In loving memory

-->

"The world may never notice if a rosebud doesn't bloom

or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon

but every life that ever forms

or ever comes to be

touches the world

in some small way for all eternity

the little one we longed for

was swiftly here and gone

but the love that was then planted

is a light that still shines on

and though our arms are empty

our hearts know what to do

every beating of our heart says

We will remember you."

mother's day will never be the same again

While many others were busy blogging about how wonderful a Mother's day they had, i was in a different realm. It started off a happy day despite being a lil disgruntled that the hubs was in a different timezone. I was beaming with pride and euphoria as the thought of having two wonderful children to celebrate every Mother's Day from now on flooded into my mind. I wasn't in denial or hallucinating. I was really pregnant. Unbeknownst, God had other plans that would shatter it all. On 15.05.2013, Dr Ho announced that Bb B's (a name my daughter affectionately given to her sibling) heart has stopped. My heart fell upon hearing the news. I was in disbelief! How could such a thing be happening to me? I was distraught, devastated and alone. The hub was miles away n when i broke the news to him, he was speechless but picked up the pieces really quickly and consoled me. I called my family and Empress Dowager's first words were "don't you dare cry!" She didn't come to stand by me coz she was more concern about her small puny business, if u can even call that a business. I was shivering in cold. I put on a brave front when facing Dr Ho. I wanted to ask him all i could in my controlled state of sanity. WHY? Chromosonal abnormality was most probably the cause he said. It apparently affects many modern day women and most will not get past 10wks. I was 9. The lil one already had a heartbeat but it was called home to be with the Lord. N dr believed it happened a few days back thus i conclude it was Mother's Day when i caved into temptation by eating my favourite crabs. 

U see, I was a very staunch believer of TCM during my first pregnancy. My physician is extremely strict and I followed his orders. No seafood (poisonous), no meats except pork and occasionally chicken coz the rest are either poisonous or like duck is known to be "cooling". He's basically against meats coz it decays the fastest according to him. Veg -- to avoid melons and kangkong. Oh goodness, these are my favourite, but i listened during my first pregnancy. This time, i decided to go with the western thoughts and that is to take everything in moderation, afterall, as long as it's not raw, it can't kill right? And the sil, has to buy my favourite on this day. initially i said no. The mil asked y n casted me a look that hinted that i'm ridiculous. I replied it's poisonous according to the Chinese dr coz crabs eat decay stuff...her response: poisonous so? Cannot eat ah? Speechless. That was when i took a small claw. Though that wasn't the cause from a scientific perspective, but it has amounted to lots of guilt on my part. Right from the start it hasn't been an easy pregnancy. 

First Trimester: Morning sickness rendered me lethargic and was in no mood to work. Yet i had to push myself. My hormone levels were probably low according to the gynae as i spotted a couple of times. I had to go for jabs twice weekly on top of the Duphaston (taken orally) and crimson (injected vaginally daily). It was exhausting but i was determined to make it work. The tcm dr assured me my body was good and there's nothing to worry about. 3 days later, the bad news dawned.

Empathy from family was not at it's peak but I am thankful for friends. The hub managed to get a flight n departed within 2 hours of receiving my call. After over 20hours of flight, he was finally here. It's strange but i felt more at peace when he is around. I bawled out but regained composure quickly with him by my side. Though deep down i was still bleeding, i was glad that this husband of mine did not fail me and sat through with me for the procedure. Don't forget he is probably still jet lagging. So yes, a loud shoutout to you my dear even though u don't read this space of mine: thank u, i appreciate u! 

The Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C)  procedure was really fast. It refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage). It's a blind procedure, meaning, the gynae does not have a screen to see what's happening in there and it's all base on gut feeling! If the evacuation is not done well, several things can happen:

• Risks associated with anesthesia such as adverse reaction to medication and breathing problems
• Hemorrhage or heavy bleeding
• Infection in the uterus or other pelvic organs
• Perforation or puncture to the uterus
• Laceration or weakening of the cervix
• Scarring of the uterus or cervix, which may require further treatment
• Incomplete procedure which requires another procedure to be performed

Imagine the fear that was instilled in me prior to the operation!! But it was the professional's duty to warn me. I prayed hard that all would go well and it did. Within 45 minutes and i was wheeled back to the ward. It was pretty painless too, probably because many friends kept me in prayers. I was told to expect some bearable cramping and bleeding from a few days to up to 3 weeks.

After the procedure, mum called to say she boiled some soup for me and even though i just had an op, we drove to her place to collect straight after discharge. I told you empathy was lacking right? Over at the in-laws, things weren't any better. Perhaps they are not very conversant people but yet i'd say their way of consolation is much to my liking. In particular, the mil drew a parallel with a relative with a similar experience recently. Was there such a need? Other ppl's loss doesn't justify own loss! She went on to tell me about some friend who gave birth to an autistic child and has painstakingly raised her for years. I really don't think such cases were apt in such a state of emotional distress. Blame it on the lack of EQ or empathy perhaps? I was hoping for more empathy from those two women in my life, afterall, they both went through such a procedure for different reasons. But I was wrong. Upset is such an understatement.

48 hours passed since the op and still no nourishing soup from the mil. What a joke. The hubs insisted i focus on nursing myself to health and was confident his mum would help in every aspect especially cooking, but thankfully i had foresight. I've catered my own confinement food ( whilst waiting for the procedure to be done!) which unfortunately starts only on Tuesday. He instructed the mil to cook nourishing stuff for me and assumed i'll get it everyday. He was wrong. A call back home on Sunday and mil said she was going out thus not cooking. Hub's reply: means Janice has nothing to eat? Surprise Surprise? It seemed that the Mil had plans to head out. I ended up having to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself and my daughter. Everyone says Rest! How i ask, with such support system? It's no wonder the sil often tells me it's best to depend on no one but yrself.

A week has passed since the news of my loss. I'm pretty fine physically but work has to come to a standstill for this and next mth. NO work = no money thus I've gotto be frugal. I'm doing my own confinement by cooking soups and boiling herbs for my bath (yes, that icky herbal bath, else I was instructed by my mom not to bathe, just like during confinement). So there, how again can I rest? In the day, I still have my adorable Baby K to look after. A joy in fact. All my efforts, energy and focus is on her. So much so, sweetie says I'm probably overzealous. I have to keep my mind occupied. I’ve been busy churning out new materials, trying to complete the projects that have been gaining dust. I've been following up on the mountain of chores which I was unable to complete during the past 9wks when I was absolutely lethargic. It felt good that the house is clean once more but once that is done, I'm lost again. 

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.

Milestone -- sentences!

Another milestone had been achieved! ! The lil one pieced together a short sentence when she saw the light on her new shoes going off : light no more! though it isn't grammatically correct,  I think it's so smart of her to piece the few words on her own!  She's been very chatty of late and instead of one word,  she's able to string two together. eg Baby B -- one of her favourites.

I believe girls have a natural ability to master language at a faster pace than boys but giving the lil one the right environment to excel is important too. I speak to her mostly in English while the rest of the family speaks in Mandarin. clearly i m outnumbered thus letting her socialize at English speaking playgroups is also a must! At times when I don't feel like talking (Trust me it is very tiring to talk so much at work n to come home having to talk to a toddler.  breathless!), I switch on the radio.

apart from these,  one of my homeschooling efforts are flashcards.  something which not all will agree but well it makes me feel that at least something is done.  I've been making those cards since she was an infant.  Not an easy task considering there's so many to Flash in a week. My recent efforts have in fact been BLAH,  namely due to work and health reasons.  Hopefully i m able to gain momentum again. lil k on the other hand has been looking forward to these sessions.  She sometimes brings me the cards and instructs me to Flash it to her.  How cute.

It's really quite easy to make those flashcards. I simply print pictures off the net according to themes and stick 'em onto A5 blank cards which I ordered in bulk. The following are themes which I've done:

• Domestic Animals
• Wild Animals
• Sea animals
• Things at home
• Things in the kitchen
• Things in the bedroom
• fruits
• Colours
• Shapes
• Parts of the body
• Family members
• Meals
• Beverages
• Sports
• Vegetables
• Musical Instruments

Gotto get my lazy bones untangled and get my act together again. Haven't been up to things when it comes to educating the lil one. guilty much.  

teaching the letter C

Been feeling under the weather thus the lack of posts. The mountain of work is amazing too. Blame it on the shitty weather and haze. It also made lil bunnikins sick! It's no mean feat to hv a sick toddler. It is making my recovery process arduous. Yes, it's still present tense because i'm still down, but guess what? Life has to go on. Lil bunnikins gave me a fright when she merlion straight after her last feed. The hubs stupidly fed a whopping 180ml merely 1.5h after her dinner! Her usual intake is 120ml. Hopefully it's merely an overdose of milk.

K enough of health issues. Been a little behind with my homeschooling efforts but of late, we've been tackling the letter C.

C IS FOR CHERRY

WHO STOLE MY COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR?

let's talk about sex, Baby!

Before your imagination runs wild, this isn't gonna be a pervertish R-rated post.

