mother's day will never be the same again

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

While many others were busy blogging about how wonderful a Mother's day they had, i was in a different realm. It started off a happy day despite being a lil disgruntled that the hubs was in a different timezone. I was beaming with pride and euphoria as the thought of having two wonderful children to celebrate every Mother's Day from now on flooded into my mind. I wasn't in denial or hallucinating. I was really pregnant. Unbeknownst, God had other plans that would shatter it all. On 15.05.2013, Dr Ho announced that Bb B's (a name my daughter affectionately given to her sibling) heart has stopped. My heart fell upon hearing the news. I was in disbelief! How could such a thing be happening to me? I was distraught, devastated and alone. The hub was miles away n when i broke the news to him, he was speechless but picked up the pieces really quickly and consoled me. I called my family and Empress Dowager's first words were "don't you dare cry!" She didn't come to stand by me coz she was more concern about her small puny business, if u can even call that a business. I was shivering in cold. I put on a brave front when facing Dr Ho. I wanted to ask him all i could in my controlled state of sanity. WHY? Chromosonal abnormality was most probably the cause he said. It apparently affects many modern day women and most will not get past 10wks. I was 9. The lil one already had a heartbeat but it was called home to be with the Lord. N dr believed it happened a few days back thus i conclude it was Mother's Day when i caved into temptation by eating my favourite crabs. 

U see, I was a very staunch believer of TCM during my first pregnancy. My physician is extremely strict and I followed his orders. No seafood (poisonous), no meats except pork and occasionally chicken coz the rest are either poisonous or like duck is known to be "cooling". He's basically against meats coz it decays the fastest according to him. Veg -- to avoid melons and kangkong. Oh goodness, these are my favourite, but i listened during my first pregnancy. This time, i decided to go with the western thoughts and that is to take everything in moderation, afterall, as long as it's not raw, it can't kill right? And the sil, has to buy my favourite on this day. initially i said no. The mil asked y n casted me a look that hinted that i'm ridiculous. I replied it's poisonous according to the Chinese dr coz crabs eat decay stuff...her response: poisonous so? Cannot eat ah? Speechless. That was when i took a small claw. Though that wasn't the cause from a scientific perspective, but it has amounted to lots of guilt on my part. Right from the start it hasn't been an easy pregnancy. 

First Trimester: Morning sickness rendered me lethargic and was in no mood to work. Yet i had to push myself. My hormone levels were probably low according to the gynae as i spotted a couple of times. I had to go for jabs twice weekly on top of the Duphaston (taken orally) and crimson (injected vaginally daily). It was exhausting but i was determined to make it work. The tcm dr assured me my body was good and there's nothing to worry about. 3 days later, the bad news dawned.

Empathy from family was not at it's peak but I am thankful for friends. The hub managed to get a flight n departed within 2 hours of receiving my call. After over 20hours of flight, he was finally here. It's strange but i felt more at peace when he is around. I bawled out but regained composure quickly with him by my side. Though deep down i was still bleeding, i was glad that this husband of mine did not fail me and sat through with me for the procedure. Don't forget he is probably still jet lagging. So yes, a loud shoutout to you my dear even though u don't read this space of mine: thank u, i appreciate u! 

The Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C)  procedure was really fast. It refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage). It's a blind procedure, meaning, the gynae does not have a screen to see what's happening in there and it's all base on gut feeling! If the evacuation is not done well, several things can happen:
  • Risks associated with anesthesia such as adverse reaction to medication and breathing problems
  • Hemorrhage or heavy bleeding
  • Infection in the uterus or other pelvic organs
  • Perforation or puncture to the uterus
  • Laceration or weakening of the cervix
  • Scarring of the uterus or cervix, which may require further treatment
  • Incomplete procedure which requires another procedure to be performed
Imagine the fear that was instilled in me prior to the operation!! But it was the professional's duty to warn me. I prayed hard that all would go well and it did. Within 45 minutes and i was wheeled back to the ward. It was pretty painless too, probably because many friends kept me in prayers. I was told to expect some bearable cramping and bleeding from a few days to up to 3 weeks.

