Review: Plushopedic Memory Fluff Pillow by SLEEPWIZ

Many people think that the mattress is the most important factor in getting good quality sleep. Well, it is. However, when it comes to sleep quality, the right pillow is just as important as your mattress.

I haven't been sleeping all that well ever since I got discharged. Things got slightly worse when I had to be confined to bed as much as possible. I couldn't do much but lay down. I didn't exactly lie flat and this gave me really bad headaches. The next few nights were intense due to the headaches and body aches. Then I realised! My pillow! I was using the higher and firmer ones which I had! You see, I have a total of 4 pillows on my bed. Two were my older ones while 2 new ones were gifted by the good people at SLEEPWIZ. I am a regular user of high and firm pillows. It didn't really occur to me that it was probably the cause of my neck aches and headaches. I didn't really bother whether my spine was going to be misaligned whilst using those pillows. I only wanted to sleep. But unknown to me, the misalignment was creeping on me. I have been having stiff necks and I simply attributed them to stress. Stress is inherent of course, but we can certainly relieve it a little with the right pillow. So back to my story about having massive headaches in the last couple of days whilst in bed. Realisation struck that I had the two pillows from SLEEPWIZ. I immediately switched to them and the next day, my headache was alleviated. Of course, you may say that it could be because I was less stressed or that the headaches naturally would go away. Well, I waited for three days and it didn't seem to diminish. I guess only time can tell if the pillow is the true reason behind it. But I believe it is a strong contributing factor.

Having the right pillow plays an important role in supporting our neck, shoulders, head, and spine. If your and neck and shoulders don't get sufficient support, it will put your spine and body out of alignment, leading to strain and discomfort. When used correctly, pillows will alleviate or prevent common forms of back and neck pain. We spend a lot of time with our pillows. I mean we do need at least 8 hours of sleep right? (Ok, probably I need less in my case). So imagine 8 hours on a pillow that is not right for you! The damage could be detrimental in the long run. 

There are several types of pillows in the market. Honestly, it confuses me when I go pillow shopping. They include:

- Feather pillows

- Down pillows

- Memory foam pillows

- Microbead pillows

- Buckwheat pillows

So which is the best pillow? 

According to Dr. Alissia Zenhausern, NMD physician at NMD Wellness of Scottsdale, as far as the best pillows for neck pain are concerned, he suggests "a more rounded pillow to help support the natural curvature of your spine," as well as pillows made of memory foam or feathers! There you have it! Memory foam! words from the expert adapted from an article from FORBES.

So there you go! The best type of pillow is made of memory foam. And that was exactly what SLEEPWIZ sent me! Their Plushopedic™ Memory Fluff Pillow is filled with an interlocking cross-cut memory fluff that conforms to your neck and shoulders, creating a buoyant and supportive experience cradling your head! Unlike conventional memory foam or classic pillows, the Plushopedic™ Memory Fluff Pillow feels soft and plush, just like a giant marshmallow as it absorbs your head like those pillows in the luxurious hotels! Moreover, the fillings can be easily shifted around by hand (in contrast to the traditional fixed memory foam), enabling you to fluff and re-fluff your pillows into your favourite shape, perfectly fitting your sleeping posture!

In all honesty, when it first came to me, it was all rolled up and flat. 

I was skeptical.

I thought to myself, how good can this flat thing be? I am used to high, rigid pillows. I opened it up and it fluffed up! It was still considerably flatter than my existing pillows and I was still not quite convinced. However, it was love at first sight for the hubby who has always loved his pillows a little lower. He can't comprehend me. When I think of memory foam pillows, the first thing which struck my mind was that it would be contoured, hard and ergonomic.

This Plushopedic™ Memory Fluff Pillow is nothing like that. It's fluffy! I decided to give it a try. I had a feel of its memory foam and it was little foam cubes packed in the pillow. really unlike the traditional ones which feel like it is one big piece of foam. The durable memory fluff is said to maintain volume and support for years and years, unlike the traditional fiber fillings. This pillow contains special memory fluff fillings which sink more in the center where your head rests, while remaining comfortably supportive under your neck where you need it. Some say that memory foam retains heat hence lead to discomfort. But I experienced none of that with Plushopedic™ Memory Fluff Pillow. Mind you, I was doing a mini confinement where I didn't have the fan blown at me. Can you imagine how terrible if the pillow were to be a heated one? Super -breathable Coolmax pillow protector allows airflow throughout the pillow, keeping you cool and fast asleep throughout the night. It is made with good ventilation and does not have that chemical smell which is emitted by products when they are brand new. 

