Directionless

As 2015 is drawing to an end, I'm once again filled with heaps of apprehension and fears. Fear for the uncertainty that 2016 holds. I am directionless and kindof feeling melancholic these days. Seeing so many people building on their talents and turning it into something lucrative makes me feel "what am i doing with my life?" I'm a Jack of all trades. That's who i am. Which is why most of the things done are probably standards that's good enough for me and only me. I get heaps of praises but somehow i don't materialize them into something bigger. It sometimes makes me feel like I'm a failure.

As i lay in bed each year this time, I'll reflect upon what big thing have i achieved. Well, this year it has gotto be moving house twice in a span of 3 months! More to come. But honestly, that's not a major feat right? I don't know. I'm lost. But I've to remind myself that I've to take small steps everyday and celebrate the little things which i succeed in doing everyday!

So she says I don't eat well enough

I've been feeling awful lately. Awfully emo that is. The two young ones at home have taken ill. It has been so rough that we've (or rather, I've) been waking up almost every hour to pacify either of them. I could be patting Small K to sleep after a fierce struggle of over 2 hours, or calming an angsty Big K who got up in the middle of the night for milk because she was uncomfortable. It's not just once, but four times in a night! I tried to stand firm by telling her that she shouldn't be drinking in the middle of the night, but her screams were intense and I was so afraid she would wake her little brother up. I certainly wouldn't want to do a mambo with two crying babies. this has been ongoing for almost a week now and I'm truly knackered. The husband did his part by putting Small K to sleep every night and I'm thankful that he's around during this period. However, after midnight, he would retire his duties. No matter how loud Small K's cries were, he wouldn't get up from under the sheets. His reason: he doesn't have boobs! Then, there's Big K who has major insecurity issues. Every night after putting them to sleep, I'll be doing stuff in the living room. Once she sensed that I wasn't by her side, she'll walk out to look for me. For the entire week, she does that at least twice on the average. That forced me to sleep with her, but work and chores are piling up. They are on the road to recovery, but their clinginess still remains. It is particularly bad with Big K whom I've honestly been ignoring. She used to receive so much attention from me on the home learning front. These days, she's just roaming around. Small K has also learnt the art of attention seeking and is constantly wanting to be carried. 

It's tough enough to be juggling work and two sick little ones but it's even tougher for someone in the family to say that I'm not doing that great a job in giving myself sufficient nutrients. True that I do not take my dinners regularly due to work commitments. I knock off very late hence by the time i can sit down to have a proper meal, it'd be 11pm. However, i do grab a bun or a biscuit in between. Unfortunately, that particular person doesn't see it that way. She deemed that this is affecting the quality of my breastmilk. She has been urging me to start on formula given that Small K has turned one recently. She feels that with formula, Small K will sleep better and he'll grow fatter. Small K is indeed on the small side. 3rd to 10th percentile to be precise, however, i reckon it's in our genes as Big K, well, isn't very big either. In anycase, it was about the same time when Big K turned one that such a topic was touched on as well. I explained that formula and sleeping well doesn't correlate. I mean, look at Big K. She was on formula and didn't sleep through the night till she was 2.5years old! So then, the argument came -- I don't eat well enough. If only she had the heart to save me some herbal soup when she boils some for her daughter. Or perhaps pack food for the hubs to bring back for me like how it was done when I was pregnant with Big K. Currently, food is packed even for her son-in-law! I don't think there are any undercurrents. And we certainly get along amiably. So what's the problem? I'm perfectly fine that I'm not pampered. It would be nice but since I'm not, I do my best on my own. So don't be saying that I do not eat nutritiously or that it's because of my diet that the boy is on the low end of the chart. I am probably doing a much better job that anyone in the family with the soups I boil regularly or the supplements I take erm irregularly. 

So here's a run down on what I usually eat. I'm sure there is room for improvement but for a ftwm I think this would do.

So, what do you think?

Have I been jinxed by the Monday Blues?

MONDAYS. A term synonymous with blues for many. Honestly, I seldom have that problem because everyday is quite the same to me. But today, it really feels like the world is against me. 

First, just when i was about to cook lunch, my rice cooker decided to act up. Next, i visited IKEA and the pregnant staff decided to give me a bit of an attitude. Ok, she's preggers and working so I'll forgive her. Next, my Macbook declared itself a holiday! To be fair, the laptop has been around for 6years and I've been meaning to get myself a new one but have been procrastinating because of well, Money!! Been trying hard to be more prudent and i do have the husband's spare laptop (which has disappearing cursors and words) to work on. However, nothing beats a Mac right? Actually why am i so adamant? What do i know about specs? I just know the Mac is mad chio (pretty)! So ya, just last week i was working painstakingly on a project which hasn't been saved on my external hard disk. Great. Just great.

Back to the bit about the rice cooker. Two weekends ago, the hubs and I were shopping around and I casually mentioned that I'd like to get a chio cooker for our new place (yes! We are shifting but it's really not as exciting as what you think). I think the mere mention of replacing the cooker totally jinxed things. My rice cooker couldn't boot up as well!! Quick-thinking, i whipped out my Happy call and cooked me some rice! 

