Twilight Zone : Baby updates

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I’m in the twilight zone – my days and nights have fused into one giant ball of sleeplessness.

Days like these, I get through each day by reminding myself to be thankful. And not just a perfunctory “ok, let’s be thankful” but to spend time focusing on all the things I’ve got to be grateful for.

If we are not nursing, I am trying my darnest to get her to nap. That can take hell long, during which she can be screaming for me to carry. I could be walking in circles, rocking, soothing, singing, patting. And when she finally caves and falls asleep, I heave a sigh of relief and go settle my basic human needs like PEE or SHOWER or EAT. Just when you thought you can have a wee bit of a breather, the little monster wakes up coz she's a shitty sleeper!

The highs are rewarding and exhilarating but the lows are debilitating and painful.

Growth spurts seem to come every 2 or 3 wks. Just when we thought we got into the momentum of stuff, WHAM! we are back on that roller coaster ride all over again. night time is a battle for us. At least for me. Putting her to bed is such a struggle and she'll often wake up in fright every half an hour! There can never be any couple or me time. Then, every 3 hours later, she'll scream herself awake again and the only way to soothe was to rock or nurse. What is Daddy Liew doing all this while? SNORING! Well to be fair, he tried but the baby rejected him at night. I guess i'm resigned to this wonderful fate called motherhood -- a bittersweet experience.

Your naps are seriously shitty too. And though you get away with it through your gummy grins, it still tires me to no end when you wave your arms and legs so enthusiastically when you are supposed to be napping. 

Babies who eat solids (and/or formula, for that matter) are NOT BETTER SLEEPERS! Also, the idea that babies’ appetites for milk increase as they grow is hogwash.

Honestly, it irks the shit out of me when well-meaning grandparents or friends try to run our lives. Telling us that our milk is getting stale or that baby isn't growing as much as they'd like to thus we'd have to switch to formula or that it's gona be hell to quit the habit of latching the longer we drag. UTTER RUBBISH! What makes it worse is the lack of appreciation and respect towards me, the mother of their precious granddaughter. They complain about K’s lack of sleep in the day and terrible intake of milk (again, personal attack on the quality and smell of the milk is being made) – have they not realized that this was what I had to deal with, on my own, for 3 months?

Being the sole caregiver of a wakeful baby is not easy and I was battling depression, sleep deprivation and a sudden loss of self. When your days and nights revolve around a little being, it can feel awfully claustrophobic.

I entertained notions of becoming a SAHM, but HOW?

This feisty little girl is one with her own little personality. I just hope it gets better. I know it will =)

baby k is crawling!

Sunday, July 1, 2012

The baby has started crawling!!
Ok this post is way way way backdated. Can't help it. it's terribly trying to be taking care of the lil one n be working full time at the same time. Some might say that it's easy, but ha! they'd probably have a helper or have shoved the pacifier into the lil one's mouth. Sorry, doesn't work that way in my camp.

OK, back to the crawling bit. BB k has started crawling backwards when she was 5mths n by the time she's 6-7mths she was flying! Had a wooden fence shipped in to contain the little monster. It's not enough it seems as she'd be holding on to it and shaking furiously. At least for now, it can help by giving me pee breaks.

You are always my cutest baby!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Friend T texted me to say she saw Bb k in the papers and i was like huh? really? OMG i'm a celebrity mum!!! haha...needless to say, i was darn excited over k's first media appearance. It's really a blessing to be appreciated but then again, I think she deserved more than a consolation!! If you are interested at all, you may read more and see more cutie pies in the following:

 She loves putting her head in this manner. I wonder why? the world looks better this way?

My first mother's day

Friday, June 1, 2012

ok this is definitely a long overdue post. But since i'm in a marathon here, i might as well finish up what I started. 

Really a strange feeling that I'm a mummy now. Can't quite believe it but yeah I am. It's really heart warming that the hub bought lunch on behalf of bb k and we spent quality time together. We came a long way -- the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding battles, the blocked ducts and the post-natal depressions. wow wee! n then just as you thought things were in your grasp, she may throw these curve balls that stump us a little. But we manage. Or rather I manage. And I'd like to give myself a pat on the back for doing well thus far. Still breastfeeding exclusively and managing the pressures of work. Ok, sometimes i go insane and may lose control and take my anger on the hub but I think he has also evolved to be a better person because of k. It's not gona be easy down the road. Kids need full apprenticeship of years in order to achieve many things and there's also the constant battle to keep up with the Tans and the Lees, those are just the tip of the ice-berg, but i think, motherhood has transformed me and NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!


