovely people at #inthebrickyard. It went very well with the usually fussy husband and I'm really liking it because it ain't too sweet! Best Mom Ever? Hell Yeah! I won't deny that! 

It's 2015 already?

Hi 2015!

Yup ok, I'm late. It's mid Jan and I'm finally sitting down penning things down before my post natal brain starts acting up on me again. To be fair, I've been typing stuff here and there. Drafts galore, just never quite complete. This eats me up coz it kindof reflects how i treat the projects in life too, except for being pregnant and giving birth! Anyhows, for ritual sake, I have to do this post. it's afterall a new year. #nowthenpostnextyearalready.

Most of us love holing up at home. It renews tired souls and is a sanctuary got all our favorite this. It's a place where we can truly be ourselves and express all our true colour. Having said that, home is a reflection of you. Indeed, if you were to swing by my place, you'll see the mess it is in. Somewhat like my life eh? It's depressing sometimes. Everything's so random these days. I'll just decide on what to cook the very day, or the activity to do with Big K that very minute. No wonder tempers were flaring over the last two weeks. You see, we didn't want to be holed up since New Year's eve, but Big K was hit by a nasty bug and developed a fever at the stroke of midnight. Prior to that, we were at a friend's party, hoping to usher in the new year with her little friends. But alas, we had to cut short and head home and be sponging the little one at midnight and beyond. Definitely not my idea of a celebration. The days which followed were tough. In fact, tempers flared during this season as Big K decided that whining was her forte. She'd whine at the slightest thing. If she couldn't get a toy to work, she'd whine. If she dropped her pencil, she'd whine. As if that wasn't enough, she'll create a scene by rolling non stop on the floor and screaming at her soprano voice. It was really challenging to keep my tempers down. Fortunately i had heaps of training from work. And, to address this issue, i choose to walk away, leaving her to wail incessantly. There was really no point talking sense to a 3year old when she is consumed with angst. I didn't know a small human being could be so explosive. It drove me bananas and caused the hubs to snap. The usually calm and collected (read: bo chup) husband was the one who lost it this time round. He had been lashing out threats and executing punishments like locking her up in the toilet. In the middle of the night mind you. An action i strongly disagree on. Extremity was taken to a new high one evening when Big K broke out into her usual scream halfway through her sleep. After a mere 5mins, i heard him yelling at Big K. I was nursing Small K then but I ran to her rescue and saw him yelling into her ear! Literally an inch away! I was dead mad and pulled him back but he was a strong man and i had to use force. It was disheartening to see such a scene and heartwrenching to see Big K sob her eyeballs out! Who was this monster? He's usually not like that. Anger and mobile gaming can do so much to a person! No matter what we did: the fast food method from the Happiest Toddler on the Block, or telling her she has to find her happy heart before talking to us, or banishing her to the naughty corner, to bribing her with her favourite activity (that probably works for only 5mins), they all failed miserably. I don't understand why she has to scream and wail at a thing like not wanting to go to the toilet despite having a tummyache. Just go la! why do you need to scream and wail? Seriously! I am suppose to be the patient one in this household, and that night I simply had to pull the hubs away and took over everything as if he was not around. Yup, I mambo-ed with both Big and Small K. Small K was constantly aroused by Big K's screams in the middle of the night. The screams were so constant it completely drained me mentally and physically. I could be nursing Small K at 2am and somehow, Big K could sense that i left the room (we co-sleep) and wail endlessly even though the daddy was right next to her. Next, she'll totter into didi's room and drive me up the wall. I really wanted (still do) to bury my head and cry. Our last resort, to send her to my in-laws for the night. She spent two nights there. Our excuse - we needed her to recuperate and not spread the germs to didi. For those two nights, the hubs and I were couch potatoes and very happy parents! Falling sick was actually a blessing in disguise as we were forced to rest at home for a whole week and bond as a family.