While I still miss my rigid pillow, I do not want to endure the stiff necks that come along with it. I believe that in the long run, the Plushopedic™ Memory Fluff Pillow will do good for my spine. If you spend 7-8 hours a night in bed, that would be approximately more than 2500 hours a year! Hence having the right pillow is an investment! The husband's review of the pillow, needless to say, was good. He sleeps on a mattress on the floor at times (poor guy) and needs a soft pillow. This, to him, was a good in-between. Not too soft and neither was it too hard. As for me, I have been using it for close to a month and I haven't looked back. My headaches seemed to be kept at bay too. 

If you'd like to sleep well with SLEEPWIZ, hop over to https://pillows.sg/ to give it a try today! Psst, they are having a very good discount (50%!!!!) and free shipping within Singapore right now!

Disclaimer: All photos are property of www.themishmashmess.blogspot. Please seek permission before reposting and give due credit when doing so. We were given 2 pillows for the purpose of this review. All opinions expressed are entirely my own and written according to my experience in using the products.

I am broken

From time to time, we get lemons thrown at us. Growing up, I had a good share of curveballs thrown at me. I survived them. It has made me who i am. A stronger person. But nothing prepared me for what  happened over the last few months. Nothing prepared me for today’s episode. 

So what happened? Here’s the scoop. I had an early miscarriage. 

Yes, some of you, like my mom, will start nagging, pointing fingers that i over exerted myself. That’s true. I did. There's no denial. But before you carry on, i suppose you have to be in one’s shoes to totally understand. All that i did are mandatory. I don’t suppose i could have abandoned my very sick mother? Or not to be present on behalf of my dad when gramps passed away? And most certainly, for the kids, i simply have no one else to outsource. I was so frustrated and felt like no one understood. I am pretty sure that most of us are just as stretched. Except that some have extra help from the village or a helper. I am no different,  just no helper and probably lament more. The only helper i have is my manservant aka the husband, who helps around. But if you know him, he is the most practical person around and plus, his travel schedules are sometimes worse than a pilot’s.

It was an unexpected pregnancy. I wasn’t even aware.  Because i had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (pcos), having irregular menses was part of the deal. I didn't suspect anything and with Xmas and Chinese New year hostings, there were inevitably booze and seafood. Yes, i would have been very conscious if I had known. I am a staunch believer of TCM. Plus all the immense spring cleaning. It is so hard to reconcile my feelings of guilt right now. 

On 31 Jan 2020, i thought to myself, let’s buy a homekit and test for pregnancy because I was late. 3 weeks late in fact. I had butterflies in my stomach. It turned out positive. I showed the husband and we were in disbelief. Stunned like vegetables were the right description. But we quickly regained our composure and accepted this joy. The kids were wondering what’s going on. So papa told them,”You are gonna have a mei mei or didi!” The kids, particularly Small K was excited and asked where issit? Big K as usual took a bit of time to warm up to the news. You see, she isn’t the easily excited kind. Cool as a cucumber. Especially when it involves having another one to steal her parents’ love. But she soon said she wanted a mei mei. I was having the jitters and honestly still not quite believing my eyes. So i went to Waterloo Street and got a lot. It spoke to me loud and clear:: lot number 44 --  you will give birth to a baby girl. I texted my husband and told him i will make an appointment with the gynae.

We rejoiced coz it isn't like my body was that fertile plus i am 40! Old! While i like to think that 40 is the new 20, my body may not be in sync with that thought. I was still lamenting to my gfs on how emo i was coz Small K is going into primary so life’s gonna be boring. What am I gonna post? Then i commented to some friends about the trend that many of my girlfriends(my age) are having another baby.  I wondered why. Why break the comfort? But when i knew that something was growing in me, i felt differently. I could feel my motherly instinct sneaking in and was even excited about breastfeeding and of course teaching the little one! It felt like someone up there heard me and wanted to give me another chance to nurture another life. Everyone knows i am good at that right? But strangely, that dream was short lived. 

On Monday 3 February 2020, i called my gynae. I was having very light brown spottings then and related it to the nurse. Knowing that i had no cramps, She slotted me in for an appointment the next morning. The day progressed as usual. Work and home. I honestly didn't do anything to over exert. Just did my regular chauffeur duties, cooked and worked. However, the light brown stains became dark brown. I googled that it could be old blood and most of the time normal during the first trimester. The night progressed and I couldn't sleep. In the middle of the night, fresh blood came and it was accompanied by dull pains which i thought could be caused by flatulence. By 5am, the pains were so intense,  i had to crawl out of bed to reach out to my hubby for help. I was purging blood. I could barely walk. The scene was scary. It was akin to what you see on tv dramas when the lady has blood oozing down her legs. We however needed to settle the kids before he sent me into A&E. 

We arrived at the emergency ward at 7am. Waited for our gynae, Dr Ho, who arrived about 1h 15mins later. He scanned me and confirmed indeed there was a gestational sac in my womb. Yes! There was life! But it was low and I was bleeding rather badly so he told us to be prepared for the worse. He gave me a jab of progesterone and i took Duphaston through the night. He was to scan me again the next day. I was ordered to bed rest. I didn’t dare move. Even peeing was done on the bed pan and i absolutely salute the nurses for cleaning me up! Where do they find the courage? Kudos to them. I prayed the whole night. I was surrounded by angels and i knew being in a Catholic hospital would give me the divine intervention i needed. I was hopeful when I wasn’t cramping anymore and the bleeding minimised. I needed and told my closest girlfriends who were nothing but encouraging. They checked in on me regularly and kept me positive. I rallied for prayers. I needed some kind of hope and peace. We prayed. One even told me it was a good sign when Dr said that my tummy was soft. Coz that meant that I wasn’t contracting which was a sign of a miscarriage. 

The moment of truth came the next morning, 4 Feb 2020 at 930am when i was due to be scanned again. I kept visualising the positive and let an image of a fetus shine in my mind. The idiotically practical husband had to however, comfort me by saying what yours will be yours. Hmm. I ordered him to sit far away! I didn't need this. I really didn’t. 

The scan was done. The sac was gone. Baby, our meeting was so fleeting. 7weeks. One minute you were here and the next you were not. Whatever happened to I would give birth to a baby girl? Why is the world so cruel? To bless me with a gift and take it away within days? This has been the second miscarriage i had suffered. It is very damaging to one’s body. One needs to do a mini confinement. I love confinement coz one is treated like a queen. But such a confinement is completely different. The familiarity was tremendously painful. 

the familiarity of these bright lights.
Not a pleasant kind of familiarity this time.

At 1pm i was wheeled into the operating theatre for a procedure called D&C or dilation and curettage. Prior to that, even though i was a mess, i had to be collected and texted all my clients that I couldn’t see them for 2 weeks. I had to cancel my appointments with all my girlfriends who were looking forward to celebrating with me my birthday. Yes, it is my birthday month and this would have been the best birthday present. I had to inform my uncles that I won’t be able to represent dad for prayers to gramp this coming week. I had to let my dad know the news. Of all people, i told my folks the last. On the same day, mom was at another hospital doing her blood tests. It wasn’t that good either. Poor daddy. It’s tough being him too. The wife is sick and his only precious daughter is down too. He could only give an exasperated ,”aiyooo why like that?” I tried to be calm. For him. I tried to be strong and not cry. For him. But it was so tough. He conveyed the message to Empress Dowager. The first time when I had my miscarriage, her first few words were " Don't you dare cry!". This time she texted me, "Why are you pregnant?" Geez. Definitely not something pleasant to my ears. But that's Empress Dowager for you. Someone who doesn't mince her words. Someone who doesn't show or knows how to express compassion to her only daughter. As I lay on the operating bed, waiting for my gyane to arrive, a million thoughts ran through my mind. This was all too familiar. Dr Ho arrived. He lay his hand on my shoulder and said, "I know you are sad". A tear was already rolling in my eye and with that, the tear trickled out the edge and I drifted off to sleep under GA. So drama I know. But true. 

bird food at the hospital wasn't quite palatable but I was so happy that I was served for once, instead of serving others

Meanwhile, I had to search for a reasonably priced confinement tingkat caterer who could start off immediately. I even placed order for herbal bath packs online. Thanks to a recommendation from a kind friend who had been there for me. All these sensible things had to be done by me because i am alone. The mil will only do minimally because she isn’t quite big on this whole confinement business. In fact, one can even say that i am more aunty than she is. Secondly, her daughter is also sick and she had been staying overnight with her. So how can i trouble her? I could only rely on myself and the  husband of course. However, Mr ‘pilot’ is flying this coming Monday, though we are still hopeful that it will be postponed due to the #wuhanvirus. This is so deja vu once again. During my first miscarriage he was on flight to France and the moment he heard of the news, he took the next flight home. He was in the skies for 20 odd hours. 

I gave the husband instructions to go to a medical hall to get 生化汤 to boil for me. He did good. He boiled and sent it over to the hospital the next morning. 

I was discharged today 6.02.2020. The doctor kept me for an extra day as I was running a temperature.
Thanks to my level-headedness, I came home to a nice confinement meal from Nouriche.

This was dinner. The fish soup was tasty and the broccoli was fine. Didn't quite like the pork coz it was too porky rather than having the wine taste. The grains were very hard too. I do appreciate the fact that they have a dessert each time. Only thing, it wasn't sweet enough. Bland is good i guess?


Sent the hubs to Hock Hua Medical Hall to purchase this for showering. It is typically used for postnatal care. To dispel winds in the body. Traditionally, women aren't allowed to shower, these days, it's ok to shower with such herbs. I've also ordered some online from Laobanniang.com.sg. Lucky to be living in Singapore. The convenience is immense.

It looks black and smells eeky to some. But I like the smell of herbs, so it doesn't bother me.


These days, even chicken essence comes in different pattern. These are concentrated, easy to use, frozen chicken essence. All you need to do is to put one sachet in boiling water for 3 to 5 minutes before drinking. An old friend, upon hearing what I've gone through, sent this across immediately and insisted I drink. I will. After Wk 2. Coz it is said no eggs and chicken during the first week at least. 

After 3 days of not seeing Big and Small K, mama's finally back home. They came home with these cards for me. I was so touched, I cried again. I am not supposed to shed so much tears during this mini confinement period. But it's so hard to control. I will have to sit them down in a moment to explain to them what had happened. It's gonna be tough. So tough.

The trauma this time was really unlike the first. Besides the fact that it felt like a scene taken off a TVB drama, during my first loss, one can say things like “don’t worry, nurse yourself back to health and try again” but now at 40, people will only tell you to rest well. 

I don’t really like how 2020 is looking. 

They say i am the luckiest animal amongst the 12 zodiac this year, but why am I not feeling any luck? I haven't been a bad person all my life. I think i had been a rather good person. Not the best perhaps, not the kindest but certainly not the worst. But yet, bad things just keep rolling at me. I may be strong but this is taking too much of me. I am trying very hard to reconcile my feelings. To be at peace. I know this shall all pass and before you know it, I will be up and going again. But the pain, it will always be there.

One little student asked his grandma

"Aunty Janice is such a happy and nice person always. But why are so many sad things happening to her?"

Baby, I wished I knew. I know life has its seasons. But I'm really tired to be bombed with all these lemons. 

I am broken. I really am. 

Diy confinement

Even though the nanny has left,  i have every intention to continue with my confinement till 40 days. Many would do confinement for only a month, but I wanted to be kiasu this time round. However, i didn't bother about those herbal baths and not touching water after a month. Singapore's weather is just too warm! Prior to birth,  I've sorted things out and got stuff ready except that i didn't anticipate that the nanny would leave earlier.  You see,  I've made arrangements for confinement food delivery and fortunately the owner of Yeyeah delights was nice enough to entertain my requests.  In fact,  throughout our liaison, she has been prompt and patient on her replies.  This despite the fact that Grace,, a mother of three, herself was also having her confinement!  Salute this woman for her tenacity in tending her business.

And so, i managed to get my confinement food delivery to commence slightly earlier. The food are all recommended by their TCM physician cooked and blast freeze. delivery was done every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I was initially skeptical as i had thought food from refrigerator meant "wind". A no no for confinement ladies.  I certainly wouldn't want to fart non stop n make the hubs feel that pur bedroom smells like shit again (yes was expelling gas like mad when i had the nanny's food and she claimed it was good as i was dispelling wind). Anyhows, Grace assured me that it was fine and TCM endorsed thus i decided to try it out. No regrets.  The food was delicious! Not to mention, balanced too. A meat,  a veg, a soup and if coz the all important longan water. i especially love their soups! Very tasty and you can certainly see and taste the amount of effort and ingredients that went into it. Solid tasting. Compared to the previous caterer I've used (Chilli padi), yeyeah's food was not oily and their meats were, well, meaty. You see, back then,  Chilli padi had chicken in their menu and it was all oil and bones! All went well till one day, the container holding the longan water gave way in transit and they included kidney, something which I've informed i don't take,  in my menu.  As part of their service recovery,  they offered me a replacement meal.  How nice. 

Here are some of the stuff which was delivered to me. You can see that they offer a large variety of dishes:

 

I like that they state the nutrition information. 

Something which drew me to take up their package was that they were the only caterer who uses brown rice. In my attempt to be a tad healthier, brown rice is certainly a good start.

 

 

Ahhh...soup! glorious soup!! This is one of my favourites! Green papaya with fish! I used to hate this soup when cooked with fish, but they did it in such a way i didn't feel that it was too fishy. In fact, i found myself asking for more at the end of the day. Unfortunately, I can't seem to replicate the taste at home, thus am still sticking with the pork ribs version.

 

 

Another favourite of mine: Pumpkin soup. It's not your typical western pumpkin soup which is thick and creamy, never is it the typical Chinese pumpkin soup where the pumpkin is chopped up and not blended like in this case.    

 

Look at how generous the portions are

 

 

  

Another way to faciliate my DIY confinement was to prepare pre-packed soup packs. Bought them from Chong Hoe Medical Hall at Serangoon Gardens. I usually pick up my dried organic supplies from this shop and chanced upon this. Awesome idea! But extremely expensive in my opinion. One soup pack on the average costs $38. I took only two week's supply. 

 

  Despite being expensive, the quality of ingredients was truly high. 

Half the time however i don't know what I'm drinking. They all look the same! haha..But it's so convenient. Just soak the herbs in water for 15minutes and pop them into the slow cooker or stove if you have the time to watch over.

 

The other pack which i bought was the tea packs. Many chided me for doing so as they said it's so easy to boil the longan red dates tea. Yes Of coz i do know it's easy. But this isn't simply about longan and red or black dates...look at the variety they have! (see above and below pictures). In fact, I bought a week's supply of these and every single day it was a different concoction!

 

 

After two week's of home delivery (lunch only mind you), I was on my own once again. Thankfully there's mom to buy me fresh produce like fish and thankfully we've got a relatively small but sufficient supermarket down by our block. I was able to whip up a decent meal to continue my attempt at staying healthy. 

Tried making the nanny's marmite chicken but kindof failed. Not gonna be defeated! If she can do it, so can i!

 

The flasks of longan red dates tea as well as rice tea （米茶）for my daily consumption

 

 

Ahhhh...lastly, who can forget. The king of fruits-- Lui Lian!!! YUMZZZ!!! compliments from the uncle who is a durian lover. Apparently, this is a very nutritious fruit during confinement. And since they say confinement ladies are supposed to be immune towards heatiness, I'm attacking the durians by the dozens! hahha ok, not quite!

 

What I ate during confinement

 So the nanny has left. Despite having a bad impression over her naggy ways, she left a deep print in the kitchen. One reason why we decided to engage her was due to the fact that she was a Cantonese. I knew she will cook stuff to my liking as I'm Canton too. And we Cantonese are known to whip up great dishes. At least the older generations..i'm still working on it! 

Really miss her meals. Every meal was a feast and it was such luxury to have 3 dishes and a soup as opposed to when I did my first confinement (done by the mil), i only had a dish and plain rice. Yup, And i thought I was the most blessed daughter-in-law on earth. Moving forward, meals are definitely going to be a challenge. Cooking is not going to be easy with a toddler hankering for attention and an infant, well, wailing for some reason every 15minutes. That apart, how am I to visit the market with two in tow? Research has pointed me to a certain website which delivers fresh fish/ seafood to your doorstep though -- SongFish Pte Ltd. It's getting me really excited as they've got lobsters, scallops, crayfish and of course fish! But delivery is only free if you spend above $150. not difficult if i get a couple of lobsters, but it's definitely not a long term plan and my fridge might not be able to hold that kind of quantity. Anyone living in the East, wanting to spree on fish? haha..new generation of auntiness!

Anyhoots, here's to share what I had for confinement:

 

Ginger Ginger Ginger. That's what they believe will rid wind from the tummy. Especially after a csec, the woman is thought to have heaps of wind in the womb. Thankfully this time i wasn't forced to eat the ginger! The nanny said having the taste in the dishes is good enough. Phew. Indeed after almost every meal, I was a farting machine gun! The hub commented the bedroom smelt perpetually of shit! haha

 

During confinement, not all vegetables could be consumed. The "cooling" ones like melons and kang kong just to name a few, should be avoided. Safe ones would be Kai lan, potato leaves which is believed to be a breastmilk booster and spinach which is iron-fortified are known to be good.

The top left dish is marmite chicken. Not quite a confinement dish but the nanny thought it'd be nice to add variety. N yums! it gets my thumbs up! Note to self: need to try the recipe some time. 

 

 

URGH! should have avoided those broccoli! Apparently, apart from legumes, broccoli is another lethal vegetable which causes gas! I was farting till no end  even the little one was farting like a machine gun!

On most days, the soup would be brown or black. Finally i see a clear soup! I honestly don't know what i'm drinking mostly, but i suppose they are all good for me!