You would think that will all be diluted as the day went by. Well, Wrong! At 9pm, I wanted some decent dinner and packed from Subway. Guess what I received? Instead of Fanta Grapes, it was more like Soda water with a tinge of cough syrup. Gosh! someone probably forgotten to add more syrup!
A total waste of good money to upgrade to a combo meal! And I thought all's well, ends well. Again, I was wrong! Along the way, I almost hit an oncoming vehicle which was in my blind spot! That really made me jump out of my skin.

In light of all these, I'm unfazed..ok who am i kidding, I'm still cursing and swearing deep down. Positive thinking is not about expecting the best to happen. It is about accepting whatever that happens. Such wisdom! The above mentioned matters are all very easy to solve but somehow it feels better to bitch about them and move on..so did you have a bad day? Come come,  share with me!

injecting some positivity: My happy breakfast

I haven't been blogging much lately. Coz I've been terribly tired, busy and well, perhaps, just perhaps, a little ill-disciplined. Apart from the massive spring cleaning which I've been doing every other night and online shopping for CNY clothings for the fam, the kids and hub took turns to fall ill and the only person who has to stand strong is me. The cycle hasn't been broken and this has been ongoing since the beginning of 2015 and I'm truly knackered. Coupled with several other financial issues and unexpected hiccups like a neighbor's leaking ceiling due to seepage from our toilet, I'm inclined to think that 2015 isn't quite the year for me. Once one problem is solved, another comes along. They just simply sprout out like mushrooms rendering me breathless.

But I'm adopting the cockroach attitude - 打不死 (beat cannot die). The more curveballs life throws  atme, the stronger I'll become. I tell myself to be more positive and things will somehow work out.

One way of injecting more positivity is to start the day right! Being with the kids every morning means i can't go out to some cafe to have a pretentious tai tai breakfast. I do feel jaded at times and even mistreated coz why issit that I've to be the one bathing Big Small K, feeding, making them nap and playing with them every morning n not my other half?? I love my kids. Don't get me wrong but i guess the reason why I'm so disgruntled is because almost every other morning, the hubs will say his goodbyes and off he goes, not to office, but to breakfast with his buddies! Where is the fairness in this? 

Sigh, but, it's honestly useless to wallow in self pity. N hey, I've got the kids! *sticking my tongue out. Anyhoots, while some mummies are busy packing bentos for their kiddos, below are my happy meals!

What do YOU normally have for breakfast?

It's 2015 already?

Hi 2015!

Yup ok, I'm late. It's mid Jan and I'm finally sitting down penning things down before my post natal brain starts acting up on me again. To be fair, I've been typing stuff here and there. Drafts galore, just never quite complete. This eats me up coz it kindof reflects how i treat the projects in life too, except for being pregnant and giving birth! Anyhows, for ritual sake, I have to do this post. it's afterall a new year. #nowthenpostnextyearalready.

Most of us love holing up at home. It renews tired souls and is a sanctuary got all our favorite this. It's a place where we can truly be ourselves and express all our true colour. Having said that, home is a reflection of you. Indeed, if you were to swing by my place, you'll see the mess it is in. Somewhat like my life eh? It's depressing sometimes. Everything's so random these days. I'll just decide on what to cook the very day, or the activity to do with Big K that very minute. No wonder tempers were flaring over the last two weeks. You see, we didn't want to be holed up since New Year's eve, but Big K was hit by a nasty bug and developed a fever at the stroke of midnight. Prior to that, we were at a friend's party, hoping to usher in the new year with her little friends. But alas, we had to cut short and head home and be sponging the little one at midnight and beyond. Definitely not my idea of a celebration. The days which followed were tough. In fact, tempers flared during this season as Big K decided that whining was her forte. She'd whine at the slightest thing. If she couldn't get a toy to work, she'd whine. If she dropped her pencil, she'd whine. As if that wasn't enough, she'll create a scene by rolling non stop on the floor and screaming at her soprano voice. It was really challenging to keep my tempers down. Fortunately i had heaps of training from work. And, to address this issue, i choose to walk away, leaving her to wail incessantly. There was really no point talking sense to a 3year old when she is consumed with angst. I didn't know a small human being could be so explosive. It drove me bananas and caused the hubs to snap. The usually calm and collected (read: bo chup) husband was the one who lost it this time round. He had been lashing out threats and executing punishments like locking her up in the toilet. In the middle of the night mind you. An action i strongly disagree on. Extremity was taken to a new high one evening when Big K broke out into her usual scream halfway through her sleep. After a mere 5mins, i heard him yelling at Big K. I was nursing Small K then but I ran to her rescue and saw him yelling into her ear! Literally an inch away! I was dead mad and pulled him back but he was a strong man and i had to use force. It was disheartening to see such a scene and heartwrenching to see Big K sob her eyeballs out! Who was this monster? He's usually not like that. Anger and mobile gaming can do so much to a person! No matter what we did: the fast food method from the Happiest Toddler on the Block, or telling her she has to find her happy heart before talking to us, or banishing her to the naughty corner, to bribing her with her favourite activity (that probably works for only 5mins), they all failed miserably. I don't understand why she has to scream and wail at a thing like not wanting to go to the toilet despite having a tummyache. Just go la! why do you need to scream and wail? Seriously! I am suppose to be the patient one in this household, and that night I simply had to pull the hubs away and took over everything as if he was not around. Yup, I mambo-ed with both Big and Small K. Small K was constantly aroused by Big K's screams in the middle of the night. The screams were so constant it completely drained me mentally and physically. I could be nursing Small K at 2am and somehow, Big K could sense that i left the room (we co-sleep) and wail endlessly even though the daddy was right next to her. Next, she'll totter into didi's room and drive me up the wall. I really wanted (still do) to bury my head and cry. Our last resort, to send her to my in-laws for the night. She spent two nights there. Our excuse - we needed her to recuperate and not spread the germs to didi. For those two nights, the hubs and I were couch potatoes and very happy parents! Falling sick was actually a blessing in disguise as we were forced to rest at home for a whole week and bond as a family.

