Life is like drawing without an eraser

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Life seems like drawing without an eraser. What's been done cannot be undone and vice versa. It wasn't a pleasant day yesterday morning. Bickered over certain matters and I expressed a blatant display of sadness. Am I not entitled to it? I used to be able to say:
You are my life
You are my faith
You give me hope everyday

ok that sounds cliche, like some lyrics off my mind. Anyway, yesterday, the vicious cycle was back and I could not suppress my emotions. The future is unpredictable just as how we are now. Live for today and not plan for tomorrow is his resolution. Throughout the whole process, I observed a lot, though he beg to defer. In his eyes, I'm just a childish unreasonable bitch whilst he, I quote: "have so many alternatives" and have been giving up a whole lot and I'm taking things for granted. Am I a hindrance? I really wonder who's taking who for granted. Perhaps denial is playing punk. However, close friends assured that I'm doing alright. It's a different ball game altogether now that we are married, but he doesn't realise. To give him credit, I'm definitely one factor in the things he undertake. However, mostly, he'd be indulging in life's luxury and lead a life of individualism. How else would u explain that he left without a word and not eat the $6 porridge I cooked! Each time I try to reason it out, I'd be on the verge of absolute insanity, often losing the battle coz of my weak soul. Thus I choose not ignore. He treats the house like a hotel, come and go as he wish. As for me, perhpas I'm just a toy. Play when u are bored, send to the museum when u are done. I have an irrational fear creeping up on me each day. Somehow I live in oblivion and hope that all this nonsense will just dissipate into thin air. I don't wana end up being like filled with angst over her relationship and be engulfed by overwhelming frustration each day. I'd like to think that I'm at least more rational than her, else I would not have survived till today. Relationships must endure the test of time. After more than 10 yrs, I think the test is quite enough. I don't know how long I'm able to survive this game. I devote my time to working hard, earning my greens, for fear that the future is shaky, and whenever there's pockets of time, I'd sacrifice other things in lieu of him. I feel so weak at times and wish someone can hold my hand. More TLC without feeling a sense of grudge perhaps? More consideration without feeling sore? Even my students show more concern for little details in my life. Not your nature u say? then LEARN. stop being so resilient and think that the world is only about u. Seeked F's advice last night....sat by Seletar dam enjoying the rejuvenating breeze which failed at clearing my thoughts. Saw a shooting star but was too late in making a wish. F could give me no concrete advice coz he said he will never say/ do such things to his love one. Pehaps expectation breeds disappointment and unneccssary heartbreak could have been avoided by being stronger. Yes. Stronger. that's probably what I need to do (as if i'm not strong enough..I'm woman afterall...what's wrong with yearning for attn, pampering, respect and love?).

I have an impulse to run away from it all. Talk will lead to nowhere. I'll ultimately give in to emotional persuasion. Take a step back and breathe. That's probably the best thing to do for now.