Thursday, May 31, 2012

You cannot imagine the shock plastered across my face when i saw that blogger had a new facelift! what's more, my last blog entry was in MARCH!! n it's now JUNE? HOLY COW!!! where has all the time gone? Am terribly guilty for not penning down lil k's milestones. So much so, i remember only bits and pieces of what happened when. You can't blame me! the mama has got too much on her puny brain! Bearing in mind, it's quite a journey on her own these two months with the hub's insanely intense travelling schedule. really wishes that he starts thinking of the family more. Not that he doesn't, but sigh, that's for another time.

Almost had an apocalyptic meltdown the last couple of weeks! the hub came back, the hub left. We made our maiden family trip to HK (m gonna do that on a separate post), came back, hub left within 2 days. Back for 1.5days and left again for close to 2 wks. I could possibly cave in and hire a helper to make life easier but the masochistic part of me wants to handle everything myself! So i have to simply find a way to soldier on and be a supermum! I did and guess what? I failed miserably last Wednesday. I caved in. For a long time, this had not happened. I was getting into the rhythm of things, deciphering the code to what the cry is all about and fighting all those night feeds alone. it has taken me a long time to be able to identify cues from my baby because i'd be fighting with my expectations, but yeah, reevaluation recalibrated me. Everything seems to be under control when Mastitis hit me!! It's been rough. I thought i could carry on working but I was wrong. Fever shot up to 39.8 degrees Celsius and i was this close to dying! migraine was back and i puked non stop. I had to force to recover within the day and by the power of God, i DID! fever subsided by midnight! THANK YOU LORD! i guess it's also due to sleep deprivation that this time things were this bad and it had been a rough couple of weeks without the hub. Not that with him around, things would make a 360 degree turn but at least, he helps with the diaper changing. I was whining the whole time, on FB, on watsapp and to the hub. I realise that he might be in the midst of training but i was truly feeling miserable and thought to myself how am i to take care of bb k that night? Then, the MIL sprung a surprise at my doorstep! Brought bb k back hm at 7pm. But she was only here to take the EBM in preparation for bb k to camp over at her place! I gave a puzzled look but later figured that the hub must have called her to say i'm ill n that k should b at her place. A first. n something which i will never allow. HALLO? does anyone respect me? ala mother of bb k? I know it's with all good intentions but the lil bub needs to latch in order to ease my blocked ducts! she's the most powerful pump! Yet, the educated hub doesn't realise that. MIL needless to say, does not know. I felt unacknowledged.

i snapped out of things almost instantly and explained the situation to the MIL who kindly offered to bring k back again on the next feed (which was supposedly 9pm). I may not have the bandwidth to stay calm but i had to. Particularly coz this person is my MIL and she had been a good help as compared to my own Empress Dowager. If i'm not calm or strong, this whole lack of support system, would definitely place me in the depression zone once again. 

So yeah, fast fwd, I'm very much better now albeit a stiff neck which wouldn't go away, a twisted wrist due to carrying the lil one and a nagging migraine. Sheez, think all these stem from having to juggle too many demands. Coping with the rigorous demands of motherhood isn't easy and living up to the supermom image is even a steeper ladder to climb!

To sum up, bb k is just 7 days shy from being 7 months!! Oh wow! my lil baby is all grown up! sigh. Milestone check:
  • Can crawl backwards (think that happened when she was 5mths?) she can't crawl forward yet but has been desperately trying to lift her bum up and zip off, only to fall flat on her face! haha.hilarious at times when you witness, but it's frustration for the lil one.
  • can sit steadily on her own. That prolly happened more than a mth ago?
  • has her first two pearlies (on her lower jaw). Her teething pains starts and so does mine! She has been exceptionally clingy and needy at night and been drooling a little. Sticking her finger to bite constantly doesn't seem to help soothe things. Neither does the teething toy. Only thing -- the boobies!
  • been mouthing mama constantly. started way long but these days, it's clearer and frequent. *lovez*
  • Been blowing bubbles very often 
  • Learnt to shake her head (but doesn't quite know that it could mean no. the MIL always says she's shaking her head each time milk is given -_-)
  • started on solids. So far, has taken brown rice, carrots, sweet potato (she loves it when given by me) and avocado (from her expression, it tastes weird, but since it's something new, she takes it with a frown)

 Look what mummy made for lil bub! her new sensory toys!