Fast forward, we are still battling with Big K's tantrums and both Big and Small K are still sick. Fortunately the hubs is in town to deal with it together. I suspect she is seeking a lot of attention from us because Small K has started to become more mobile. He has been crawling, standing and cruising quite a bit. In the past, he was just a lump, waiting to be carried. No threat. These days, he has shown preference too and the moment he is put down in the playpen, he'll wail. Or if i turn my back to head to the toilet, i'll have to endure pitiful cries. By the way, he'd cry and mouth "mama" in between. Cute much? So yeah, I can only pray that I'm patient enough to face each day as it comes. Also, in my short (and probably unrealistic) list of resolutions, I hope I can be on the ball with entertaining Big K over at Mama's School. This helps in containing her anger and making her a happy toddler. Been very lax in that area which adds to her tantrums. I used to be doing stuff with her every few minutes and that, she loves. Now, I always find myself asking her to self entertain while i bathe or feed Small K. Pretty unfair to her i guess. Also, seeing several mommies posting on social media how their kid is able to write their 1,2 3s and ABCs or hot housing them by enrolling the child in Chinese classes or keyboard classes etc stresses me out. I think I'll fail terribly if my resolution were to be a Tiger mama. So yeah, back to resolution number 16547, Prioritize! That explains a whole lot why my blog has been radio quiet for a bit. I had to concentrate on nursing the both to health before everything else.

Recap of 2014

2014 was a really big year in every sense of the word. I gave birth to Small K didn't I?

Phew! thankfully for that else the year would have been wasted big time!

I also gave birth to another baby of mine: Rhapnroll -- a place where I translate my creativity to gifts of joy for newborns and beyond. To summarize, I sell diapercakes.

A bit of shameless advertising here but do drop by my site if you are in the market for a gift for a newborn or even a toddler. 

Despite having such achievements, I find that I haven't quite accomplish much. Ironic huh? I have been pretty lazy on many other fronts but i guess sometimes you have to slow down or you risk burning out.

Resolutions

I don't usually pen down my wishes for the year, but let's just do it for the heck of it:

Do less but more

Ironic. I confuse myself sometimes too. Really hope that in this new year, I can spend time to better myself, whether to perform at work or to enrich myself as a parent. But yet again, i hope that everything and every project I do, is gonna contribute to my life in a big way. you see, I'm often a person who wants it all. I want to be part of this and that. Hence at the end of the day, I end up with nothing. So, in 2015, I'll strive to do a bit less in order to get more out of life.

To be more patient

With Big K turning three 2 months ago, the terrible threes syndrome has just started. I shall not deceive myself with the mantra which many mothers always tell me -- "it gets better". Come on la! who are you kidding? So to tackle the problem, I hope that I can be a more patient person, be it towards the children or the hubs (he has been infuriating me with his obsession with his stupid mobile games but that's another story for another time).

Be more organised

this is gonna be a tough one but I'll try hard nonetheless.

To spend time more productively with the kids

Really hope not to always be nagging them to go to bed or to pack their toys. Life is such a rush that every morning I've to hurry Big K in doing her routine stuff instead of stopping to smell the roses or hit the playground for half an hour of fun. The evenings are no better. With my crazy schedule, by the time I'm home, I've to get them to sleep almost at once. Winding down routine? What's that?

Be less of a hoarder! Throw throw throw!

I've been working on this lately with the impending Chinese New Year. However, I think I haven't been ruthless enough. I've been throwing a bit of stuff every single day and at my peak (when Big K was spending the night at my in-law's), I managed to throw out 3 boxes of stuff and pack three big bags and a big carton for giveaways! Woohoo! But I'm still seeing clothings which I have kept since 1999! Am in denial that I'll fit into my prenatal clothings. And by prenatal, I mean pre-Big K. Sigh...who am I kidding? Shall find a new home for them and revamp my wardrobe! haha! Excuses excuses.. but yes, I think I should be more selective with my buys from hereon.

Put in more effort in my beauty regime
A few days back, a Primary 1 girl commented at how much older I look compared to her mom (who is, by the way, of the same age as I am!) and that I've a whole lot of wrinkles which I tried to cover up by telling her it's because I smile and laugh too much. That, however didn't quite work as she questioned me by saying "isn't smiling and laughing a good thing? So does that make wrinkles a good thing?". With that, I'm DETERMINED to put in more effort in salvaging those crows feet and lackluster skin. Considering the late nights that I do, THIS, is going to be tough! If there are any miracle water which you swear by, PLEASE hit me with it!