After the procedure, mum called to say she boiled some soup for me and even though i just had an op, we drove to her place to collect straight after discharge. I told you empathy was lacking right? Over at the in-laws, things weren't any better. Perhaps they are not very conversant people but yet i'd say their way of consolation is much to my liking. In particular, the mil drew a parallel with a relative with a similar experience recently. Was there such a need? Other ppl's loss doesn't justify own loss! She went on to tell me about some friend who gave birth to an autistic child and has painstakingly raised her for years. I really don't think such cases were apt in such a state of emotional distress. Blame it on the lack of EQ or empathy perhaps? I was hoping for more empathy from those two women in my life, afterall, they both went through such a procedure for different reasons. But I was wrong. Upset is such an understatement.

48 hours passed since the op and still no nourishing soup from the mil. What a joke. The hubs insisted i focus on nursing myself to health and was confident his mum would help in every aspect especially cooking, but thankfully i had foresight. I've catered my own confinement food ( whilst waiting for the procedure to be done!) which unfortunately starts only on Tuesday. He instructed the mil to cook nourishing stuff for me and assumed i'll get it everyday. He was wrong. A call back home on Sunday and mil said she was going out thus not cooking. Hub's reply: means Janice has nothing to eat? Surprise Surprise? It seemed that the Mil had plans to head out. I ended up having to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself and my daughter. Everyone says Rest! How i ask, with such support system? It's no wonder the sil often tells me it's best to depend on no one but yrself.

A week has passed since the news of my loss. I'm pretty fine physically but work has to come to a standstill for this and next mth. NO work = no money thus I've gotto be frugal. I'm doing my own confinement by cooking soups and boiling herbs for my bath (yes, that icky herbal bath, else I was instructed by my mom not to bathe, just like during confinement). So there, how again can I rest? In the day, I still have my adorable Baby K to look after. A joy in fact. All my efforts, energy and focus is on her. So much so, sweetie says I'm probably overzealous. I have to keep my mind occupied. I’ve been busy churning out new materials, trying to complete the projects that have been gaining dust. I've been following up on the mountain of chores which I was unable to complete during the past 9wks when I was absolutely lethargic. It felt good that the house is clean once more but once that is done, I'm lost again. 

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.


  1. Be strong. And I know you are, for the ones who loves and cares for you. Many many hugs sending your way.

    1. Gritting my teeth to be strong. Mustn't fail those who love me and most importantly I must love myself. Thanks for your hugs!

  2. SO sorry to hear about that. Take good care ya!

  3. Dear Janice, I can understand where you came from. I had 2 miscarriages. One at 10 weeks and the other a mere 2. Both times, I was alone at the gynae for the op under GA. One time, I went home all by myself even though I was still groggy from GA. My parents and in laws were not aware of the 2nd one and I never had proper rest nor "confinement food" to keep myself nourished. So hang in there, sometimes, better to rely on self than expect others to take care of your well being. Be strong ok? *hugs*

    1. Oh Adeline!! thanks for sharing! suddenly i feel i'm really not alone and not so "ke lian" afterall. I'm not wallowing in my sadness but yet i can't help feeling sad at times. Wish things don't have to be that tough. What was the reason for both your miscarriages might I ask? was it before or after before your two kids? If it's inappropriate for me to ask, it's fine for u not to answer...but reason for my asking is so I can see hope in being fertile soon again! the future is so uncertain n i'm so lost.

  4. I am sorry for your lost. (hugs)

  5. Hi Janice, really sorry to hear this. I can feel you and I was tearing reading this, as I also went through this last Nov.
    You have to be strong and nurse yourself back to health. Do not blame yourself for this. Focus on yourself and Baby K. Time will heal this. Hugs.

    1. thanks for sharing Cheryl. What was the reason for yours if i might ask? I'm trying to be hopeful abt having another shot at it, but the confidence level is just so low.

    2. My gynae never really went into the details but stressed that it has nothing to do with what I did, ate and all. Don't give up hope! After D& C many women get pregnant soon but only when you're ready and nurse yourself well first.

  6. Hi, a friend of ours went through twice (sorry I'm not too sure if the term should be called stillbirth or not, as her baby was delivered at 5+ months but couldn't be saved). Her gynae sited urinary bacterial infection.

    1. Hi Peishan, Thx for sharing. Yeah, gynae said if it's within first tri, most likely it's chromosonal abnormality though i keep asking myself if it's the food i've eating or the things i've done. I tend to be a tad superstitious when things go wrong. But after first tri, there could be a whole lot of reasons. Not sure if these reasons are conclusive coz in general, these gynaes don't do a fetal tissue test, so it's all guesswork.

    2. I see. Yeah, don't give up! No matter what, you still have a loving family. (: