Me time, rest time, all the time

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I've been ill for the longest time.  4 weeks now to be exact! Never have i been so ill before. It started with Big K having the fever,  the running nose and cough. Waking up to her nightly cries put my body in toll. During this period, the hubs was not around. How convenient yet again. Then the mil fell ill, followed by the hubs and now finally the boy and i caved in. My nose has been drippy and I've been nasal. The boy's nose has also been running and he's been having phlegmy coughs which rendered his naps n sleeps shitty! At times he was inconsolable.  Who was I kidding? 100% of the time his mood was terrible due to the immense amount of phlegm which came from from nowhere. Must be because I planted too many kisses on his cheeks! No amount of hugs,  rocks,  kisses or latching could calm him down. I can totally empathise.  I'm in such a foul mood too that every little thing can ignite the fire. Eg. Just the other day,  2 acquaintances kept texting me saying i need a maid. Geez guys, u r rich,  what do you know? ! Granted my rationale for not having one is coz i feel we r really coping alright. The hub n i do our parts with regards to chores and i love cooking (though that's seriously though with two in tow) so what else is there for a maid to do? I certainly don't throw my motherly duties to her! I would also certainly not leave educating and story tellings to her and risk the kid having a weird accent. But ok,  it does boil down to finances which i m reluctant to declare. It's not quite that we can't afford but things are already extremely tight. Please don't be asking me to control my shopping sprees just for a maid.  And plus,  i have major trust issues with all the rampant crazy maid stories i hear.  No thanks to having a stranger live with me too. I'll totally go bongkus. So yeah, imagine I've to explain these reasons to people each time they kindly offered their suggestions. 
My body is aching just when i thought I'm recovering. I managed to get Small K to sleep but only to battle with Big K and finally when we all doze off to lala land, no.2 gets choked on his pheglm and the mambo starts all over again.  I'm knackered.  Seriously dying from exhaustion.  Can someone please give me an MC? help is scarce unfortunately. I'm still left to my own devices every morning till 2pm before i head off to work;  and even though mom is around to help on Mondays, she's really more of a trouble than help.  I'm always having to clean up her act after she leaves!  Be it diapers randomly thrown out or wet clothes dripping in my bathroom.  I seriously don't need this at the end of a long day. Where's the hub, you might ask?  Well,  after 3 weeks of being away,  he's finally home!  But he is constantly on standby which gives me the jitters and is due for a long haul again in early October. (this is true only at the point of publication). 
A mother's job is never done and because of this spate of virus, it's making me snap more often at Big K. As it is,  I'm already extremely guilty for not spending enough time with her and following up closely on homeschooling.  These days i just pick whatever's available and shove it to her, hoping i can get some peace for a mere 10minutes. I feel like I'm not doing much at the end of the day. I'd like to pen down my thoughts on my blog, but I would crash halfway after typing the first sentence or two. I would love to go on date nights with the hubs when he is in town, but it's either we are both held up at work or we had to rush back to pick the kids before the MIL goes berserk. I'd like to pack the house a little better and make it more like those featured on Apartment Therapy, but the thought of it being messed up the very next moment holds me back. In fact, the house is in such a mess, it's depressing. Toys strewned all over despite me teaching Big K how to put things in the bucket or at the very least shove everything to one side so that there's a wee bit of walking space. The hub unfortunately doesn't seem to care much. Stuff can be lying all over the place and he can be walking over them the entire day without picking 'em up. Issit just me being OCD and anal about tidiness? 

