Major Meltdown.

Many people would adore their moms. Not me. Since young, we've never had the best relationship. She drove (still drives) me up the wall by screaming at the top of her voice such that every neighbour (upstairs or downstairs) would know us as the notorious pair. Very often, I felt ashamed as a kid. When I got older, things did not improve. She thinks I'm a social butterfly by staying out late at night and locked me out several times. Granted, she's concern of my safety but you know how those project datelines at university can keep you up till the wee hours right? She throws sissy fits when me or dad call in at the last minute saying that we can't come home for dinner. When i confided in Dad, his reply was: Sorry darling, you and her are connected by blood. Me and her only by paper. Good luck. Yup. their marriage is often on the rocks. It is true that it takes two hands to clap but honestly, the Empress Dowager should really reflect.

Anyhowz, something rather touching happened the day after my birthday. The Empress dropped me a text asking if I wanted her to send Lil K home straight after school, feed her and make her sleep instead of going over to the in-laws since her Highness didn't have work that day. OF COZ I WOULD LOVE THAT! And this couldn't be more timely coz my friends and I were intending to celebrate my belated birthday. It was a really great offer as I was just lamenting to my friends that I have a curfew to meet should the MIL be the one looking after Lil K. These days, the hub has been travelling oh so frequent (5 trips since Chinese New Year) that every day after work, it's straight home. Not that I would like to wander around at 9pm, but that meant driving like a mad F1 racer and not being even to pack a decent dinner for myself. Dinner is often at 11pm after I've put the little one to sleep and give myself a good shower. Yup. No one really bothers whether I have eaten or not. Gaining sympathy on FB by posting my instant noodle photos at 11pm doesn't make things better either. I have been feeling so unloved. No good soup from anyone. A far cry from when I had Lil K. Even when I was very ill, no one fussed over me. I was all alone i feel. Until this message from the Empress. Touched me to tears. I got so emo i cried all the way home whilst driving. It's been hell long since I had a good sit down dinner with friends without the need to rush home. I feel jaded. Not coz i don't like taking care of my child, but seriously, I need a breather too. Especially since there's more to come in the next couple of months. It's so easy for the Daddy to simply pack and fly and occasionally drop me a watsapp message to say he misses us all. But that's not enough. This birthday, there were wishes from him, but no presents. This Vday, he arrived back in Sg in the morning only to go to Japan at midnight. Meanwhile, life went on n we had dinner with his family as it was also the 15th day of the lunar new year. It's not that I'm so into such commercial celebrations. Honestly i believe that everyday can be Valentine's day if we treasure and show appreciation. But I feel that lacking at times. When he is home, he's either on his phone playing some game which he claims is highly intellectual (but to me it's somekind of tamagochi), or he'll be out with his friends having tea. Something which I can't do as and when I like. Honestly, it's not that I need or want to be out at unearthly hours...trust me, i'm past that stage. I only need some time for myself. A facial, a pedicure or simply zoning out. 

I'm tired. really tired. Jaded. Really jaded. Drained. Flat. Knackered. Everyday, I'll be getting the lil one ready for school. Prior to that, I'll have to ensure there's lunch and entertainment for her. By entertainment I don't simply mean ipads or dvds -- all of which I don't advocate unless i'm really desperate. I've shared this aspect with the hubs and his reply is that I'm simply obsessed. How can I not be? Occupational hazard i think not. It's more to keep my sanity. Seeing the lil one engage in the activity i've panned out for her makes me happy and it's really a form of achievement. She is kept entertained for a bit and I, on the others hand can get some chores done. Am very encouraged but these days, with a bun in the oven, something simple which could take just 5 minutes for an ordinary person would take me half an hour. And with time not on my end, I'm trying deliriously to think of what are the ways to stock up on entertainment for Lil K when the time comes. I told myself, I must not let her feel neglected. 

A matter of managing expectations i think. And today, i did not do it all that well. Empress Dowager was here as  usual on a Monday. I expected her to feed, bathe and get Lil K ready by a certain time without me breathing down her neck and babysitting them. A simple task like bathing and she needs me to "escort" lil K into the toilet else. She refuses to go in coz she simply dislikes her Ah Ma...to after-bath when mom realized she did not prepare all of Lil K's oils and powder etc and will be lamenting on how bad a mommy I am coz I didn't prepare it for her. Genius. Pure genius. And I ended up being a mother and a servant to them all at once. And I probably expected too much from the hubs. He just touched down that very morning. Probably very jet lag. It's his off day and normally it's me who sends Lil K to school anyway. So he probably thinks having lunch with friends is legit...though i would very much love for him to dine with us, afterall, we haven't had a meal together as a family for weeks. Maybe i expected too much from a man coz afterall, men will always put themselves before others as oppose to women. Or so I feel. In the end, I simply broke down in the toilet. It was 1145am. Lil K hasn't showered and we haven't taken our lunch. We have a schedule to run everyday and that was to leave home by 1230/1245pm max. This day, I know I'm screwed. Lighten up you say? How? When I know I've to move at my daughter's pace? She's all princessy when it comes to getting ready. Slow and steady you say? But, I've to rush off to work the moment I drop her off. Relax, you say? It's fine to be late for work right? Not quite, coz that would mean I'll end work much later and have to head home at breakneck speed, often without dinner, to tuck Lil K into bed coz apparently, the MIL has been complaining that K refuses to be put to bed by her now and would cry or talk incessantly or insist on going downstairs to "wait for mama". She used to be doing such a great job with K until much recently when I've been getting bad vibes. With such instances, how can I not be an F1 driver? With all this influx of emotions, I couldn't handle and a lone tear slipped from my eyes unguarded. This escalated to more tears. I cupped my face in my hands but i was unable to hide the woebegone expression that had invaded me.  My spirits was really at an all-time low. All the bottled up feelings gushed out all at once. Yet, when the hubs asked me what's happening, the words lingered at the tip of my tongue but I failed to verbalise it. Shortly, he probably managed to piece some of my incoherent words together and figured he needed to take some initiative by rushing Empress Dowager (who was oblivious to the time) and feeding Lil K before he headed off for impromptu lunch with friends. I felt a little more comforted but yet, why do I have to voice out my discontentment through such measures? Why can't these people have some sense of urgency or initiation?

All these are certainly unhealthy. It's causing me insomnia too. I need to learn to manage such meltdowns and somehow the emotional hormones are raging furiously these days.  It's tough but tougher times are ahead I'm sure.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

Eleanor Roosevelt