Fast forward, we are still battling with Big K's tantrums and both Big and Small K are still sick. Fortunately the hubs is in town to deal with it together. I suspect she is seeking a lot of attention from us because Small K has started to become more mobile. He has been crawling, standing and cruising quite a bit. In the past, he was just a lump, waiting to be carried. No threat. These days, he has shown preference too and the moment he is put down in the playpen, he'll wail. Or if i turn my back to head to the toilet, i'll have to endure pitiful cries. By the way, he'd cry and mouth "mama" in between. Cute much? So yeah, I can only pray that I'm patient enough to face each day as it comes. Also, in my short (and probably unrealistic) list of resolutions, I hope I can be on the ball with entertaining Big K over at Mama's School. This helps in containing her anger and making her a happy toddler. Been very lax in that area which adds to her tantrums. I used to be doing stuff with her every few minutes and that, she loves. Now, I always find myself asking her to self entertain while i bathe or feed Small K. Pretty unfair to her i guess. Also, seeing several mommies posting on social media how their kid is able to write their 1,2 3s and ABCs or hot housing them by enrolling the child in Chinese classes or keyboard classes etc stresses me out. I think I'll fail terribly if my resolution were to be a Tiger mama. So yeah, back to resolution number 16547, Prioritize! That explains a whole lot why my blog has been radio quiet for a bit. I had to concentrate on nursing the both to health before everything else.

Recap of 2014

2014 was a really big year in every sense of the word. I gave birth to Small K didn't I?

Phew! thankfully for that else the year would have been wasted big time!

I also gave birth to another baby of mine: Rhapnroll -- a place where I translate my creativity to gifts of joy for newborns and beyond. To summarize, I sell diapercakes.

A bit of shameless advertising here but do drop by my site if you are in the market for a gift for a newborn or even a toddler. 

Despite having such achievements, I find that I haven't quite accomplish much. Ironic huh? I have been pretty lazy on many other fronts but i guess sometimes you have to slow down or you risk burning out.

Resolutions

I don't usually pen down my wishes for the year, but let's just do it for the heck of it:

Do less but more

Ironic. I confuse myself sometimes too. Really hope that in this new year, I can spend time to better myself, whether to perform at work or to enrich myself as a parent. But yet again, i hope that everything and every project I do, is gonna contribute to my life in a big way. you see, I'm often a person who wants it all. I want to be part of this and that. Hence at the end of the day, I end up with nothing. So, in 2015, I'll strive to do a bit less in order to get more out of life.

To be more patient

With Big K turning three 2 months ago, the terrible threes syndrome has just started. I shall not deceive myself with the mantra which many mothers always tell me -- "it gets better". Come on la! who are you kidding? So to tackle the problem, I hope that I can be a more patient person, be it towards the children or the hubs (he has been infuriating me with his obsession with his stupid mobile games but that's another story for another time).

Be more organised

this is gonna be a tough one but I'll try hard nonetheless.

To spend time more productively with the kids

Really hope not to always be nagging them to go to bed or to pack their toys. Life is such a rush that every morning I've to hurry Big K in doing her routine stuff instead of stopping to smell the roses or hit the playground for half an hour of fun. The evenings are no better. With my crazy schedule, by the time I'm home, I've to get them to sleep almost at once. Winding down routine? What's that?

Be less of a hoarder! Throw throw throw!

I've been working on this lately with the impending Chinese New Year. However, I think I haven't been ruthless enough. I've been throwing a bit of stuff every single day and at my peak (when Big K was spending the night at my in-law's), I managed to throw out 3 boxes of stuff and pack three big bags and a big carton for giveaways! Woohoo! But I'm still seeing clothings which I have kept since 1999! Am in denial that I'll fit into my prenatal clothings. And by prenatal, I mean pre-Big K. Sigh...who am I kidding? Shall find a new home for them and revamp my wardrobe! haha! Excuses excuses.. but yes, I think I should be more selective with my buys from hereon.

Put in more effort in my beauty regime
A few days back, a Primary 1 girl commented at how much older I look compared to her mom (who is, by the way, of the same age as I am!) and that I've a whole lot of wrinkles which I tried to cover up by telling her it's because I smile and laugh too much. That, however didn't quite work as she questioned me by saying "isn't smiling and laughing a good thing? So does that make wrinkles a good thing?". With that, I'm DETERMINED to put in more effort in salvaging those crows feet and lackluster skin. Considering the late nights that I do, THIS, is going to be tough! If there are any miracle water which you swear by, PLEASE hit me with it!

Be more focus, efficient and positive

This is gonna be tough to given my very random nature. Hard to tell yeah judging by the many things I've been doing? But i'm not gonna beat myself up even if I can't achieve this goal. Gotto learn to be more chillax too. Even if the kids are ill, and their sleep patterns are like SH**, I'll try to look at things from a different perspective -- immunity is getting stronger.

Save!
I failed miserably with my grand plan to save in 2014. Am very determined to succeed at the 52 weeks money challenge this time round! Am erm, however, behind by 2 weeks! haha

In essence, all the above resolutions can be summaried in one word: DISCIPLINE! 
Wish me luck!

The start of the year is always full of hope and symbolises fresh beginnings. So here's to a great start! Bring it on, 2015!

Me time, rest time, all the time

I've been ill for the longest time.  4 weeks now to be exact! Never have i been so ill before. It started with Big K having the fever,  the running nose and cough. Waking up to her nightly cries put my body in toll. During this period, the hubs was not around. How convenient yet again. Then the mil fell ill, followed by the hubs and now finally the boy and i caved in. My nose has been drippy and I've been nasal. The boy's nose has also been running and he's been having phlegmy coughs which rendered his naps n sleeps shitty! At times he was inconsolable.  Who was I kidding? 100% of the time his mood was terrible due to the immense amount of phlegm which came from from nowhere. Must be because I planted too many kisses on his cheeks! No amount of hugs,  rocks,  kisses or latching could calm him down. I can totally empathise.  I'm in such a foul mood too that every little thing can ignite the fire. Eg. Just the other day,  2 acquaintances kept texting me saying i need a maid. Geez guys, u r rich,  what do you know? ! Granted my rationale for not having one is coz i feel we r really coping alright. The hub n i do our parts with regards to chores and i love cooking (though that's seriously though with two in tow) so what else is there for a maid to do? I certainly don't throw my motherly duties to her! I would also certainly not leave educating and story tellings to her and risk the kid having a weird accent. But ok,  it does boil down to finances which i m reluctant to declare. It's not quite that we can't afford but things are already extremely tight. Please don't be asking me to control my shopping sprees just for a maid.  And plus,  i have major trust issues with all the rampant crazy maid stories i hear.  No thanks to having a stranger live with me too. I'll totally go bongkus. So yeah, imagine I've to explain these reasons to people each time they kindly offered their suggestions. 

My body is aching just when i thought I'm recovering. I managed to get Small K to sleep but only to battle with Big K and finally when we all doze off to lala land, no.2 gets choked on his pheglm and the mambo starts all over again.  I'm knackered.  Seriously dying from exhaustion.  Can someone please give me an MC? help is scarce unfortunately. I'm still left to my own devices every morning till 2pm before i head off to work;  and even though mom is around to help on Mondays, she's really more of a trouble than help.  I'm always having to clean up her act after she leaves!  Be it diapers randomly thrown out or wet clothes dripping in my bathroom.  I seriously don't need this at the end of a long day. Where's the hub, you might ask?  Well,  after 3 weeks of being away,  he's finally home!  But he is constantly on standby which gives me the jitters and is due for a long haul again in early October. (this is true only at the point of publication). 

A mother's job is never done and because of this spate of virus, it's making me snap more often at Big K. As it is,  I'm already extremely guilty for not spending enough time with her and following up closely on homeschooling.  These days i just pick whatever's available and shove it to her, hoping i can get some peace for a mere 10minutes. I feel like I'm not doing much at the end of the day. I'd like to pen down my thoughts on my blog, but I would crash halfway after typing the first sentence or two. I would love to go on date nights with the hubs when he is in town, but it's either we are both held up at work or we had to rush back to pick the kids before the MIL goes berserk. I'd like to pack the house a little better and make it more like those featured on Apartment Therapy, but the thought of it being messed up the very next moment holds me back. In fact, the house is in such a mess, it's depressing. Toys strewned all over despite me teaching Big K how to put things in the bucket or at the very least shove everything to one side so that there's a wee bit of walking space. The hub unfortunately doesn't seem to care much. Stuff can be lying all over the place and he can be walking over them the entire day without picking 'em up. Issit just me being OCD and anal about tidiness? 