On other news, I caught up with old pal F and am so happy to learn that he's getting married! hope this time it works out for him. Had dinner at Megumi and hmm i must say the food is not bad. service wise, they can't quite handle crowds coz they screwed up my rsvn. The day before, i caught up with childhood fren N who is also getting married! stress was written all over his face! haha a similarity between the two guys! what's up guys? Apparently N isn't quite ready for the new challenge but has been in the game for 8 years so yeah, it's kindof a natural progression. It's unbelievable that we've known each other since 7yrs old! GOSH! and what's more amazing is despite not keeping in touch somewhere in the middle of things, we still could remember intimate stuff like each other's birthdays! he further shocked me by remembering my wedding date and year! OMG LA! True pal! Dinner was at Pepperoni @ Frankel n i discovered that I could have a pizza with two flavours! how cool is that! Photo's in my phone and i'm just too tired to do a transfer. Speaking of which, I NEED A NEW PHONE! my iphone 3G is so laggy!

Back to pre-preg size

Thursday, March 22, 2012

This is an overdue post: I"M BACK TO MY PRE PREG weight! the title was just to capture your attention coz size is a little out for some pieces where the hips are concerned!

I attribute this fast weight lost to breastfeeding! Totally rocks! No exercise was done on my part unless you consider carrying the Pump in style up, together with my immense amount of books and bag up and down the car each day a form of labour, then yes, i did exercise MAJORly! In all honestly, I did not gain much. probably just 13kg and shed almost 5-6kg after giving birth. Persistence in wearing the binder after the malay massage was one of the factors contributing to this weight lost. Getting the right binder thereafter is also a must. But I'm still 5kg away from my ideal which was the weight I held when I was married. That was my peak and really hope the fats will just melt away! Drinking heaps of water also helped. Particularly since I'm breastfeeding. Trust me, I still eat like a hippo and the occasional bouts of ice cream and cake temptations seem to be growing in frequency.

Getting back the hour glass figure (if i even had one in the first place) is quite impossible at this rate i'm going. Laziness is one obstacle, but more importantly, where in the world do I find the time? Some may say i should go jogging whilst pushing the pram with baby in tow. Not wise considering I'd have jelly legs thereafter and too soft to even keep the pram and carry the lil bub! But then again, just the other day, i had to carry the 6kg lil pumpkin up the MIL's place coz both lifts were faulty! n a day ago, up 5 flights of stairs coz some inconsiderate asshole smoked in the lift. Well, besides breastfeeding, wearing the binder religiously also helped to a large extent. I suppose stress from work and eating healthy (at least I try for lunch) contributed. Can't imagine when the time comes to stop breastfeeding. Now I'm totally indulging, not thinking about the consequences when gulping down that hot chocolate with whip cream or finishing the tub of Hagen Daz ice cream.

I guess for now, I shall indulge in my complacency afterall, i managed to fit into that tiny denim shorts which i could not squeeze my fat ass into pre-preg!! woohoo!

Eliminate and Concentrate

Sorry for the blog pause, that is if anyone out there is actually reading. It's been quite a whirlwind of activities ever since last November when the lil bub came into our world. I spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out her incessant wails and planning her next feed or my next pump. Now that work has started, every night when I'm back, it's a joy watching her finally succumbing to her fatigue. It's such a breather to be able to sit and followup on things thereafter, only to worry that the lil bub will decide to wake up at 2+am. My brain is certainly not designed to function at the wee hours of the day as the only acceptable thing to do is to snuggle up in bed. That said, in the past i used to do late nights. Coming home at 5am till dad had to lock me out was no surprise. N pre-pregnancy, staying up to chat with sis L till 4am is also a routine. But these days, I'm just hoping I've more time for sleep. I'd be thankful if lil bub allows me a full 4 hours stretch of undisturbed sleep. It's certainly vital that her neural tube develops properly and one way is to SLEEP!

It's a daunting challenge albeit a very rewarding one to be placed in this situation. Love involves sacrifices and I astound myself with my productivity at times. Ok, i can certainly do better but seems like there's always an endless amount of things to follow up. Bad thing about me is I like to tackle the easy stuff first before working up the guts to do something more intense. By then, the pile of stuff would sit there and mock me. Sometimes, I accumulate so many things to do that it starts to look impossible. To be fair, I haven't exactly been very organised in more ways than others. Perhaps coz endless amount of things seem to be coming in ie. enquiries for Jumpstart (which is a good thing); research on lil bub's kindy matters (that will come in a separate post some time lter i hope) and not to mention, with the exams round the corner, a crazy amount of homework to followup. In fact, was just telling the hub that i haven't been able to concentrate and focus even when driving. His reply -- Lack of sleep. I know how u feel. You do? seriously? The hub is always in bed by the time lil bub goes to bed which is approximately midnight. I can't imagine how it'd be when he travels again. With him around, at least lil bub gets to be home early..else she'd have to wait till 10+pm before mommy picks her. By then, fatigue has overwhelmed her and she'd be all cranky. Not a very welcoming gesture after a long day. As if that's not challenging enough, her fussing moments before sleep can take one anywhere from half an hour to an hour or so! In all fairness however, he tries to alleviate my agony. I'm not complaining about this new role, just wonder when I can slow down a bit and concentrate on the lil bub and myself. The hub suggested going for a trip...just the both of us, but easier said than done! He's pressing me for a date to go on the trip and I insisted on bringing lil bub so it won't be that taxing on the MIL. Baby needs mommy! no seriously, u should see her at night prior to her bed time. In anycase, I don't want to be lugging my pump n have to dump whatever I've express. Heart pain! But there's a lot of matters to worry about should we bring baby along eg hv we brought enough diapers? would she feel awful at take off and landing? Will she change her routine n mess things up? Would the ppl there be open to nursing in public? My goodness, the list seems endless, but to the hub, he just wants a "break" from sunny Singapore. We'll see.

I think i seriously need to re-assess my routine. Need to eliminate all the fuzz and concentrate! To begin, maybe I should acknowledge what's mounting on my to-do list and grasp those issues by the horns instead of procrastinating. Need to try harder at spending more time with the lil bub. Guilt is eating me up when I see how she's struggling to keep awake just to see her mama at night! In all honesty, I think i haven't been all that industrious compared to a few months back. It's a stark contrast eg I'd be waking up at 5am to pump but now, i'd rather sleep n pray that lil bub will wake up only at 7am. It's increasingly difficult to be motivated with all this sleep deprivation going on. With that said, i should perhaps stop typing and start doing something more substantial!! haha

Single Parent

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Blogging used to be an avenue to destress. It still is, unfortunately, there's simply not enough time these days. Wish someone would come up with a system which verbalises my thoughts as a blog. That would certainly save time!

The last week of February was all joy and sweat. The hub was not in Singapore for a week and it was the first time ever he missed my birthday. By missing, i don't mean not being able to celebrate physically with me, but emotionally and more importantly, THERE"S NO PRESENT!! To be fair, he did get me a bottle of Dior on his previous business trip but he purchased the wrong one! I was whining for Jadore eons ago and have since gotten it for myself. The finger was pointed at me coz I was not appreciative. Sigh....this is the second time he got me a duplicate..clearly the fault doesn't only lie in me? In anycase, we did discuss what my present should be. I reckon, Men are generally dense, thus I might as well make it clear. The discussion was a lively one and it ended off with him saying that he'll get a discount from a certain someone. Surely all this talk has been imprinted in his mind? Think again. When the discussion surfaced for the second time (after my birthday), the finger was once again pointed at me as I did not remind him. Sigh.

Thankfully, i've got great bffs who won't ditch me on this special day! Went out with the gals at the new Katong i12. TGIF is there and I'm gaga over Max brenner..The molten lava cake is to die for! a little pricey though.

Two other people who won't ditch me and would do everything in the world for me -- My parents. SOmehow, with the introduction of their grand-daughter, they seem more patient. They were even willing to queue up from 630pm till 8pm for a seat and till 9+pm for my long awaited dish -- CRAB! thereafter, empress dowager helped to bottle feed Baby K. Amazingly she did it in 20mins flat! So unlike the MIL who needs an hour. Strange. Half the time, mom was talking and carrying Baby K and my dear Billy (aka dad) just sat there and gave me 75% of the crabs! I ate till my arms ached! BUT BOY WERE THEY GOOD!!! I waited for 13months before eating!! blame it on the C-sec! Had to wait an additional 100 days *groan*

A happy meal for a happy me! Cooked noodles w heaps of ingredients and most importantly -- 2 eggs! Noodles symbolises longevity and eggs...errrr....Go google!

The shoulders groaned under the weight of immense responsibility with me getting up in the morning, interacting with Baby K, bathing her, cooking my own lunch (the only proper and most nutritious meal of the day) and thereafter, send her over to the MIL's before carrying the pump, the books and the bag down to the car for work. The day end typically at 9+/ 10pm and by the time I'm back to pick the lil one, her eyelids were as heavy as lead, struggling to see her mommy before she sleeps and demanding for her last feed. It's not until past midnight that I'm able to truly sit down and have a snack/ drink/ bath or even pee! With the hub away so frequently (he doesn't feel so though), lil bub is beginning to wonder who this man is and I am made to feel like a single parent. Often, I marvel at this resilience I have and the ability to take care of the 101 niggly things. It's a real hustle and bustle and these days, I yearn for a day when I can just zone out, chill over a good cup of tea + cakes and not work.