I'd like to clear more of my wardrobe and perhaps exchange more of them for money or simply donate to charity, but I can't. No time and the running nose was probably triggered by the fact that I was packing one night and all the dust got to me the second day. I would like to spring clean my computer which is oh-so-slow. In fact, i've done so much on the computer that it signaled to me that it was out of space the other day. Disk full, it says. Great. Just what I needed. I really need to get myself a new hard disk but even then, that is being held back coz I don't have the luxury of time to even go to the malls to get one! Trash everything you say? hmmm I'm quite a hoarder even on the technological front. I'm not sure about you but for me to hit on delete button for photos of my kids even though they are already on my hard disk n other computer and some on my phone, I simply can't do it! what if things crash on me suddenly and everything disappears? I needed more backup! I would like to cook more and experiment with more recipes like before, but these days, simple dishes are the way to go. Thankfully, the lil one is appreciating it. She just told me she likes mama's food the other day. I would like to take a day off and just busk in the sun or sit by the cafe with a good book, or go for a well deserved massage, but I can't. Well, i did try. Last Monday when Empress Dowager was around, i dashed out to do my grocery shopping. Walked by my favourite shop that says "back massage, 20minutes, $18". "I could do that", I thought. So, throwing all caution to the wind (yes, caution because I am very pressed for time), I went ahead. 10minutes into the massage, Dad called. Empress Dowager was panicking as Small K was screaming his head off and she thought i had forgotten to feed him! so yup, I had to cut things a little short and rush home. Nope, it wasn't that I was some irresponsible mother who forgot to feed the kid. Empress Dowager just couldn't handle two kids at a time. Note: half the time, Big K was entertained by my dad. I would like craft more and create beautiful things, but no beautiful thing can withstand the test of time and more importantly stand out in this messy house. I would like to finish a book within a day or two instead of having to read a page here or there during pockets of time. I don't even remember what I've read 5 minutes ago! I would like to be on top of things when it comes to homeschooling the lil bub. No doubt she goes to half day school, but i honestly think that I can do a better job and school is just a place for her to socialise whilst I head out to work. I would like to make new friends and attend events, but where can I find the time? It's always during working hours. I would like to keep up with old friends, but even having a conversation via watsapp isn't all that easy. I would like to expand Rhapnroll, but, ok i'm lazy. I'll be totally engrossed and that's not good. I can go on forever and that's just me. Poking my nose in every darn thing and seemingly very capable but honestly, I don't feel very smart as everything seems half achieved. The feeling is consuming me. Even blogging is taking a backseat. The amount of drafts I've amassed is crazy. 

3, close to 4months have passed and I think I've done a pretty darn good job at coping. 2 months into being a mother of 2 and I was off to work again. We've found our rhythm and this is how things look like on a typical day:

730am: Big K screams herself awake. I seriously don't get it. I am next to her and yet, she throws such a fit.
745am: Make milk for Big K after calming her down.
8am: Small K wakes up but I leave him to entertain himself in the crib
815am: Small K starts getting bored and wails for attention. Boob time.
830-915am: washing up (big K can be awfully slow when it comes to brushing her teeth. For that matter, she's always in slow mode) + breakfast time
930am: bathe Small K and play with him a bit whilst Big K has her free play
10am: Make Small K nap
1030am: Bathe Big K and start cooking lunch + pray that Small K doesn't wake up + entertain Big K with some activity. Yes, multitasking! can't help it as Big K will hanker me for an activity. 
1115am - noon: take lunch with Big K and pray that small K doesn't wake up that soon.
Often by now, Small K may wake up in fright and I'll have to calm him down again.
1230: make Big K nap and that involves carrying her and walking round the house like a lunatic. Yup, a bad habit coz everyone else was doing that since Day one. she will sleep on her own if she's with me, but that will probably take at least an hour. I don't have time for that hence i risk breaking my back and rock her to sleep.
1pm: Small K's boob time
115/ 130pm: Big K wakes up, has her milk and gets ready for school
130-145pm: sends Small K over to the MIL's place which is just within walking distance but bringing two kids along, plus the bottles of expressed breastmilk and my bags + Big K's bags. Oh man, it's really a test of strength and it's a juggling act at times.
215pm: arrival at school 
230pm: finally heading off to work. 
9pm: Off work. zoom home like an F1 driver especially if the hubs isn't in town. Hate that their sleep schedule gets screwed up. They need to be wound down by 830pm. Takes me an hour to get them to sleep. 
10+pm: dinner time and washing of bottles etc. That is provided I don't fall asleep with Big K. 
11pm: shower and expression of milk
midnight - I drift off to sleep: work/ Facebook
4/5am: expression of milk; sometimes I need to wake up twice for the same reason but often I'll snooze and wake up only when the cookies are near explosion.

That's how I deal with things every single day. It's rendering me breathless. No doubt very rewarding but I honestly wonder sometimes if I should just ease things a little n be a SAHM. Not saying that an SAHM is all easy job but at least I don't have to run things on a schedule and perhaps might feel a little happier. But the hubs probably will be vehemently against the idea. Weekends are a tad better as things don't really have to run on such strict schedule, but still, i need my sleep! I can't run on a million whys and my boobs, oh my dear cookies...they are on demand. To be honest, the boy is really good but the two take turns. Once I settled no.1, no.2 will ask for something. Sigh...i know it's a common complaint that 24hours isn't enough, but this is getting way ridiculous! This post took me 2 weeks to complete and now I'm well again however i simply can't be bothered to correct my tenses  for the first part of the entry. so, Pardon me!


  1. You're already done a great job. Lower your expectations in everything, that's what I'd learned. You need to be able to breathe before you can continue and do more *pat pat* :)

    1. hey thanks Auntie Stella. my expectations are already pretty low..sigh..i think i'm at a point when i'm a little burnt out n can't catch my breathe. Will try to breathe n survive.