I'd like to clear more of my wardrobe and perhaps exchange more of them for money or simply donate to charity, but I can't. No time and the running nose was probably triggered by the fact that I was packing one night and all the dust got to me the second day. I would like to spring clean my computer which is oh-so-slow. In fact, i've done so much on the computer that it signaled to me that it was out of space the other day. Disk full, it says. Great. Just what I needed. I really need to get myself a new hard disk but even then, that is being held back coz I don't have the luxury of time to even go to the malls to get one! Trash everything you say? hmmm I'm quite a hoarder even on the technological front. I'm not sure about you but for me to hit on delete button for photos of my kids even though they are already on my hard disk n other computer and some on my phone, I simply can't do it! what if things crash on me suddenly and everything disappears? I needed more backup! I would like to cook more and experiment with more recipes like before, but these days, simple dishes are the way to go. Thankfully, the lil one is appreciating it. She just told me she likes mama's food the other day. I would like to take a day off and just busk in the sun or sit by the cafe with a good book, or go for a well deserved massage, but I can't. Well, i did try. Last Monday when Empress Dowager was around, i dashed out to do my grocery shopping. Walked by my favourite shop that says "back massage, 20minutes, $18". "I could do that", I thought. So, throwing all caution to the wind (yes, caution because I am very pressed for time), I went ahead. 10minutes into the massage, Dad called. Empress Dowager was panicking as Small K was screaming his head off and she thought i had forgotten to feed him! so yup, I had to cut things a little short and rush home. Nope, it wasn't that I was some irresponsible mother who forgot to feed the kid. Empress Dowager just couldn't handle two kids at a time. Note: half the time, Big K was entertained by my dad. I would like craft more and create beautiful things, but no beautiful thing can withstand the test of time and more importantly stand out in this messy house. I would like to finish a book within a day or two instead of having to read a page here or there during pockets of time. I don't even remember what I've read 5 minutes ago! I would like to be on top of things when it comes to homeschooling the lil bub. No doubt she goes to half day school, but i honestly think that I can do a better job and school is just a place for her to socialise whilst I head out to work. I would like to make new friends and attend events, but where can I find the time? It's always during working hours. I would like to keep up with old friends, but even having a conversation via watsapp isn't all that easy. I would like to expand Rhapnroll, but, ok i'm lazy. I'll be totally engrossed and that's not good. I can go on forever and that's just me. Poking my nose in every darn thing and seemingly very capable but honestly, I don't feel very smart as everything seems half achieved. The feeling is consuming me. Even blogging is taking a backseat. The amount of drafts I've amassed is crazy. 

3, close to 4months have passed and I think I've done a pretty darn good job at coping. 2 months into being a mother of 2 and I was off to work again. We've found our rhythm and this is how things look like on a typical day:

730am: Big K screams herself awake. I seriously don't get it. I am next to her and yet, she throws such a fit.
745am: Make milk for Big K after calming her down.
8am: Small K wakes up but I leave him to entertain himself in the crib
815am: Small K starts getting bored and wails for attention. Boob time.
830-915am: washing up (big K can be awfully slow when it comes to brushing her teeth. For that matter, she's always in slow mode) + breakfast time
930am: bathe Small K and play with him a bit whilst Big K has her free play
10am: Make Small K nap
1030am: Bathe Big K and start cooking lunch + pray that Small K doesn't wake up + entertain Big K with some activity. Yes, multitasking! can't help it as Big K will hanker me for an activity. 
1115am - noon: take lunch with Big K and pray that small K doesn't wake up that soon.
Often by now, Small K may wake up in fright and I'll have to calm him down again.
1230: make Big K nap and that involves carrying her and walking round the house like a lunatic. Yup, a bad habit coz everyone else was doing that since Day one. she will sleep on her own if she's with me, but that will probably take at least an hour. I don't have time for that hence i risk breaking my back and rock her to sleep.
1pm: Small K's boob time
115/ 130pm: Big K wakes up, has her milk and gets ready for school
130-145pm: sends Small K over to the MIL's place which is just within walking distance but bringing two kids along, plus the bottles of expressed breastmilk and my bags + Big K's bags. Oh man, it's really a test of strength and it's a juggling act at times.
215pm: arrival at school 
230pm: finally heading off to work. 
9pm: Off work. zoom home like an F1 driver especially if the hubs isn't in town. Hate that their sleep schedule gets screwed up. They need to be wound down by 830pm. Takes me an hour to get them to sleep. 
10+pm: dinner time and washing of bottles etc. That is provided I don't fall asleep with Big K. 
11pm: shower and expression of milk
midnight - I drift off to sleep: work/ Facebook
4/5am: expression of milk; sometimes I need to wake up twice for the same reason but often I'll snooze and wake up only when the cookies are near explosion.

That's how I deal with things every single day. It's rendering me breathless. No doubt very rewarding but I honestly wonder sometimes if I should just ease things a little n be a SAHM. Not saying that an SAHM is all easy job but at least I don't have to run things on a schedule and perhaps might feel a little happier. But the hubs probably will be vehemently against the idea. Weekends are a tad better as things don't really have to run on such strict schedule, but still, i need my sleep! I can't run on a million whys and my boobs, oh my dear cookies...they are on demand. To be honest, the boy is really good but the two take turns. Once I settled no.1, no.2 will ask for something. Sigh...i know it's a common complaint that 24hours isn't enough, but this is getting way ridiculous! This post took me 2 weeks to complete and now I'm well again however i simply can't be bothered to correct my tenses  for the first part of the entry. so, Pardon me!

The world cup

Under the sea birthday party

Issit just me or has birthday parties just taken a whole new level?  These days,  birthdays are no longer the simple sit down with the immediate family type. It's so so elaborate! Balloon sculptures, party favours, 3d birthday cakes which cost a bomb, dessert tables, photobooths and more! Wow! Overwhelming seriously! Does the kid even know it's his birthday? Does he even know the significance?  Parents are splurging so much these days on such events that it seems to be becoming norm. But, sorry babies,  mummy isn't gonna throw u such elaborate parties. not until u are 21 at least.  And even then, back then, i merely had a bbq with booze to celebrate the crossover to the next level. 

Anyhoots, we attended our first elaborate birthday party over the weekend. It was her classmate's. N to house such a huge party with such attendance (there must be at least 50pax), you'll need not one, but two houses. Note, it's HOUSES. Yup, I was told that the adults' buffet was right at the back. I headed behind and came to the kitchen which i thought was the back and hence a deadend. No sign of any buffet. A check with the maid and she pointed ahead - cross the swimming pool that has a hugeass octopus balloon sculpture, into the NEXT house where there were MORE guests!

Disco lights at this age? Hmmm..who wants to dance with me? :)

The kids' buffet spread.

The kids' dessert table. But the hubs ended up snacking too! haha

That hugeass octopus in the pool dividing the two houses.

Add caption

Making herself at home.

hmmm what's that behind? I really love it that she's looking very good in dresses these days! Finally she's fitting into her 12mth old outfits nicely! I don't have to alter them anymore! yay!

Forgot to buy a card, so made one very quickly and got Big K involved too!

Inspiring Quotes

In the blink of an eye, it's already Day 35 of my confinement. I'm aiming to do 40 days though the cantankerous nanny had left. well, at least the food department i'm not slacking. This whole DIY confinement and looking after an infant and toddler thus resulting in an average of 3hours of sleep each day is no joke! I think i completely deleted the tough parts of bringing up an infant. No time to even pee let alone blog! But i need to vocalise! so much to say/ type. but for now, let the pictures speak for themselves. Many of which (apart from no.1 and 2) spells me!

A peek into the after work hours of a FTWM

"Singapore's the best place in Asia to be a mum," proclaimed a headline in The Straits Times recently.