I'm not lamenting that I don't enjoy this working mommy gig, but just wish I can sit back and breathe for a bit before the new day ambushes me. Sometimes, my mind is so bogged with stuff that I can forget to bring back bb's milk that's left in someone's house! Or better yet, i may wake up early to prep lunch to bring along, only to forget to pack it into my bag! All the responsibilities are clamoring for my attention. It doesn't help too that MIL thinks that my job is real flexible and I'll have less work during the hols thus she can tell the son that she's going off for a hol. Going off for a hol isn't the problem. In fact, everyone needs their respite. BUT, can people keep the MOTHER in the loop? When the spare milk runs out, the son gets to know. When there's logistic changes, the son gets to know. But it's the mommy aka ME who is running the show and no one bothers to update me. Often, I'm caught off guard.

I strive to live in harmony rather than becoming overwhelmed and letting chaos reign but the cumulative effect is killing me softly. However, when I see the below face, all fatigue gets erased (momentarily at least):

Who can resist this sweetie pie?
Bad habit! but self-soothing.
happily doing the twist. She has learnt to turn but not quite stable in doing the flip. At times when she can't flip back, she'll get all irritated and whine. haha...Adorable much?

Mummy sayang

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Have been back at work for a week and though i took it slow, it has been agonising to leave lil bub behind. I believe lil pumpkin will be left in good hands whilst i'm at work, but guilt and separation anxiety pangs are hitting in fast and furious.

Many a times, people see that i'm in an enviable position of being to work at my own pace but i still put in full-time hours (if not more) with a little flexibility thrown in. Am in the midst of setting my schedule straight but "clients" are always demanding and it's always about they, themselves and them. It's a losing battle when it comes to creating the perfect schedule. In fact, despite letting go of 4 assignments, I'm still stuck with a monday-saturday work week with each day ending at an average of 930pm. Hopefully i can be home on time for lil pumpkin's last feed and pat her to sleep. That is if she keeps up with the current routine.

Things are indeed getting easier. My baby, who looked like an angel, was a monster when it came to the breast. As a nursing newbie in the early days of first-time motherhood, I was constantly stressed, worried, and in pain. Pain was something I experienced a couple of days back when lil pumpkin's latch was bad. I developed blister on the right nipple. The scientific name for it is apparently bleb. Not entirely her fault as she needed more comforting than usual due to a fever. She had her first dose of 5-in-1 and pneumococcal jab on the day she turned 3 months. What a way to celebrate! Brought her to the MIL's as usual and pre-empted her abt the jabs and their side effects. All was good, or so I thought, and the hub and I decided to sneak out for a little pre-Valentine's Day dinner celebration. However, once home, I discovered that lil pumpkin was a tad warm. My fears were confirmed when the thermometer registered 37.5!!

The hub and I panicked and instantly syringed her with paracetamol. She put up a feisty struggle and was clearly uncomfortable and confused. I mean who wouldn't? First it was the nipples then the bottle and now comes the syringe! She must be thinking "WHADDAT?" The night was extremely long as we monitored her temperature every half an hour. It went up to 37.8 and we started to sponge her. Things got a little better but like i said she needed loads of comfort and fell asleep on the breast and screamed when I tried to get her off so that I could empty my aching bladder.

I was really reluctant to head off to work the next day, however, the hub assured me that he'd tk good care of the lil pumpkin. His hourly updates allayed my worries and I survived the day and zoomed back by 4pm. Sux but I don't have a choice. But I must say, the hub was really good. not only did he managed to bottle feed lil baby K (trust me, that's a mean feat!), he also managed to wash her laundry, mop the floor and bring baby k down for lunch!

On the same note, I wasn't having it easy either. The day started with a 5am feed. Thereafter, lil pumpkin refused to sleep and I had to coax her till 6am before pumping the boobies That took me 45mins together with all the sterilising and cleaning up. Seriously hate using the machine! Thereafter, got ready and at 830 i was at work. Constantly whatsapped the hub for updates and I survived till 1230. Found a multi storey carpark and starting milking in the car. Yup. bought a car adapter specially for it and it's insane seriously to be carrying my Medela Pump In Style up and down every day, together with my other barangs! Felt extremely conscious when pumping as there were people walking up and down. Though I was well covered, plus it was dark, I still felt uneasy. Dark- another challenge. I couldn't tell if i had emptied those breasts thus could only use the clock as my guide. after pumping for 20mins, I scooted off to my next venue. Once work was done, I zoomed to my mom's place to collect the groceries for the week. Being a nursing mother, taking care of oneself is of utmost impotence and plus I do not have the luxury of having homecooked food all the time, thus I had to go the extra mile to cook my own lunch whenever possible. By 4pm I was home and it was then that the hub decided that it's easier if we cooked instead of dining out. I agreed and after a good pump and shower, i started preparing whilst the hub and baby took a nap. BOY WAS I TIRED! That's seriously an understatement! I amaze myself at times and wonder where I got all that energy. However, the energy bubble burst that night. My feet were aching and I was feeling grouchy when lil pumpkin didn't want to sleep. It didn't help that halfway through the ordeal, the hub decided to head off to T's place to view a soccer match! But i guess it's all in a day's work and what makes me go on is the smile I receive everyday from the lil one.