 

 

This has got to be my FAVOURITE!!! Congee for breakfast! Cantonese style! Love the sticky texture as opposed to the watery Teochew type. According to my MIL though, that confinement ladies aren't suppose to eat porridge as it contains "wind". Utter rubbish says the nanny. Yeah, says the mommy! :P. there was smashed ginger in it, so i guess i'm pretty safe. Also, according to some old foggies, salt/ soya sauce (dark or light) are a no no. I've always wondered why. With dark/ light soya sauce, i reckon it is due to darkening of the scar should you have a csec. A bottle of chicken essence was also a must in the morning. I hate the taste, but since it's supposedly good, I had better pinch the nose and gulp it down. however, some believe that it will keep the infant awake if the mommy breastfeeds. Again, no scientific proof. The TCM physician did advise against it though. Reason being the commercial ones ain't pure and they probably added preservatives. Best to DIY.

 

 

i'm suppose to finish all these?? Peanut soup with pig's trotters. Another milk booster. I'm not a fan of pig's trotters but soup, i'll gladly drink. And Cantonese soups are Da Bomb! By the way, some old foggies warns against eating fish during confinement too. I don't get this. Fish = Omega = good no? According to the nanny, who is pretty open minded when it comes to food, it's due to the fact that those old stuck in the mud, unscientific fools as she calls, thinks by eating fish, you will get your erm vagina area to stink.

 

 

Pig's stomach soup. Another essential during confinement it seems. Maybe because of the pepper it warms the womb and rids wind. Other than that, my TCM physician actually urge me not to take any innards. Reason being, innards are dirty, contains heaps of weird bacteria. Thankfully, i'm not a fan. Another important dish not featured here, is the vinegar pigs trotters. Again, I'm not a fan of vinegar or pig's trotters, but forced myself to eat a little of the lean meat when she cooked. The hub took all the rest! haha..i think he enjoyed the confinement food more than I did. Anyways, some believe that vinegar helps clean the blood but my physician warns against it, stating that it may thin the blood and blood is very important to a woman. Well, everything in moderation i say.

 

 

The food at the hospital were a far cry from the homecooked food. The vegetables were bland but well, they score points for presentation. :)

 

 

I thought something soupy for breakfast will make my tummy happy. I was wrong! The soup was so tasteless I could have sworn they simply placed macaroni in hot water and served! I was also told by my physician that one should not take carrots as it will cancel out any nutrients the mommy has taken.

 

 

Tea time was however something I looked forward to. Their pastries were pretty nice in my opinion. Nothing fancy.

 

 

YUCKS! the most tasteless porridge ever! n watermelon for fruits? I thought it's considered a "coolin" fruit? Once again, if you have to take fruits, take the unrefrigerated ones. Durian is known to be one of the most nutritious fruit, but it shouldn't be taken in the early part of confinement.

 

AHhhhh this is what i call dessert!! Friend G visited and as if telepathy, she bought me these mini cupcakes from Twelve cupcakes. Aint' a big fan of sweet stuff but somehow, these little minis were a big welcome after all the boring plain stuff!   

Hope the above items didn't leave you salivating! Happy Weekend! :)

The Nanny left me with Mambo No. 9

Goodness me! as cliche as this might sound, TIME FLIES! 