Be more focus, efficient and positive

This is gonna be tough to given my very random nature. Hard to tell yeah judging by the many things I've been doing? But i'm not gonna beat myself up even if I can't achieve this goal. Gotto learn to be more chillax too. Even if the kids are ill, and their sleep patterns are like SH**, I'll try to look at things from a different perspective -- immunity is getting stronger.

Save!
I failed miserably with my grand plan to save in 2014. Am very determined to succeed at the 52 weeks money challenge this time round! Am erm, however, behind by 2 weeks! haha

In essence, all the above resolutions can be summaried in one word: DISCIPLINE! 
Wish me luck!

The start of the year is always full of hope and symbolises fresh beginnings. So here's to a great start! Bring it on, 2015!

Me time, rest time, all the time

I've been ill for the longest time.  4 weeks now to be exact! Never have i been so ill before. It started with Big K having the fever,  the running nose and cough. Waking up to her nightly cries put my body in toll. During this period, the hubs was not around. How convenient yet again. Then the mil fell ill, followed by the hubs and now finally the boy and i caved in. My nose has been drippy and I've been nasal. The boy's nose has also been running and he's been having phlegmy coughs which rendered his naps n sleeps shitty! At times he was inconsolable.  Who was I kidding? 100% of the time his mood was terrible due to the immense amount of phlegm which came from from nowhere. Must be because I planted too many kisses on his cheeks! No amount of hugs,  rocks,  kisses or latching could calm him down. I can totally empathise.  I'm in such a foul mood too that every little thing can ignite the fire. Eg. Just the other day,  2 acquaintances kept texting me saying i need a maid. Geez guys, u r rich,  what do you know? ! Granted my rationale for not having one is coz i feel we r really coping alright. The hub n i do our parts with regards to chores and i love cooking (though that's seriously though with two in tow) so what else is there for a maid to do? I certainly don't throw my motherly duties to her! I would also certainly not leave educating and story tellings to her and risk the kid having a weird accent. But ok,  it does boil down to finances which i m reluctant to declare. It's not quite that we can't afford but things are already extremely tight. Please don't be asking me to control my shopping sprees just for a maid.  And plus,  i have major trust issues with all the rampant crazy maid stories i hear.  No thanks to having a stranger live with me too. I'll totally go bongkus. So yeah, imagine I've to explain these reasons to people each time they kindly offered their suggestions. 

My body is aching just when i thought I'm recovering. I managed to get Small K to sleep but only to battle with Big K and finally when we all doze off to lala land, no.2 gets choked on his pheglm and the mambo starts all over again.  I'm knackered.  Seriously dying from exhaustion.  Can someone please give me an MC? help is scarce unfortunately. I'm still left to my own devices every morning till 2pm before i head off to work;  and even though mom is around to help on Mondays, she's really more of a trouble than help.  I'm always having to clean up her act after she leaves!  Be it diapers randomly thrown out or wet clothes dripping in my bathroom.  I seriously don't need this at the end of a long day. Where's the hub, you might ask?  Well,  after 3 weeks of being away,  he's finally home!  But he is constantly on standby which gives me the jitters and is due for a long haul again in early October. (this is true only at the point of publication). 

A mother's job is never done and because of this spate of virus, it's making me snap more often at Big K. As it is,  I'm already extremely guilty for not spending enough time with her and following up closely on homeschooling.  These days i just pick whatever's available and shove it to her, hoping i can get some peace for a mere 10minutes. I feel like I'm not doing much at the end of the day. I'd like to pen down my thoughts on my blog, but I would crash halfway after typing the first sentence or two. I would love to go on date nights with the hubs when he is in town, but it's either we are both held up at work or we had to rush back to pick the kids before the MIL goes berserk. I'd like to pack the house a little better and make it more like those featured on Apartment Therapy, but the thought of it being messed up the very next moment holds me back. In fact, the house is in such a mess, it's depressing. Toys strewned all over despite me teaching Big K how to put things in the bucket or at the very least shove everything to one side so that there's a wee bit of walking space. The hub unfortunately doesn't seem to care much. Stuff can be lying all over the place and he can be walking over them the entire day without picking 'em up. Issit just me being OCD and anal about tidiness? 

I'd like to clear more of my wardrobe and perhaps exchange more of them for money or simply donate to charity, but I can't. No time and the running nose was probably triggered by the fact that I was packing one night and all the dust got to me the second day. I would like to spring clean my computer which is oh-so-slow. In fact, i've done so much on the computer that it signaled to me that it was out of space the other day. Disk full, it says. Great. Just what I needed. I really need to get myself a new hard disk but even then, that is being held back coz I don't have the luxury of time to even go to the malls to get one! Trash everything you say? hmmm I'm quite a hoarder even on the technological front. I'm not sure about you but for me to hit on delete button for photos of my kids even though they are already on my hard disk n other computer and some on my phone, I simply can't do it! what if things crash on me suddenly and everything disappears? I needed more backup! I would like to cook more and experiment with more recipes like before, but these days, simple dishes are the way to go. Thankfully, the lil one is appreciating it. She just told me she likes mama's food the other day. I would like to take a day off and just busk in the sun or sit by the cafe with a good book, or go for a well deserved massage, but I can't. Well, i did try. Last Monday when Empress Dowager was around, i dashed out to do my grocery shopping. Walked by my favourite shop that says "back massage, 20minutes, $18". "I could do that", I thought. So, throwing all caution to the wind (yes, caution because I am very pressed for time), I went ahead. 10minutes into the massage, Dad called. Empress Dowager was panicking as Small K was screaming his head off and she thought i had forgotten to feed him! so yup, I had to cut things a little short and rush home. Nope, it wasn't that I was some irresponsible mother who forgot to feed the kid. Empress Dowager just couldn't handle two kids at a time. Note: half the time, Big K was entertained by my dad. I would like craft more and create beautiful things, but no beautiful thing can withstand the test of time and more importantly stand out in this messy house. I would like to finish a book within a day or two instead of having to read a page here or there during pockets of time. I don't even remember what I've read 5 minutes ago! I would like to be on top of things when it comes to homeschooling the lil bub. No doubt she goes to half day school, but i honestly think that I can do a better job and school is just a place for her to socialise whilst I head out to work. I would like to make new friends and attend events, but where can I find the time? It's always during working hours. I would like to keep up with old friends, but even having a conversation via watsapp isn't all that easy. I would like to expand Rhapnroll, but, ok i'm lazy. I'll be totally engrossed and that's not good. I can go on forever and that's just me. Poking my nose in every darn thing and seemingly very capable but honestly, I don't feel very smart as everything seems half achieved. The feeling is consuming me. Even blogging is taking a backseat. The amount of drafts I've amassed is crazy. 

3, close to 4months have passed and I think I've done a pretty darn good job at coping. 2 months into being a mother of 2 and I was off to work again. We've found our rhythm and this is how things look like on a typical day:

730am: Big K screams herself awake. I seriously don't get it. I am next to her and yet, she throws such a fit.
745am: Make milk for Big K after calming her down.
8am: Small K wakes up but I leave him to entertain himself in the crib
815am: Small K starts getting bored and wails for attention. Boob time.
830-915am: washing up (big K can be awfully slow when it comes to brushing her teeth. For that matter, she's always in slow mode) + breakfast time
930am: bathe Small K and play with him a bit whilst Big K has her free play
10am: Make Small K nap
1030am: Bathe Big K and start cooking lunch + pray that Small K doesn't wake up + entertain Big K with some activity. Yes, multitasking! can't help it as Big K will hanker me for an activity. 
1115am - noon: take lunch with Big K and pray that small K doesn't wake up that soon.
Often by now, Small K may wake up in fright and I'll have to calm him down again.
1230: make Big K nap and that involves carrying her and walking round the house like a lunatic. Yup, a bad habit coz everyone else was doing that since Day one. she will sleep on her own if she's with me, but that will probably take at least an hour. I don't have time for that hence i risk breaking my back and rock her to sleep.
1pm: Small K's boob time
115/ 130pm: Big K wakes up, has her milk and gets ready for school
130-145pm: sends Small K over to the MIL's place which is just within walking distance but bringing two kids along, plus the bottles of expressed breastmilk and my bags + Big K's bags. Oh man, it's really a test of strength and it's a juggling act at times.
215pm: arrival at school 
230pm: finally heading off to work. 
9pm: Off work. zoom home like an F1 driver especially if the hubs isn't in town. Hate that their sleep schedule gets screwed up. They need to be wound down by 830pm. Takes me an hour to get them to sleep. 
10+pm: dinner time and washing of bottles etc. That is provided I don't fall asleep with Big K. 
11pm: shower and expression of milk
midnight - I drift off to sleep: work/ Facebook
4/5am: expression of milk; sometimes I need to wake up twice for the same reason but often I'll snooze and wake up only when the cookies are near explosion.

That's how I deal with things every single day. It's rendering me breathless. No doubt very rewarding but I honestly wonder sometimes if I should just ease things a little n be a SAHM. Not saying that an SAHM is all easy job but at least I don't have to run things on a schedule and perhaps might feel a little happier. But the hubs probably will be vehemently against the idea. Weekends are a tad better as things don't really have to run on such strict schedule, but still, i need my sleep! I can't run on a million whys and my boobs, oh my dear cookies...they are on demand. To be honest, the boy is really good but the two take turns. Once I settled no.1, no.2 will ask for something. Sigh...i know it's a common complaint that 24hours isn't enough, but this is getting way ridiculous! This post took me 2 weeks to complete and now I'm well again however i simply can't be bothered to correct my tenses  for the first part of the entry. so, Pardon me!

The Nanny left me with Mambo No. 9

Goodness me! as cliche as this might sound, TIME FLIES! 

The nanny from Elm Street has left and i've been busy like a bee since! In fact, her premature departure wasn't quite anticipated. I had to let her go 3 days prior to her last day and that was after "tahaning" for a week. She was ill you see. On the day the hub had to be away for a one week business trip no less. However, as proud as she was, she kept insisting that she had never been ill in her entire life and that each time she thinks she's going to fall ill, she'll take some of her miracle pills and herbal teas she brought along to suppress the bug. And so, each day, suppressed she did. I didn't quite hear her cough in the day but come night, despite having her door closed, I could hear. And boy was I freaked out coz Small K was in the room with her! The next day I urged her to put on a mask. Again, the adamant her, refused. Shouted at the top of her voice. Not in anger, but that's her usual tone of talking. Annoying much. The next day, I decided to have the kids in my room instead. Wow! It was mambo number 9 cum concerto No. 5 that night despite having my mom stay overnight! Well, in fact, having mom over wasn't too great an idea. You see, mom's the youngest in the family and when I was young, I was taken care by my maternal grandmother and a nanny who is now my Godma so you can imagine how close we are. Anyways, Empress Dowager can't even change diapers and the proud her (yes, she belongs to the same camp as the confinement nanny) claimed that diapers wasn't invented during my time. Fine. I gave her the traditional cloth diaper which i favoured. Again, she told me she couldn't fold them let alone put it on for my little boy. I urged her to learn and when it was time for diaper change, Small K sprayed all over and got her amused and laughing instead of getting the situation in control! Thereafter, Small K had to pooped and she caused a mess on my rubber mat as small K was struggling and again, she wasn't in control. I tried to give her a crash course but instead of standing still to listen, she walked around and gave me the "I eat salt more than you eat rice" lecture. She helped wash Small K's laundry by hand and left the wet clothes dripping on the tap, insisting that they'll all dry before I know it. Something which I can't quite envision since they were all dripping wet (yes she didn't quite rinse them). That night, when Small K cried (which was every half an hour or so...ya go figure!), Big K would be disturbed. At the peak, I was expressing my breastmilk when Small K decided to be a tenor and Big K joined in to be a soprano. The Empress Dowager carried Small K to me which I don't know why since I was expressing and thereafter, went to pick Big K up to pat. I was at wits end as how could I be expressing and coaxing a distressed infant at the same time?? Subsequently, Big K, who hates her grandma, continued crying and walked towards me. Wow! Simply HIGH! and you know what did the Empress Dowager said? "I give up. I don't know how to handle your kids". Wow. Thanks for your help, Mom! 

The next morning, I had to quickly pick up some groceries from the supermarket downstairs (yes, thankfully it's THAT convenient!) so off I went with Dad who came early in the morning to help. 10 minutes later, we received a distressed SOS. Her highness called to say the two kids are wailing again and that she can't handle! Sigh. I think I'm really better off myself. Fast forward, mom was only thankfully able to help one night and thereafter, I was on my own. By the end of the week, the nanny was in such bad shape she was sleeping half the time! she was merely cooking my meals and not looking after my little one which obviously I wouldn't want her to as well!! It was then, I decided to send her back. She told me i had to change her train ticket for her. I called. I was annoyed by the neighbouring country's system. There wasn't an empty seat and whether or not there'll be an additional carriage, we won't know unless we called in every hour! and mind you, the lines are perpetually busy. The nanny said I had to go down to the train station at Woodlands to wait! She must be mad! I was desperate. The hub suggested to get her an air ticket on our expense. Another mad fellow. I tried to convince him that a bus ticket was all she needed but he said the poor old lady was very ill and an air ticket was definitely gona be cheaper than medical should Small K catch her bug! Ok. I was sold! U know the funny thing was, despite being very annoyed with her for the last couple of weeks, I was actually a tad sad when she was about to leave and I was suppressing those tears when the 65 year old picked up her 2 hugeass luggage and bade us goodbye. She even gave my little one an ang bo which made me slightly guilty coz the ang bao I gave her that was supposedly meant for good luck, was a small one. then again, we bought her a freaking Air Ticket to go home! Incidentally she had to complain that she was travelling via Air Asia coz the airport was further from her hometown and that she had a bad experience on board previously! Sheez, buy ticket for her yet complain. Seriously can she be less of a complain monger and more grateful? Maybe I was sad coz from now onwards, I was truly on my own! haha

Needless to say, the following few days/ weeks, was ultra hectic. the hub wasn't due home till a week and i had to push forward my food delivery. The MIL unfortunately did not step in to even offer help for Big K or my meals despite knowing the situation. In anycase, I was determined to prove to the world that I live up to my name as a Supermom! I felt really weak and helpless. But, the will of the strong will never be shaken by doubts of the weak. My greatest weakness was complaining and I did so via social media where i garnered so much support (and criticism at times) from friends that it kept me going. So yeah, the nights went by and my dark circles became darker and darker. But I survived. Barely. Each time I was attending to Small K, Big K would throw tantrums by taking stuff out of the drawers or requesting to pee or have her milk. At one point in time, I was carrying Small K with one arm latching, and the other arm helping Big K up the W.C! No wonder, the uncle commented that my arms are getting huge! Sigh. However, on calmer occasions, when I see Big K's loving and helpful side, I soften and think that she's the best daughter + sister ever. Life is always throwing curveballs to us but the only way was to bite the bullet and sacrifice hell lot of sleep!

“Being weak doesn’t make you worthless. Being strong doesn’t make you invincible. But having those two sides makes you, you.” 

― Danielle Baker

The hub's traveling stints

I really should get to sleep. Well I did prior to this, whilst making Lil K sleep at 830pm. However, like clockwork,  I shocked myself awake at 11pm, appalled that I've yet to take my dinner. cooked but have not eaten. yes. life is such. The day started bad.  With me being emo. blame it on the raging hormones n a text received from the hub that he has an impending trip due on the 3rd week of delivery n will arrive back in sg on the morning of the tentative full month party.  my greatest worry came true. This was exactly what happened for no. 1's party. I had single handedly coordinated n diy a great deal.  This wasn't quite the problem.  problem was I'm very strict with my confinement and didn't step out of the house.  Thus I had to beg people to help.  okay mayb too strong a word but definitely troubled heaps of people to do the leg work n help with collections. Not forgetting the fact that I diyed the gift boxes comprising of cupcakes baked by my cousin, ang ku kway and red eggs done by my mil and packaging and all other simple party decor done by me. I think sometimes I'm just out to torture myself. In addition,  the worse bit was coordinating the guest list from the in laws side.  It was a nightmare the last time and I had a meltdown and the blues coz of it. They couldn't give me a number n claimed that they don't need to invite any relatives but ended up inviting and needing boxes of cakes from me at the eleventh hour!

You might now say that I should just make it simple and just outsource. Well Firstly,  do u know by doing all these I've saved quite a bit? Secondly,  I can't be shortchanging no.2 right?  In fact,  I'm determined to give no.2 as much as I did for no.1. ok. Go ahead and laugh at my ambitious goal.  But at least I'm gonna try.

so ok, the day was emo n due to a cancellation,  I decided to give myself a treat and headed to Nom Bistro @ Mac pherson Community Club. strange place to venture for food isn't it? I needed time out to cool my mind.  I can't help it that the hub needs to fly.  I'm frustrated n very worried how things will pan out with no helper, limited help and soon, two in tow.  Whilst everyone is taking the chill pill, I'm a worry pot. Doesn't help that thereafter a certain someone came asking if I was good and started preaching me about getting a maid and outsource things and even consider staying at home to look after the kids in order not to miss their childhood Cox they r only young once. made me sound like a bad mum who seemd obsessed with material possessions. wow. heavy. coming from a non-mummy and single non-working class,  I'm sorry, as much as I appreciate the thoughts and advice,  it really got me more vexed. especially since after explaining she's still adamant and opinionated,  I see no pt in continuing the conversation. honestly,  unless u are in a similar position, u really have no credibility to comment as well-meaning as u may be.

So yeah, I headed to NOM Bistro, only to realise that I didn't have a single parking coupon.  thankfully,  there was a 7-11 nearby.  But alas!  I didn't bring my cards n had limited cash.  embarrass much! thankfully I managed up dig up my coins n gather enough to pay.  Next, lunch.  No cash,  no card,  how an I to eat? just when I thought all was lost n I had to head home on an empty tummy, I recalled that the hub had left his credit card in the car!  yeah!! my knight in shining armour! at least he is doing something right despite not being in town!  The day didn't end up being that bad afterall as I've finally got my rainbow cake fix. :)

from left: salted caramel rainbow slice (too sweet), clam chowder (slightly salty) and eggs benedict (eggs not well poached and ham slices look insincere)

overall: ambience was simple and calming coz of the white furnishings; service  was good but food wise they've goto try harder. 

PS: For those of you who think that i'm all whiny coz the hubs is not going be around just for that period, FYI, the hub is a slut in the air. Yup, Singapore sometimes ends up as his transit point. His notice for the family can be a mere 24hours at times. This is extremely trying when it comes to child caring arrangements. And sometimes within a month, we'll probably only see each other for a 2 weeks? Even then, the communication is lacking coz mostly we'll be either busy with work or the kid. Lil K has grown up with such arrangement that she now gets confused which continent the father is in. And mostly she thinks that daddy takes the plane to work everyday!

PPS: This bit added on Sunday 20 April 2014:

Conversation between Lil K and I.....

Lil K: Mama, I want to take aeroplane go to Japan

Me: y Japan? 

Lil K: no mama, I want to take aeroplane to thailand to look for papa

awww...so here we are. . Though we couldn't just hop on n fly but, close enough.

Daddy, where are you? :(

Really nice to be chilling with my bub though she was climbing up and down, taking her shoes off and puking milk on the floor.

Thus Far. 31 weeks and counting

So we are in our 31st week already! RED ALERT! Where has all the time gone? My anxiety level is at its all time high and nesting instincts are kicking in fast and furious. It's strange that everyone, including myself, is so chill about this pregnancy. We've announced about the new bun in the oven since Chinese New Year but we've received lukewarm support and giveaways, if any at all. So I waited and waited coz the hubs kept assuring me that there is still time and that friends and relatives will shower us with hand-me-downs. But ALAS! Nothing. He realised that we've probably only got less than 9 more weeks to go! For a normal person with great support system, 9 weeks is a whole lot of time. but in my case, I am pretty much on my own, save for the MIL helping with Lil K's dinner on weekdays and Dad who is the designated chauffeur for Lil K when she dismisses from school in the evening. A big help of course as without Daddy Dearest, who is getting on in age but is always there for me, I wouldn't be able to come this far. Truly, he is the one who has been quietly supporting me, driving me for gynae checkups whenever the hubs is not in town. He brings Lil K and I lunch every weekday. He is my free labour, carrying Lil K, and picking up the grains she spills after lunch. He is my postman, helping with my deliveries to customers. Everyday, I see him age so much and at times I feel awful for not providing him with a better life. Though honestly, I think he his really doing quite well for his age, whilst I'm still struggling my ass off with tons of loans!