Lil pumpkin was all cheer when I hugged and kissed her, though for a moment I felt that she wasn't interested in me. The daddy must have played too much with her! Thankfully, she's still interested in the breasts! haha

Milestones in the making :)

Bad start

Monday, February 6, 2012

Today marks the first day I'm back to work n it's not as easy as I hoped it to b. a week prior to my return, we've been sending baby over to the mil to get her accustomed though we go over every evening. However on the last few attempts, as if on 6th sense, lil pumpkin threw a tantrum when bathing and feeding at the in-laws. To me, babies r very adaptable and should they b that hungry, they'll drink from the bottle. The adults would just hv to deal with the wails and reluctancy. Instead, I'm constantly being told my the mil that baby is very naughty and dropped subtle hints that it's my fault for latching all this while. Trust me, I had a plan for the daddy to bottle feed the lil one when he returns home but for the entire wk he's either changing switches(yes that's his new toy and apparently more important thAn training the lil one) or he's been engross in his DVD. Even asking him to mop the floor was do difficult. So you can guess as much as to how lil pumpkin takes to the bottle. Then I suggested changing the teats but as usuAl my suggestion was refuted by the mil. I'm not doubting her ability to raise three kids but perhaps I know just a tad more about the baby? And again the hub was not on my side till one day he himself changed the teats and was more successful in feeding.

The above was not the only manifestation of how much my opinion is being treasured. Tdy marks the last day of Chinese new year n the first day bk at work. I purposely came Hm early to hv dinner w his extended family but only to b greeted with a quarrel. The moment I entered our Hm, the hub said that fren P said its really bad to put ebm in freezer, kills antibodies.that was the exact reason why I had insisted on latching initially when both mothers weren't too supportive. Anyways, fren P says best to express n Plc in fridge for 8hrs n should the baby not drink it then Plc in freezer. Given my schedule n the fact that bb won't b with me when I pump (probably get to see her only 8hrs later) the mtd obviously doesn't mk much sense. I tried to voice out but was deemed as interrupting. Then I figured he is constantly listening to fren P blindly. As much as I treasure others opinion, we sometimes must see if it fits the circumstance. So things got heated and he stomped off with me in the background saying I won't go over to granny's. Not only did he not show concern that I didn't hv dinner, he probably cooked up some story for my absence as the mil was shocked to learn that I was Hm. Hm alone on yuan Xiao without my bb n family isn't exactly the best thing.

Long story short, this time, i didn't say or defended my stand like he said, coz would I get my pt across? I felt really guilty coz tonight he insisted on me expressing n him feeding the freshly squeezed milk. Don't ask me what's thd logic but I'm guilty coz I promised the lil one that I'll be the inf feeding her esp her last feed n when she wakes up she'll c me. Before sleeping I'll also b the one carrying her. Day one n I broke my promise coz of him. I left thd house wanting so badly to seek refuge at my mum's but didn't want them to worry n didn't know how to explain coz to them I'm living in bliss n I don't want them to b worrying for their only daughter.

I came Hm after wandering ard thd estate on an empty tummy(stupid me forgot to tk my wallet w me) n cm Hm to c my lil one wailing. I cradled her tightly and latched n she slept. I'm sorry baby to let u wait. Mummy didn't mean to break her promise but things r really intense ESP if the support is weak. I'm so sorry baby, I didn't mean to abandon u. I'm really stressed by lots but thankfully I have u. Mummy loves u darling. U must always remember that.

Separation Anxiety

Friday, January 27, 2012

Will be going back to the grind in a wk's time and am agonising over leaving lil bub behind. I believe lil pumpkin will be left in good hands whilst i'm at work, but guilt and separation anxiety pangs are hitting in fast and furious.

Many a times, people see that i'm in an enviable position of being to work at my own pace but i still put in full-time hours (if not more) with a little flexibility thrown in. Am in the midst of setting my schedule straight but "clients" are always demanding and it's always about they, themselves and them. It's a losing battle when it comes to creating the perfect schedule. In fact, despite letting go of 4 assignments, I'm still stuck with a monday-saturday work week with each day ending at an average of 930pm. Hopefully i can be home on time for lil pumpkin's last feed and pat her to sleep. That is if she keeps up with the routine.

10 weeks and counting

Saturday, January 14, 2012

It's been a while since I've blogged and the dust bunnies are beginning to settle. You can't blame me...I've been living, sleeping breathing, thinking of nothing else but the lil bub. All I want to do everyday is to survive till nightfall, when I could perhaps lay back and breathe before a new day ambush me. I look downright disheveled.

Anyhow, quick photo update on progress:

I made a big boo boo. Was in too much of a hurry whilst clipping her nails and look what happened! I was frantic as I was alone at home with no baby band-aid. I applied pressure on her little finger but the blood kept oozing profusely. My heart bled and I was unspeakably guilty. After consulting some experienced mommy, i came to realise that it's actually a common thing! haha and that babies are like wolverines, thus their skin will heal in no time. Just air dry it, no plaster needed.

At 4wks, she's 5.1kg and time to upgrade. From a 3-room flat to a condominium and she seems to like it a whole lot!

You got to adore the pictures! I'm simply enveloped in the warmth of love. Looking back, I'm thankful for the unbridled blessings

I'm so happy that both the hub and I were able to witness certain milestones. The above was achieved on 27 January! Jia you lil pumpkin! soon you'd be crawling and creating havoc!

Wearing many hats

It's tough enough being a i'm a mother, a cow, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a maid and a wife. Rather than becoming overwhelmed and letting chaos reign, it's the cummulative effect of several small steps int he right direction and I think I'm adjusting slowly. It's really quite a struggle to balance the ever-growing to-do-list. No matter how small the item may be eg giving the grandma a call, I have to try to squeeze time for it. The difficulties I face as a new mother caught me off guard. I had looked forward to motherhood and assumed that caring for the baby would happen naturally. Instead, I found that I had no clue. It doesn't help that the hub is constantly travelling...being away for two weeks prior to the Lunar New Year was certainly no joke. Spring cleaning thankfully started early for me, else the dust bunnies on my blog would be passed on to my home. I tend to be an all-or-nothing type of cleaner/ organiser, thus when it comes to spring cleaning, I give myself the added stress. When the hub finally came home for a day in between trips, he had to fall ill! There went my hopes of him helping to take care of lil pumpkin while i catch up on forty winks.

I know that I should not entertain lil pumpkin's every waking moment as that would be really taxing. But trust me, you wouldn't want a wailing child as an accompaniment whilst doing those chores. Thus, I resorted to doing the laundry at 5am and cooking my lunch at 10am. Whenever there's pockets of free time (usually only for 15mins), I would try to do something productive. After spending my last ounce of energy attending to my baby, she would then sometimes cry for no discernible reason, and it puts me over the edge.

However, after 2+months of training, I would say that we have established quite a bit of understanding. I try talking to her quite a bit and she seems to understand that mommy has to bathe, eat and shit. It works sometimes. Her bedtime routine is also more or less fixed, with the fussiness setting in at around 8 - 10pm and dozing off to sleep by 11+pm. That to me is a bonus. Thereafter, she'll wake up at 4am but there were occasions where she woke up at 6am! WOOHOO! At times, I would be the one waking up before her, wondering what's happening? I guess my clock has now been adjusted. These days, mostly, I yearn for more sleep, but would often wake up at dawn with rock hard boobies. Then, Dilemma would strike -- To pump or not to pump, that is the question. You see, very often, shortly after pumping, lil pumpkin seems to sense it and would wake up for her feed! Despite knowing that there's always a constant supply, how can the supply be great right after pumping?

To boost supply, apart from the "holy" fenugreek which everyone swears by it (But i've yet to try), I turn to the kitchen and treating myself well with home cook food. If you recall, I really enjoy cooking, but with the lil one on board, fixing up a simple meal sometimes seems very elaborate and arduous. Below are some of the food I've been pampering myself with:

To minimise the guilt of eating instant noodles, I added fish (生鱼)and egg. Hey, give the woman a break ya, I haven't had instant noodles for eons.

Somehow, I feel that I hadn't had much soup during my confinement and the Chinese believe that confinement should actually be 40days instead of the usual 30 days. My rationale is, just nourish oneself once in a while! the body isn't only gonna absorb during those 40 or 30 days! The hub also benefitted. TCM physician said his body is "cooling" thus would need to take more "confinement" food to "heat" up the body. Thus whatever i drink, I'd give him a bowl.

A rare sight-- 3 dishes and a soup!

Mostly, in the afternoons, I'll just have a fish/ meat and rice. It can get a little bland and boring, thus I try to tweak the recipe at times. The above is pan seared salmon with crispy ginger bits.

Another simple fare

They say you'll have to constantly latch and religiously pump in order to up your supply, so even if it means sacrificing my sleep at 5am, I'll do it. Typically I do it once at that hour when my supply is peak. To date, I'm consistently getting approximately 180-200ml from the better boobie and 90ml from the not so good boobie. A vast difference!

Mom has been pretty helpful, getting me groceries every monday. However, each time she does that, she'd complain that food is expensive. This, despite the fact that I give her additional $ for the food she buys. To top it off, she gets $ from my dad as well. talk about being shrewd. That's Empress Dowager for you.
This was one of the more "elaborate" meals I've whipped up. Preparing and frying the pork chops took a while thus it was really quite an achievement when I manage to savour the fruits of my labour!

530am: Attended to baby's feed
6am: Pat baby to sleep again and got ready to head to the wet market
640am: arrived at the wet market
7am: done with marketing and spent almost $100
720am: bought breakfast for the hub and I at another venue
8am: Arrived home to the above scene (sooo sweet)
830am: was done with washing and packing up the raw produce
840am: decided to pump my rocks since lil bub was sleeping soundly
9am: Thought I could finally take a breather and rest
915am: lil pumpkin decided to wake up for her feed. *YAWN*

Parenthood is a big thing. Make that a big and often lonely thing. Most days, I could sure do with a big dollop of encouragement and inspiration to keep going.

Hello 2012!

Monday, January 2, 2012

It was a traumatic start to 2012 and blame it on the hub. I am still so not over it. Visions of what happened keep playing like a movie reel. The incident totally manifests the hub's lack of responsibility, patience and BRAINS! See, what happened was, seeing that I was tired after our new year eve's party, the hub offered to feed lil pumpkin. After much persuasion, I relented, thinking that it'd be a good chance for father and daughter to bond at an unearthly hour. Usually, I would rather latch on as it's really quite a hassle to heat up the EBM and wash up eventually. Anyhowz, he had to be woken up by me when the lil one cried. Yes, selective listening has hit once more. I was initially in a semi-conscious mode when lil bub was crying for milk but soon drifted back to sleep when all sounded peaceful. That was 5am. By 9+am, I suddenly heard a really loud wail (nope, i don't think i missed the little whimpers...i'm usually very sensitive and would jump out of bed). Upon hearing the cries for help, i immediately shot to lil bub and was appalled to see her slipping to the edge of her bouncer, head nearing the metal piece and before I could reach her, she toppled off and landed, head first, with a thud on the hard tiled ground!!!!!! She screamed. Naturally. and I screamed too for I couldn't believe what the hub had done!!! What was he thinking, not strapping the little one to the bouncer?! In the first place, WHY WAS SHE EVEN ON THE BOUNCER!!!!! she should be in the cot when she's sleeping at night! that had been the routine i've been trying to establish. The hub dashed out only to explain that it was coz lil pumpkin didnt want to sleep thus he left her on the bouncer n went to sleep!! WTF! I was hell mad n instead of staying by our side during that all crucial moment, he touched the lil bub's head for a moment and went back to sleep!!! Double WTF! Lesson learnt: Trust no one except yourself when it comes to taking care of your lil one. Not even the hub! Men. They think they are oh so strong, but in reality, it's the women who are the stronger ones!

Till now, I am tremendously worried. Will there b any side effects? Fellow mommies have offered advice and most say that babies falling off is a very normal situation and as long as there's not unusual behaviour, vomitting, drowsiness, things should be fine! SHOULD. How would I know if there's anything hidden? In fact, the dr will not be able to detect it that soon either. No xray can be given to a child this young. True, she might not have fractured her skull given that they are at an age where their body parts are flexible. It takes approximately 18 mths for their skull to fully harden. But falling with a thud, head first, is certainly no laughing matter!! Minutes ticked into hours. I didn't dare sleep. After coaxing the little one, I did my chores and was hopin to see the bubbly and even the crying lil pumpkin at the next feed. She woke up several hours later (almost 4hours) for her feed and fell asleep almost immediately. In fact, she was sleeping most of the time which is pretty unusual in my opinion! I am freaked. yet, the hub simply dismissed it as she's tired from all the excitement we had the night before.

Hours turned into's day 2 and she seems bubbly and alert today. Wailed a few times due to hunger, and diaper change. I'm somewhat relieved and would like to believe that she's becoming more attuned to the routine and not cry at the slightest matter. I'd like to attribute it to the praying session she had earlier this week.

May you be surrounded in comfort.
May you be filled with love.
May you relax.
May you be calm.
May you be serene.
May you rest as your body heals in your safe cocoon of comfort, love and strength.
May your body be transformed into one filled with love, happiness, joy and health.