A melancholic start to 2016

I have been meaning to jot down my thoughts about 2015. That didn't happen. I was busy solo parenting since 11 December 2015 till over the New Year. The hubs came back for a week there after but is jetsetting again as I type. I have been meaning to jot down my resolutions for 2016. That didn't happen either. Ok, I'm not great at keeping them anyway. The reason is legit -- The kids fell ill right after Christmas and I myself collapsed on New Year's day itself. What a way to start the year eh?

So here I am, finally, trying to pen something down before the month is over and Chinese New Year makes its entrance. It hadn't been an easy 2015. We moved twice in a short span of 4 months and anyone who has moved before would know how torturous it is. To date, I'm still decluttering! To add oil to fuel, my parents had their big shift too. And after staying at a place for 20 years, you can imagine the massive amount of things they have amassed. Me, being their only child, had to help with everything, needless to say. The entire ordeal was painful for us all because Dad, who is very house proud was reluctant to sell his place. For over two years, from me being pregnant with Small K till Small K being almost 20 months old, I was involved in handling his housing matters. Dad used to work as a manager and he is used to ordering people around instead of doing things himself. To make matters worse, his dictative nature resulted i him having very few friends (if any at all) and even his siblings shun him. So the hubs and I had to help him with the documents and renovation. I was thankful that the hubs was very hands-on and patient with Dad. Between taking care of my kids, unpacking and packing, and the daily grindings of life, I really didn't have much patience for the old man. Empress Dowager wasn't easy either. She refused to sell after Dad was ready to accept an offer as she was worried that her health couldn't take the stress of the move. Yup, she would rather forsake a million-dollar deal. Long story short, I threw an ultimatum at them and things went through. Now, they have settled down in their new place. 

Moving into the new year, I thought that things should get a tad better. After all, what could go wrong? But dark clouds had to continue to loom over me. Everything went awry! The hubs surprised me with a new handphone specially couriered to me. Sadly, the screen cracked on the first day of use. No wait, I didn't even get to use! Then, the whole family fell prey to a nasty virus. Solo parenting with 2 young toddlers and living in a small place with 6 other people really didn't help. The virus kept circulating. Just when the source finally got well, and I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, Small K developed a high fever overnight. He puked in the middle of the night on several occasions and at one point of time, i was changing the sheets twice in a night! I am now in fact, nursing my second round of bad throat and I haven't even started feasting on CNY goodies! At this point, I am terribly lacking in sleep, time and patience. 

Career wise, things haven't been going all too smoothly too. I have made a choice to cut things down a little in order to manage logistics for my kids in a better fashion. With the hubs always travelling, I can no longer do late nights as by the time I knock off and pick the kids, it would probably be 10+pm! With my current pool of clients, I would still be able to survive fairly decently. However, Lady Luck decided to play a cruel joke on me and several clients fell ill. This affected my income. It really doesn't help coz I am someone who shop a lot when I get stressed. With the advent of the Internet, shopping is really just a click away! 

I am really trying to move on to the next best thing and busy myself with stuff as that probably is the best thing to do in order to sieve out negative thoughts. However, fear has to crept back into my life. You see, 6 months ago, I did a pap smear. The result was not very favourable. Some kind of atypical cell was detected and i was categorised as a Class 2. Sounds scary right? Frightening thoughts raced through my mind. I googled heaps as all the nurse told me was to be back for a second assessment 6months later. I completely forgotten about it as I was too busy with life and plus Mr Google told me that it could be nothing and there was really nothing I could do about it. Today, as I stepped into the clinic, cold chills ran down my spine and my heart palpitated crazily. The gynae said that he was going to have me tested for cervical cancer. Wasn't I vaccinated?? Apparently, according to him, the vaccine only covers 70% so let's hope I'm within that 70% eh? I was a wreck the entire day; a bundle of nerves. This feeling of fear will continue to engulf me for a week till I get the test results. Meanwhile, life had to go on. I had to manage the situation and continue with work and together with Empress Dowager, visit my grandfather who suffered a transient stroke on Saturday. I had to represent my parents and do most of the visiting coz, well, Dad has serious bad blood with his Pops. Now if you have read my blog enough, you might have gotten the drift that Empress Dowager and I don't have the best relationship in the world. And she really tested my limits today. I confided in her about my fears for my health and the reply I gotten from her was that she was in a far worse situation the last two months coz she was worried that her Thyroid condition would recur. I told her that thyroid can be cured but she had to be on the winning side by saying that it would require a lot of money and lots of medicine to be taken. HUH! A wave of futile rage swept over me. Seriously why do I even bother talking to her?

With a heavy and bated breath, I really hope that things will see a turn. For one, I hope that everyone's health will be good this year. Am trying to make things a little simpler and minimalistic this year (haha, ok, go ahead, laugh at me!) So here are my resolutions for the year:

1. FOCUS! This applies to anything and everything!
2. Have more work-life balance. Be it with the family or socially. Life has been rather sad on the social front as the hub travels a lot and I haven't got much help in the evenings. Hence the onus of taking care of the kids falls on me. I am not expecting much honestly but it would be really nice if I get to go out and let my hair down once a month?
3. To celebrate little victories everyday. Shit happens on a daily basis and I will still rant but I will think more positively and appreciate the little things in life. 

photo credit: Pinterest