Ever since the birth of bunnikins, the hub and i have been obsessed with babies. Everywhere we go, we'd be oogling at other kids and draw parallel to our own! For the record, i've always been pro-kids but the hub and i were simply not ready financially back then. We waited for 5 years before we we tried. Not that we have struck lottery now though. Even now, with inflation on the go, we are gritting our teeth and sacrificing many luxuries. As such, the topic of kids had always been taboo for us and many a times i'm under the impression that perhaps the hub just like life the way it is -- just the two of us. I was sad and sometimes even embarrassed when relatives pop the question of when i'm having a baby! I evade the question with replies like "maybe next year i'll go to the supermarket to buy one?" or "It's God's will" but the divine intervention will only come to those who are willing to accept help. We were using all sorts of protective methods, so what are the chances of conceiving? Fast forward, the heavens was kind enough to bestowed us the most wonderful and beautiful daughter we could ever dream of. It was however, with much effort and several tries before we hit the jackpot. I've always thought that accidents happen all the time (i mean look at how those drama serials depict?), but each time the menses come, disappointment was written all over my face. 

After K was born in 2011, the hub and I finally sees the joy that a lil one can bring to our life. The joys definitely outweighs the financial burden. Ok, who am I kidding? There were times I do wish that I can strike lottery and stay home with the kid instead of slogging my life! It's really shitty to have to pay so much for playgroups and enrichment and soon, preschool!! Anyway, negativity aside, so these days, there had been talks of having more. One more at least. Age is catching up and I certainly wouldn't like to be categorised under the high-risk group. I haven't got much time but yet, such things can't be rushed. Then again, my raging hormones are running amok! These days, it doesn't help when I hear news of people around me getting preggers soon after no. 1. Don't get me wrong, i'm happy for them, but wonder why they make it seem oh-so-easy! I'm a planner and when things don't go according to plan, I get edgy. It's especially difficult to approach the matter since prior to this, lil bunnikins had crazy and shitty sleeping patterns. Waking up every 1-2hours was a norm already a blessing. Right after we are done with our respective chores and work, thinking that we could finally hit the sack and do it, the bub decides to wake up. Hmmmm...not conducive indeed. Then, there were times when we finally found time, and the hub had to fall ill. I'm constantly annoyed with him being ill as this definitely affects the quality of his sperms. Falling ill isn't within control, but if you choose to binge and eat crap and subject yourself under the scorching fiery sun in the name of golf, then naturally you have only but yourself to blame.  Most of you would know that there's only a small window for ovulation, so yeah, I was an angsty wife. To add to things, the hub's job requires him to fly pretty frequently. Our timings are simply not in sync.

Research have shown that upon weaning the baby from breastmilk, one is most fertile. I was hopeful and decided to wean after 13.5months. I waited, and waited and am still waiting. ....Sigh. 

Anywayz, with the advent of Science and technology there are many schools of thoughts on how to increase your chances of conceiving. So if you are in the market for a new addition, perhaps you may wish to read on:

The Shettles Method

This a child conception idea that is reputed to help determine a baby's sex. It was developed by Landrum B. Shettles in the 1960s and was publicized in the book How to Choose the Sex of Your Baby.

According to the theory, male (Y) sperm are faster but more fragile than female (X) sperm. Further, acidic environments harm Y sperm, according to the theory, making conception of a girl more likely.

Timing of Intercourse 

In order to have a boy insemination should occur as close as possible to the moment of ovulation so that the faster, Y-sperm arrive first and achieve conception, according to the theory. When seeking a girl insemination the couple should seek to have sex 2½ to 3 days before ovulation.

Sexual Position

Shallow penetration coupled with the sperm deposited close to the entrance favors female conception because the area is more acidic, which inhibits the weaker Y sperm, according to the theory. To allow the Y sperm to reach the egg first (which supposedly moves at a faster rate), deeper penetration should be sought, to deposit the sperm at the least acidic area near the uterus opening.

Orgasms

Female Orgasm favors male sperm because they make the vaginal environment more alkaline.

My thoughts: Anyone tried and was successful after using this method? It sounds pretty legitimate though it's not proven. Would really love for bunnikins to have a baby brother. The pressure's on me (though technically it's the contributor of the Y chromosome who has the blame) as both sides of the family does not have an internal grandson! apparently all the grandsons have gone to the maternal sides!

Traditional Chinese Medicine

I'm a strong believer of Chinese meds. In fact, prior to having BB k, i sought help from my TCM physician to recalibrate my body. I was constantly plagued with migraines and tried various ways to cure, but to no avail. Finally after seeing him for only 3 months, not only my migraines went away, I was pregnant! Woo hoo! One has to be really determined and disciplined though. I was told to avoid a whole lot of food: Fried stuff (Oh my KFC and all time favourite prawn-paste chicken wings!), Kang kong, seafood, meat except pork, melons, fruits....at the end of the consultation, my question to him was : What then, can I eat? His reply: Rice and hot water. Plenty of hot water! haha. Kidding? Nope. he was darn serious. But of coz this in reality is impossible! I mean my favourite veg is Kang Kong and I would die if you shut me off from crabs...and the MIL boils awesome melon soup and to avoid drinking would equate to not giving her respect! But I did try to abide by the rules. Well, at least 90% of the time. People around met thought i was mad. Even during pregnancy, I avoided heaps and the MIL could not understand why. You see, in the world of TCM, a harmless root like carrot could neutralize the effects of the meds. Kangkong and some other veggies are known to be "cooling" thus not good for the womb as you need to keep it warm to house the fertilized zygote. Meat decomposes fast so it could mess up your tummy. Fruits -- his logic was that there's heaps of pesticides and even if it's organic, we can't be 100% sure. No cold drinks because Singapore' climate is hot and you are forcing your body to be at loggerheads with the weather. as such, problems may arise. It was really tough to play this game and many a times, i craved for an ice cold beer instead of that hot boiled water. Nevertheless I pushed on. After giving birth however, I whacked my seafood like never before and occasionally gave in to a glass of ice cold fruit juice! Guilty pang struck me all the time. 

My thoughts: I don't know if it really aided me to conceive K, but it definitely worked for my migraine, so looks like I'd better get my diet back on track again! URGH

 

Knowing your ovulation (Clear Blue)

To improve the odds of conception, a friend has recommended me the Clear Blue ovulation monitor. The Clearblue Fertility Monitor is the most advanced home method of maximising your chances of getting pregnant.

Research shows that the Clearblue Fertility Monitor increases the chances of conceiving by 89% over the first two cycles of use.

Most home ovulation tests identify the 2 peak fertility days during your cycle by detecting the surge in Luteinising Hormone (LH) that triggers ovulation. The Clearblue Fertility Monitor is unique as it tracks 2 hormones to typically identify up to 6 fertile days – it not only shows you your 2 peak fertility days, it can also inform most women of an extra 1-5 days of high fertility prior to their peak fertility. Since your partner’s sperm can survive in your body for several days, making love on all of these days can lead to conception. 

My thoughts: LOVE LOVE LOVE this gadget! gets rid of all the guess work on when your ovulation day is! however, I've recently tried looking for the sticks and was told it's discontinued!!

Diet

You may be able to improve the chances of conceiving a baby boy by making certain changes to your diet. When more alkaline, the cervical fluid will be more conducive for the sperm that carry the Y chromosomes that are needed to fuse with the eggs to conceive a baby boy. The midwives of olden times emphasized the ability of the diet to affect the gender of the baby.

Foods

*Apples
*Apricots
*Avocado
*Bananas (Ripe)
*Grapefruit
*Grapes
*Lemons
*Lime
*Oranges
*Pears
*Peach
*Pineapples
*Raisins
*Strawberries
*Tomato's
*Watermelon (seedless)

*Potato's
*Celery
*Broccoli
*Garlic
*Green Beans
*Green Peas
*spinach

*Red meat

*Egg whites only

Drinks

*Pineapple juice

*tomato juice

*V8 Juice

*Lemon water- When you drink it it become super alkaline and is great for raising your ph level.

*Green Tea- Helps cm and improves your fertility.

*Baking soda drink (1/2 teaspoon into 1/2 glass a water. Stir to all baking soda is dissolved. Don't do this more then 7 times a day and for no longer then 2 weeks. Af-Ovulation)

*Tips*

Avoid Dairy and calcium. Try to look for foods that are very low in calcium. Dairy and calcium sways for girls.

Add salt to meals.. Helps to raise pH.

Potassium is found in the skin of some fruits and vegetables.

Foods

*Cranberries

*Cheese

*Corn

*Green beans,

*Blue berries

*Plums

*leeks

*Sour cream

*Cream

*yogurt-Organic

* Pasta

*White Rice

*Corn cereal or puffed rice.

*Fish

*Chicken

*eggs whole

* Lamb- loin or chops.

*fermented foods

Drinks

*Milk

*Cranberry juice

*Wine

* Raspberry Herbal Tea- helps lower ph.

*Crystal light- helps lower ph

* Drinks with aspertame in it- not fizzy.

 

The above are obtained from www.justmommies.com. 

My thoughts: So strange that drinking lemon/ lime/ pineapple juice will aid to having an alkaline environment! aren't these stuff super acidic??

 Chinese Gender Calendar

Legend says that the gender chart is more than 700 years old and was discovered in a royal tomb. It predicts your baby's sex based on your Chinese lunar age at the time you got pregnant and the Chinese lunar month in which you conceived.

My thoughts: The strange thing is, I found various variation of the calendar. hmmmm..

Apart from these, of course, one should not smoke/ drink and should keep stress at bay (yah, easier said than done in sunny speedy Singapore!). Good Luck to all of you who are trying!! If you have any tips to share, please drop me a comment! =)

Mozzies Mozzies go away!

The last two weeks had been mad crazy (still is actually). Preparing for my best friend's wedding which involved a whole lot of logistics. She has waited a very long time for this day to come, thus a lot of effort had to be put in. I will blog on this separately.

 

I've lots to say but no time to pen them all. If only there's a blog secretary out there! I must confess that there have been days when I considered giving up on the blog because I feel like I was writing for myself and no one else. But every time I was the verge of throwing in the towel, someone writes to me and I am persuaded to carry on again.

 

Couple of weeks ago, bunnikins didn't sleep well. I thought it was yet another milestone or growth spurt until I got stung by the nasty mozzies. Those pests were on the rampage that week and attacked bunnikins. poor baby was covered with marks. I pride myself for keeping the house clean and apart from placing the electric mosquito repellent from Baygon, I didn't do much. However, such chemical/ electrical stuff doesn't seem such a good idea especially when the lil one is sleeping near it, thus, I went in search for alternatives and below were what I found:

 

Beer Traps

 

Turns out that mosquitoes are attracted to those who drink beer. So, perhaps placing a mug would be a great bait for the pests. There's a catch though. Mosquitoes will still seek you out if you're drinking the stuff. Bottom line.

 

Mouthwash

When diluted with water and spritzed on the skin, this promised to rid of us mosquitoes for a full night. I normally do this and it will work.

 

Chives & garlic

Like garlic, mosquitoes dislike chives. It's making them sound like vampires! Not sure if this would work though. am kind of skeptical

 

Fabric Softener Sheets

It is said that if this were rubbed onto the skin, this method will leave you mosquito bite-free for the evening!! WOW! sounds too good to be true!

 

Dish Soap

A few squirts of dish soap, left in a saucer, did a nice job of keeping mosquitos occupied. This I will try!

 

What other homemade remedies have you got?

Baby you give me strength

Exhaustion. A word synonymous with motherhood. I know a lot of it has to do with my own doing as I exert a lot of pressure on myself...to try to be a jack of all trades and a master of all. To ensure that my house is spick and span at all times. To ensure that I have the perfect figure and the most radiant skin. But guess what? reality bites! 

Life throws curveballs at you all the time but motherhood makes it slightly more manageable. Weird that i'm saying this right? Each time i sink into a murky mix of depression and expectations, I look at bunnikins. Even though she fights her naps and feeding times with a vengeance, it's so surreal to see her sleep each night. That's exactly what happened. earlier today, i arrived home at 10pm only to find bunnikins asleep (surprise much?). It was bliss as the hubs and I could catch up on an episode of drama, during which i dozed off many times on his lap. Happiness. For me at least, coz he's always lamenting that my head weighs a ton. Anyhows, i often make effort to spend together time with the hubs and after bunnikins and him are asleep, then starts my "ME" time. By ME time, i don't mean doing girlish things like manicures and pedicures. I wish. but it's at this hour (past midnight) that I've to catch up on my emails, work and chores. They are endless. To add to the intensity, it's now the tax season! If you at not aware, u have up till 18 April 2013 to file your taxes lest you get haunted down by the authorities. 

So yeah, i wish there's some kind of medicine which could give me super powers to be more productive and alert. To have more energy. And tonight, I realised that i might have found it. I took a peek at the sleeping bunnikins. She was talking in her sleep. Yup, she suddenly let out a "Tuk tuk"! I think she must have been playing with something sharp earlier that evening. I looked at her. Oh how much my baby girl has grown! Despite still being on the petite side, it's really a far cry from when she first entered my life. Revelation that she's my stress reliever and not my stress maker was when I saw her digging her own belly button! The scene was too cute! Yup. She has a penchant for belly buttons. Mine and hers. just not the hub's. I wonder why. The hubs claims it's coz i've flabby tummy whilst his is firm! What a load of utter rubbish! Anywayz, the feeling was so surreal to see bunnikins asleep. Pure magic.. 

Thank you for coming into our lives and complete this family!! We love you oh so much, Bunnikins!

Bunnikins, you are my happiness, my world, my apple, my life. You give me strength to carry on. It's coz of you I'm pressing on and conquering greater heights! Love ya!

Linking up with