Separation Anxiety

Friday, January 27, 2012

Will be going back to the grind in a wk's time and am agonising over leaving lil bub behind. I believe lil pumpkin will be left in good hands whilst i'm at work, but guilt and separation anxiety pangs are hitting in fast and furious.

Many a times, people see that i'm in an enviable position of being to work at my own pace but i still put in full-time hours (if not more) with a little flexibility thrown in. Am in the midst of setting my schedule straight but "clients" are always demanding and it's always about they, themselves and them. It's a losing battle when it comes to creating the perfect schedule. In fact, despite letting go of 4 assignments, I'm still stuck with a monday-saturday work week with each day ending at an average of 930pm. Hopefully i can be home on time for lil pumpkin's last feed and pat her to sleep. That is if she keeps up with the routine.

10 weeks and counting

Saturday, January 14, 2012

It's been a while since I've blogged and the dust bunnies are beginning to settle. You can't blame me...I've been living, sleeping breathing, thinking of nothing else but the lil bub. All I want to do everyday is to survive till nightfall, when I could perhaps lay back and breathe before a new day ambush me. I look downright disheveled.

Anyhow, quick photo update on progress:

I made a big boo boo. Was in too much of a hurry whilst clipping her nails and look what happened! I was frantic as I was alone at home with no baby band-aid. I applied pressure on her little finger but the blood kept oozing profusely. My heart bled and I was unspeakably guilty. After consulting some experienced mommy, i came to realise that it's actually a common thing! haha and that babies are like wolverines, thus their skin will heal in no time. Just air dry it, no plaster needed.

At 4wks, she's 5.1kg and time to upgrade. From a 3-room flat to a condominium and she seems to like it a whole lot!

You got to adore the pictures! I'm simply enveloped in the warmth of love. Looking back, I'm thankful for the unbridled blessings

I'm so happy that both the hub and I were able to witness certain milestones. The above was achieved on 27 January! Jia you lil pumpkin! soon you'd be crawling and creating havoc!

Wearing many hats

It's tough enough being a i'm a mother, a cow, a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a maid and a wife. Rather than becoming overwhelmed and letting chaos reign, it's the cummulative effect of several small steps int he right direction and I think I'm adjusting slowly. It's really quite a struggle to balance the ever-growing to-do-list. No matter how small the item may be eg giving the grandma a call, I have to try to squeeze time for it. The difficulties I face as a new mother caught me off guard. I had looked forward to motherhood and assumed that caring for the baby would happen naturally. Instead, I found that I had no clue. It doesn't help that the hub is constantly travelling...being away for two weeks prior to the Lunar New Year was certainly no joke. Spring cleaning thankfully started early for me, else the dust bunnies on my blog would be passed on to my home. I tend to be an all-or-nothing type of cleaner/ organiser, thus when it comes to spring cleaning, I give myself the added stress. When the hub finally came home for a day in between trips, he had to fall ill! There went my hopes of him helping to take care of lil pumpkin while i catch up on forty winks.

I know that I should not entertain lil pumpkin's every waking moment as that would be really taxing. But trust me, you wouldn't want a wailing child as an accompaniment whilst doing those chores. Thus, I resorted to doing the laundry at 5am and cooking my lunch at 10am. Whenever there's pockets of free time (usually only for 15mins), I would try to do something productive. After spending my last ounce of energy attending to my baby, she would then sometimes cry for no discernible reason, and it puts me over the edge.

However, after 2+months of training, I would say that we have established quite a bit of understanding. I try talking to her quite a bit and she seems to understand that mommy has to bathe, eat and shit. It works sometimes. Her bedtime routine is also more or less fixed, with the fussiness setting in at around 8 - 10pm and dozing off to sleep by 11+pm. That to me is a bonus. Thereafter, she'll wake up at 4am but there were occasions where she woke up at 6am! WOOHOO! At times, I would be the one waking up before her, wondering what's happening? I guess my clock has now been adjusted. These days, mostly, I yearn for more sleep, but would often wake up at dawn with rock hard boobies. Then, Dilemma would strike -- To pump or not to pump, that is the question. You see, very often, shortly after pumping, lil pumpkin seems to sense it and would wake up for her feed! Despite knowing that there's always a constant supply, how can the supply be great right after pumping?

To boost supply, apart from the "holy" fenugreek which everyone swears by it (But i've yet to try), I turn to the kitchen and treating myself well with home cook food. If you recall, I really enjoy cooking, but with the lil one on board, fixing up a simple meal sometimes seems very elaborate and arduous. Below are some of the food I've been pampering myself with:

To minimise the guilt of eating instant noodles, I added fish (生鱼)and egg. Hey, give the woman a break ya, I haven't had instant noodles for eons.

Somehow, I feel that I hadn't had much soup during my confinement and the Chinese believe that confinement should actually be 40days instead of the usual 30 days. My rationale is, just nourish oneself once in a while! the body isn't only gonna absorb during those 40 or 30 days! The hub also benefitted. TCM physician said his body is "cooling" thus would need to take more "confinement" food to "heat" up the body. Thus whatever i drink, I'd give him a bowl.

