I’m in the twilight zone – my days and nights have fused into one giant ball of sleeplessness.
Days like these, I get through each day by reminding myself to be thankful. And not just a perfunctory “ok, let’s be thankful” but to spend time focusing on all the things I’ve got to be grateful for.
If we are not nursing, I am trying my darnest to get her to nap. That can take hell long, during which she can be screaming for me to carry. I could be walking in circles, rocking, soothing, singing, patting. And when she finally caves and falls asleep, I heave a sigh of relief and go settle my basic human needs like PEE or SHOWER or EAT. Just when you thought you can have a wee bit of a breather, the little monster wakes up coz she's a shitty sleeper!
The highs are rewarding and exhilarating but the lows are debilitating and painful.
Growth spurts seem to come every 2 or 3 wks. Just when we thought we got into the momentum of stuff, WHAM! we are back on that roller coaster ride all over again. night time is a battle for us. At least for me. Putting her to bed is such a struggle and she'll often wake up in fright every half an hour! There can never be any couple or me time. Then, every 3 hours later, she'll scream herself awake again and the only way to soothe was to rock or nurse. What is Daddy Liew doing all this while? SNORING! Well to be fair, he tried but the baby rejected him at night. I guess i'm resigned to this wonderful fate called motherhood -- a bittersweet experience.
Your naps are seriously shitty too. And though you get away with it through your gummy grins, it still tires me to no end when you wave your arms and legs so enthusiastically when you are supposed to be napping.
Babies who eat solids (and/or formula, for that matter) are NOT BETTER SLEEPERS! Also, the idea that babies’ appetites for milk increase as they grow is hogwash.
Honestly, it irks the shit out of me when well-meaning grandparents or friends try to run our lives. Telling us that our milk is getting stale or that baby isn't growing as much as they'd like to thus we'd have to switch to formula or that it's gona be hell to quit the habit of latching the longer we drag. UTTER RUBBISH! What makes it worse is the lack of appreciation and respect towards me, the mother of their precious granddaughter. They complain about K’s lack of sleep in the day and terrible intake of milk (again, personal attack on the quality and smell of the milk is being made) – have they not realized that this was what I had to deal with, on my own, for 3 months?
Being the sole caregiver of a wakeful baby is not easy and I was battling depression, sleep deprivation and a sudden loss of self. When your days and nights revolve around a little being, it can feel awfully claustrophobic.
I entertained notions of becoming a SAHM, but HOW?
This feisty little girl is one with her own little personality. I just hope it gets better. I know it will =)