They must be mad. Clearly I wasn't being surveyed. Ok in all honestly, if you compare us to neighbouring countries, perhaps we are doing better in terms of infant survival rates and care for the mommies. We have extensive services like getting our supplies online from diapers to clothings. Thank goodness for that!  However, we are woefully thwarted by the price it comes with. Which explains why I'm a FTWM (full time working mom otherwise known as Freaking Tired Working Mom)

Despite much introspection on plummeting fertility rates and the obvious need for more babies there is still the glaring need to match it to our standard of living. Take childcare help for example..it can be anything from a few hundreds to close to $2k! And should HFMD strikes (which it did in Big K's school recently), every day of absentee, stabs my pocket bad! No refunds instead lots of logistic headaches.

I am quite thankful that my role as a FTWM is a pretty flexible one. My job allows me to spend time with my children in the day,  send Big K to school before heading to work and occasionally be back in time for bedtime stories though am usually home only at 930pm or 10pm. I'm also able to take urgent leave as and when i like without being accountable to a boss. As such,  the arrangement is much to the envy of many mummies. However if you think deeper,  it isn't that easy wearing the hats of a SAHM, FTWM, a maid,  a chef,  a chaperone,  an educator,  a mother,  a daughter,  a daughter-in-law and a wife. Prevalent social attitudes don't augur well for moms who aspire to do less at home and more at work. It's really crazy and a madhouse on and off work.  Here's a peak to a typical day prior to Baby K2's birth (coz I haven't quite figure out a plan when I have to deal with the two Ks!)

730am Big K asks for her milk

730-8am We laze around in bed and sometimes I get to sleep in for another half an hour should the Daddy decides to report to work late and deal with the morning routines

8am-830am Pooping (normally Big K as mummy often constipates), brushing of teeth and washing of face

830-915am Breakfast time.  Mainly for mummy coz Big K hates breakkie. Occasionally when I'm in the mood I'll create food art to entice her to eat. Meanwhile it is free play or tug-at-mummy's-leg time for Big K. Yup, mummy just can't have breakfast in peace. 

915-1015am simple chores like laundry and washing of dishes and preparation of lunch

1015-1115am home learning, cooking of lunch and preparing my work for the day.  You might ask why can't I do this the night before.  That's because my work station is in my room where Big K sleeps with me. We currently have only 2 rooms and now the other room is occupied by Baby K2.. all the more challenging

1115-12noon food battle aka feeding time

12-1230pm shower battle.  Big K hates getting her hair wet thus the coaxing takes a tremendous amount of time and effort. 

1230-1245pm Getting ready for school

1245pm-2pm Drive off to school,  find a shady spot in the vicinity to chill whilst Big K sleeps in the car and I start replying emails or catch up with some work.  That's the only way to get her to nap because if I had waited for her to nap naturally at home, it'd take eons n I run on a very tight schedule 

230pm school starts and mummy is off to work. My dad will pick her up and send her to my mil's place for dinner and typically the Daddy will pick her up. If Daddy is overseas (major headache), I'll have to speed back like an F1 driver to pick my lil one as anything after 9pm is her winding down period and if she gets overstimulated, I'll have hell making her sleep thereafter

930pm Average time i m home, sans dinner. Sometimes a little later,  sometimes a little earlier.  If I'm home earlier,  I'll read to Big K and get her to sleep  often I'll doze off with her only to wake up in shock much later

1030 - 2am Me time which include taking a shower, taking my dinner, chores, crafting, online shopping,  catching up with drama serial, following up with work (things are so flexible, often I've to work 24/7) and preparing Big K's homeschooling materials 
2 -730am źzzzzzzzzzzzz (this is so not happening with breastfeeding in the works right now!)

I believe all these are gonna change drastically once my confinement is over. Which is SOON!! In particular,  the nights are gonna get shorter unless Small K miraculously decides to sleep for longer periods and I don't have to pump milk every 2-3hrly to match his voracious appetite. 