A rare sight-- 3 dishes and a soup!

Mostly, in the afternoons, I'll just have a fish/ meat and rice. It can get a little bland and boring, thus I try to tweak the recipe at times. The above is pan seared salmon with crispy ginger bits.

Another simple fare

They say you'll have to constantly latch and religiously pump in order to up your supply, so even if it means sacrificing my sleep at 5am, I'll do it. Typically I do it once at that hour when my supply is peak. To date, I'm consistently getting approximately 180-200ml from the better boobie and 90ml from the not so good boobie. A vast difference!

Mom has been pretty helpful, getting me groceries every monday. However, each time she does that, she'd complain that food is expensive. This, despite the fact that I give her additional $ for the food she buys. To top it off, she gets $ from my dad as well. talk about being shrewd. That's Empress Dowager for you.
This was one of the more "elaborate" meals I've whipped up. Preparing and frying the pork chops took a while thus it was really quite an achievement when I manage to savour the fruits of my labour!

530am: Attended to baby's feed
6am: Pat baby to sleep again and got ready to head to the wet market
640am: arrived at the wet market
7am: done with marketing and spent almost $100
720am: bought breakfast for the hub and I at another venue
8am: Arrived home to the above scene (sooo sweet)
830am: was done with washing and packing up the raw produce
840am: decided to pump my rocks since lil bub was sleeping soundly
9am: Thought I could finally take a breather and rest
915am: lil pumpkin decided to wake up for her feed. *YAWN*

Parenthood is a big thing. Make that a big and often lonely thing. Most days, I could sure do with a big dollop of encouragement and inspiration to keep going.

Hello 2012!

Monday, January 2, 2012

It was a traumatic start to 2012 and blame it on the hub. I am still so not over it. Visions of what happened keep playing like a movie reel. The incident totally manifests the hub's lack of responsibility, patience and BRAINS! See, what happened was, seeing that I was tired after our new year eve's party, the hub offered to feed lil pumpkin. After much persuasion, I relented, thinking that it'd be a good chance for father and daughter to bond at an unearthly hour. Usually, I would rather latch on as it's really quite a hassle to heat up the EBM and wash up eventually. Anyhowz, he had to be woken up by me when the lil one cried. Yes, selective listening has hit once more. I was initially in a semi-conscious mode when lil bub was crying for milk but soon drifted back to sleep when all sounded peaceful. That was 5am. By 9+am, I suddenly heard a really loud wail (nope, i don't think i missed the little whimpers...i'm usually very sensitive and would jump out of bed). Upon hearing the cries for help, i immediately shot to lil bub and was appalled to see her slipping to the edge of her bouncer, head nearing the metal piece and before I could reach her, she toppled off and landed, head first, with a thud on the hard tiled ground!!!!!! She screamed. Naturally. and I screamed too for I couldn't believe what the hub had done!!! What was he thinking, not strapping the little one to the bouncer?! In the first place, WHY WAS SHE EVEN ON THE BOUNCER!!!!! she should be in the cot when she's sleeping at night! that had been the routine i've been trying to establish. The hub dashed out only to explain that it was coz lil pumpkin didnt want to sleep thus he left her on the bouncer n went to sleep!! WTF! I was hell mad n instead of staying by our side during that all crucial moment, he touched the lil bub's head for a moment and went back to sleep!!! Double WTF! Lesson learnt: Trust no one except yourself when it comes to taking care of your lil one. Not even the hub! Men. They think they are oh so strong, but in reality, it's the women who are the stronger ones!

Till now, I am tremendously worried. Will there b any side effects? Fellow mommies have offered advice and most say that babies falling off is a very normal situation and as long as there's not unusual behaviour, vomitting, drowsiness, things should be fine! SHOULD. How would I know if there's anything hidden? In fact, the dr will not be able to detect it that soon either. No xray can be given to a child this young. True, she might not have fractured her skull given that they are at an age where their body parts are flexible. It takes approximately 18 mths for their skull to fully harden. But falling with a thud, head first, is certainly no laughing matter!! Minutes ticked into hours. I didn't dare sleep. After coaxing the little one, I did my chores and was hopin to see the bubbly and even the crying lil pumpkin at the next feed. She woke up several hours later (almost 4hours) for her feed and fell asleep almost immediately. In fact, she was sleeping most of the time which is pretty unusual in my opinion! I am freaked. yet, the hub simply dismissed it as she's tired from all the excitement we had the night before.

Hours turned into's day 2 and she seems bubbly and alert today. Wailed a few times due to hunger, and diaper change. I'm somewhat relieved and would like to believe that she's becoming more attuned to the routine and not cry at the slightest matter. I'd like to attribute it to the praying session she had earlier this week.

May you be surrounded in comfort.
May you be filled with love.
May you relax.
May you be calm.
May you be serene.
May you rest as your body heals in your safe cocoon of comfort, love and strength.
May your body be transformed into one filled with love, happiness, joy and health.