The nanny from Elm Street has left and i've been busy like a bee since! In fact, her premature departure wasn't quite anticipated. I had to let her go 3 days prior to her last day and that was after "tahaning" for a week. She was ill you see. On the day the hub had to be away for a one week business trip no less. However, as proud as she was, she kept insisting that she had never been ill in her entire life and that each time she thinks she's going to fall ill, she'll take some of her miracle pills and herbal teas she brought along to suppress the bug. And so, each day, suppressed she did. I didn't quite hear her cough in the day but come night, despite having her door closed, I could hear. And boy was I freaked out coz Small K was in the room with her! The next day I urged her to put on a mask. Again, the adamant her, refused. Shouted at the top of her voice. Not in anger, but that's her usual tone of talking. Annoying much. The next day, I decided to have the kids in my room instead. Wow! It was mambo number 9 cum concerto No. 5 that night despite having my mom stay overnight! Well, in fact, having mom over wasn't too great an idea. You see, mom's the youngest in the family and when I was young, I was taken care by my maternal grandmother and a nanny who is now my Godma so you can imagine how close we are. Anyways, Empress Dowager can't even change diapers and the proud her (yes, she belongs to the same camp as the confinement nanny) claimed that diapers wasn't invented during my time. Fine. I gave her the traditional cloth diaper which i favoured. Again, she told me she couldn't fold them let alone put it on for my little boy. I urged her to learn and when it was time for diaper change, Small K sprayed all over and got her amused and laughing instead of getting the situation in control! Thereafter, Small K had to pooped and she caused a mess on my rubber mat as small K was struggling and again, she wasn't in control. I tried to give her a crash course but instead of standing still to listen, she walked around and gave me the "I eat salt more than you eat rice" lecture. She helped wash Small K's laundry by hand and left the wet clothes dripping on the tap, insisting that they'll all dry before I know it. Something which I can't quite envision since they were all dripping wet (yes she didn't quite rinse them). That night, when Small K cried (which was every half an hour or so...ya go figure!), Big K would be disturbed. At the peak, I was expressing my breastmilk when Small K decided to be a tenor and Big K joined in to be a soprano. The Empress Dowager carried Small K to me which I don't know why since I was expressing and thereafter, went to pick Big K up to pat. I was at wits end as how could I be expressing and coaxing a distressed infant at the same time?? Subsequently, Big K, who hates her grandma, continued crying and walked towards me. Wow! Simply HIGH! and you know what did the Empress Dowager said? "I give up. I don't know how to handle your kids". Wow. Thanks for your help, Mom! 

The next morning, I had to quickly pick up some groceries from the supermarket downstairs (yes, thankfully it's THAT convenient!) so off I went with Dad who came early in the morning to help. 10 minutes later, we received a distressed SOS. Her highness called to say the two kids are wailing again and that she can't handle! Sigh. I think I'm really better off myself. Fast forward, mom was only thankfully able to help one night and thereafter, I was on my own. By the end of the week, the nanny was in such bad shape she was sleeping half the time! she was merely cooking my meals and not looking after my little one which obviously I wouldn't want her to as well!! It was then, I decided to send her back. She told me i had to change her train ticket for her. I called. I was annoyed by the neighbouring country's system. There wasn't an empty seat and whether or not there'll be an additional carriage, we won't know unless we called in every hour! and mind you, the lines are perpetually busy. The nanny said I had to go down to the train station at Woodlands to wait! She must be mad! I was desperate. The hub suggested to get her an air ticket on our expense. Another mad fellow. I tried to convince him that a bus ticket was all she needed but he said the poor old lady was very ill and an air ticket was definitely gona be cheaper than medical should Small K catch her bug! Ok. I was sold! U know the funny thing was, despite being very annoyed with her for the last couple of weeks, I was actually a tad sad when she was about to leave and I was suppressing those tears when the 65 year old picked up her 2 hugeass luggage and bade us goodbye. She even gave my little one an ang bo which made me slightly guilty coz the ang bao I gave her that was supposedly meant for good luck, was a small one. then again, we bought her a freaking Air Ticket to go home! Incidentally she had to complain that she was travelling via Air Asia coz the airport was further from her hometown and that she had a bad experience on board previously! Sheez, buy ticket for her yet complain. Seriously can she be less of a complain monger and more grateful? Maybe I was sad coz from now onwards, I was truly on my own! haha

Needless to say, the following few days/ weeks, was ultra hectic. the hub wasn't due home till a week and i had to push forward my food delivery. The MIL unfortunately did not step in to even offer help for Big K or my meals despite knowing the situation. In anycase, I was determined to prove to the world that I live up to my name as a Supermom! I felt really weak and helpless. But, the will of the strong will never be shaken by doubts of the weak. My greatest weakness was complaining and I did so via social media where i garnered so much support (and criticism at times) from friends that it kept me going. So yeah, the nights went by and my dark circles became darker and darker. But I survived. Barely. Each time I was attending to Small K, Big K would throw tantrums by taking stuff out of the drawers or requesting to pee or have her milk. At one point in time, I was carrying Small K with one arm latching, and the other arm helping Big K up the W.C! No wonder, the uncle commented that my arms are getting huge! Sigh. However, on calmer occasions, when I see Big K's loving and helpful side, I soften and think that she's the best daughter + sister ever. Life is always throwing curveballs to us but the only way was to bite the bullet and sacrifice hell lot of sleep!

“Being weak doesn’t make you worthless. Being strong doesn’t make you invincible. But having those two sides makes you, you.” 

― Danielle Baker

Lost. Pcos hits.

Life's a bitch. Seriously.

 

Just when I'm ready to move on and restore my faith, bad news hits me with such great velocity yet again. Can't its frequency be reduced? What have I done to deserve such wavelengths?

 

Was at the gynae's on Wednesday. As I lay on the same bed where the bad news was told to me a month and a half ago, i had a strange inkling that something bad would befall as I looked at the screen. My sixth sense was right. Dr Ho found that I have polycystic ovary, pcos for short. This condition results in irregular menstruation, amenorrhea, ovulation-related infertility (great....just great...just when I got back on my feet, someone up there decides to play a cruel trick on me), and polycystic ovaries; excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones (the hub tried to assure me that I'm no where near that coz he don't see a beard or moustache), resulting in acne (yes. there's a sudden outbreak) and hirsutism; and insulin resistance, often associated with obesity, Type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levels. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among affected women. Fertility issues aside, having such a bomb in me which could manifest into other stuff is really very upsetting and disturbing. A chat with some mommy friends and i realise that this condition is quite prevalent although the gynae said it affects only 10% of the women. Coupled with my age, this increases the chances of a miscarriage to 30%. The cause -- likely to be heriditary. Thanks a lot, Mom. Double, Triple whammy not? My heart is weak and I don't think I can take such news. Was in denial for two days. Lost all appetite and had trouble sleeping. My mood was bad and patience was not in my dictionary. It doesn't help that Lil K needs all my attention.

 

They say an idle mind is the devil's playground. But in this instance, how can I get rid of negative thoughts? I've been trying to occupy myself with work and stuff, but it only rendered me tired. The hub was also in denial and believes it's a misdiagnosis. He said I do not exude any of the symtoms. With that said, on the next day, I bled. I wasn't suppose to. It's mid cycle. A sign of ovulation bleeding? I didn't want to procrastinate. I had to do something but what? The specialist said there's no known cure! no medication, no surgery. Nice. With mounting stress, I entertained further negative thoughts. Aquaintance will say stuff like" it's ok, you still have lil K". Leave her out of the picture i say! I love her to bits but it's really cruel to take away the chance of letting her have a sibling. I certainly don't wish for her to be like me -- an only child. A lonely only child.

 

I'm feeling frustrated, confused and lost. Why? Why me? Of coz I know that there are people out there who are worse, but right now, the fact that I can hear my ovaries bitching (they are literally pulsating somehow.....can feel a slight pain on my left at this moment for some reasons) isn't helping! For the past month, i viewed my feelings as a weakness and wanted to get rid of all obstacles. i did. but with this news, how am I to pick up the pieces again?

 

Seeing my devastation, the hub consoled me by saying something senseless -- he is satisfied with just lil K. Oh my! I was speechless yet I wanted to smack him in the face! what a thing to say! where is the fighting spirit? To think I told him that a few mommies I now have conceived naturally even with pcos. Depressed, I sought help from a TCM near my place who is supposedly pretty well known in this field. Was glad I did so. Yet because of him, I found out yet another news which would cause my blood presure to shoot up by the millions. After taking my pulse, he was able to tell me that my m/c was due to the lack of progestorone. I questioned him. Strange that such a thing would happen since I already have lil K. The reason he claimed -- I did not nourish enough during my confinement and during the 1st 6 months after lil K. The angry voice in me spoke yet again. My confinement was done by the MIL. everyone thought that was the best thing and said how lucky I was to have her since she was a great cook. I thought so too. Confinement was 3 square meals, a dish each time (sometime's it's just rice with a plate of ginger fried egg) with a soup only during dinner + a flask of red date with longan water which wouldn't last me through the day. To think that I naively thought this was how confinement should be done. Back then I thought I was really blessed coz mom didn't quite bother thus I was thankful to have help from a kin. Even when fellow mommies told me how much food they had to eat during their confinement (5 meals per day, 3 soups per day etc), I didn't hold a grudge because I was truly thankful that she alleviated my fears for having an outsider to take care of my child. However, such thoughts ceased upon hearing that I might not have lost my child should I have been better taken care of. Unwilling to accept, I argued with the TCM physician who went on telling me that chromosonal abnormality possibility was low since I already had lil K. By now, I know that if i spoke, every word will be laced with anger. Everyone is moving on and getting on with life and I'm made to sink in this hole of depression. I know I should not waste time being mad at people, but it's inevitable to have such feelings. It's exhausting to have to conquer such frustrations yet again. It's maddening! I feel like I'm struggling through a tasteless cup of coffee. I wish there's a wee bit of sugar left at the bottom which I've yet to discover and stir. At times, I really feel that the world is inconspiracy to importune me. Sickness, fear, etc, all knock at once.

 

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's like a rubbish bin. Full of shit!

So now I'm right back where I've started. Sober and miserable.