Despite my daily rants (read: I'm such a complain monger nowadays it irks me! ), i eschew my career by choice (read: I don't have a choice do I? We are a typical family trying to survive the inflations!) and feel happy and fulfilled by being full time wives and mother. Am very thankful for all these challenges at times. Yes, sadistic as that might sound but it makes me a tougher person (read: haggard, exhausted and grumpy old hag) and I appreciate the arrangement thus far. No matter how tough it is, I'm glad I'm able to be there for my kids during their formative years.

Making homelearning materials takes up a lot of my time but seeing the results makes me feel it's all worth it. Plus I get an adrenaline rush by doing such stuff.  Perhaps an occupational hazzard. 

Conducting sprees occasionally.  Ya sometimes I think I'm too free

Online shopping.  Ordering diapers and  essentials online.  Whoever invented the Internet is a genius! 

Every morning,  Big K will demand that mummy does activities with her. At times when I didn't prepare the night before,  which happens very frequently for the last few months,  she'd be happy just to paint.  But I'm not too happy to clean up haha.

The mundane chores coz we don't have a helper. In all fairness, the hubs does his part. He's in charge of all the menial chores in the house if he's around. But typically he does it only once a week.

I make it a point to cook on Sundays and usually this is done with Big K tugging at my foot and the hubs out for his weekly soccer game.  I'm mighty pleased with myself coz at times I cook for more than the three of us. Sometimes I wish I were a man! They have it so easy! 

The house is mostly in a mess.  The OCD me however will try to press the reset button every night simply because Daddy can't lift a finger to even pick a toy strewned on the floor. He'd either kicks it aside or steps over it. Sounds familiar or is this unique to only my man? 

They say we should not reject help when they come knocking at your door. I get occasional 'help' from my cutie pie. How not to love her? 

If you ask me what's my secret to keeping sane and getting all the above done? People hail me as some supermom especially when they see the amount of effort I put into the kids' meals and the homelearning materials I constantly churn out even during confinement. However, when i look around me, sometimes I find myself not all so special coz this is a normal situation faced by many mummies alike. How i survive? I seriously have no idea! I have minimal help from Empress Dowager who works and no helper at home.  I used to be such a planner and go insane should things not follow a schedule. Doesn't help that the hubs takes the plane more than I take public transport. I'm terribly militant at times when it comes to my kids but over the years I've learnt to close one, if not both, eyes. The OCD in me still prevails as there are times I get utterly depressed looking at the mess I've to clear every day and night. Sometimes I just feel like throwing everything away and press the reset button. 

Ok, if you really want some TIPS, here's three for you. But beware! Not everyone can do it:

1) Sleep less do more. I know many mommies out there sleep very little as it is, but sometimes i cross the line. I could have slept more, but I'll engage in some bo liao (useless) in the eyes of some, activities eg blogging, crafting, online shopping etc (ask the hub, n he'll tell you more)

2) Close both eyes on chores or Train the husband. This is an extremely important tip. I incorporate both in my household. Since marriage, the hubs has been very enthusiastic about mopping the floor, vacuuming, washing the laundry and the toilet. You got to love him for this! However, due to his constant travelling stints, he has been pretty slack in this department. Time for me to have a refresher course with him! Very timely too with the arrival of Small K.

2) Shut up and just do it. Whining won't get you anywhere. But i do it anyway! haha Things will get better, or so said by many other experienced mommies. I'm sure it will, but for now, I'll just need to bite the bullet and go with the flow! Wish me luck!

This post is part of a blog train hosted by Christy from Kids ‘R’ Simple on “A Peek into the After Work Hours of a FTWM“. Read about how 21 FTWMs from Singapore Mom Bloggers handle their kids and household everyday from 1 June to 21 June. The aim is to give other working mums motivation, ideas and support to deal with the everyday demands of juggling work and family while keeping sane. We will be happy to hear your story, tips and even an encouraging word will make our day! Share your thoughts in the comments!

Read about Klessis, the next ftwm on this blogging train and her experience tomorrow.
The J Babies is all about the life of two little girls - Joey & Jayne, and their little adventures in life. Mummy Kless shares about the places they visit, activities and programs they engage in and just about anything fun and interesting to do in Singapore!