Now, with all that said, I should be moving at turbo speed but URGH! NO! Between having to manage chores, work, paying taxes, figuring out heaps of other stuff, revising how to all the baby stuff (which i've yet to do so..breathe breathe) and Lil K, I really don't have the time to do anything else! Really want to get that pre-natal massage and not postpone it to a post natal one. Really want to get those fat feet manicured and not let it outgrow the polish I had on during CNY. But the house is in disarray and it feels like I'm going through major spring cleaning again! I close both eyes and walk in a war zone everyday. but this can't be the way we are receiving our new member. Relax I hear? Chill and be happy? Well, I'm doing my best. In fact, I feel much happier this time round despite having tons to do. Can't help that I'm a planner and don't wish to be bothered by all those stuff during my confinement. Am hoping to put everything in place and hope the things (read Momzilla behaviour: activities for Lil K) I'm stocking up is enough to allow me to have some time to get used to the new pace of life. I'm an extremely random person and my things (despite filing them up) can be all over the place. Things really have to be more organised else I can't imagine the insanity I've to go through with managing the little ones, work and having to be a conscientious cow, which incidentally, I'm trying to break my previous record of 15 months. In addition, I won't be having the usual 4 months maternity break which most FTWMs get to enjoy coz I am accountable to myself.

The list of to-dos and anxiety is mounting but giving me loads of drive and focus. A trait (the drive and focus that is) I wish to pass on to my children. I, of coz, seek to reach an equilibrium but life is short and these are really challenges to make me a stronger person!

I am grateful for all the obstacles in my life. They've strengthen me as I continue with my journey!

Major Meltdown.

Many people would adore their moms. Not me. Since young, we've never had the best relationship. She drove (still drives) me up the wall by screaming at the top of her voice such that every neighbour (upstairs or downstairs) would know us as the notorious pair. Very often, I felt ashamed as a kid. When I got older, things did not improve. She thinks I'm a social butterfly by staying out late at night and locked me out several times. Granted, she's concern of my safety but you know how those project datelines at university can keep you up till the wee hours right? She throws sissy fits when me or dad call in at the last minute saying that we can't come home for dinner. When i confided in Dad, his reply was: Sorry darling, you and her are connected by blood. Me and her only by paper. Good luck. Yup. their marriage is often on the rocks. It is true that it takes two hands to clap but honestly, the Empress Dowager should really reflect.

Anyhowz, something rather touching happened the day after my birthday. The Empress dropped me a text asking if I wanted her to send Lil K home straight after school, feed her and make her sleep instead of going over to the in-laws since her Highness didn't have work that day. OF COZ I WOULD LOVE THAT! And this couldn't be more timely coz my friends and I were intending to celebrate my belated birthday. It was a really great offer as I was just lamenting to my friends that I have a curfew to meet should the MIL be the one looking after Lil K. These days, the hub has been travelling oh so frequent (5 trips since Chinese New Year) that every day after work, it's straight home. Not that I would like to wander around at 9pm, but that meant driving like a mad F1 racer and not being even to pack a decent dinner for myself. Dinner is often at 11pm after I've put the little one to sleep and give myself a good shower. Yup. No one really bothers whether I have eaten or not. Gaining sympathy on FB by posting my instant noodle photos at 11pm doesn't make things better either. I have been feeling so unloved. No good soup from anyone. A far cry from when I had Lil K. Even when I was very ill, no one fussed over me. I was all alone i feel. Until this message from the Empress. Touched me to tears. I got so emo i cried all the way home whilst driving. It's been hell long since I had a good sit down dinner with friends without the need to rush home. I feel jaded. Not coz i don't like taking care of my child, but seriously, I need a breather too. Especially since there's more to come in the next couple of months. It's so easy for the Daddy to simply pack and fly and occasionally drop me a watsapp message to say he misses us all. But that's not enough. This birthday, there were wishes from him, but no presents. This Vday, he arrived back in Sg in the morning only to go to Japan at midnight. Meanwhile, life went on n we had dinner with his family as it was also the 15th day of the lunar new year. It's not that I'm so into such commercial celebrations. Honestly i believe that everyday can be Valentine's day if we treasure and show appreciation. But I feel that lacking at times. When he is home, he's either on his phone playing some game which he claims is highly intellectual (but to me it's somekind of tamagochi), or he'll be out with his friends having tea. Something which I can't do as and when I like. Honestly, it's not that I need or want to be out at unearthly hours...trust me, i'm past that stage. I only need some time for myself. A facial, a pedicure or simply zoning out. 

I'm tired. really tired. Jaded. Really jaded. Drained. Flat. Knackered. Everyday, I'll be getting the lil one ready for school. Prior to that, I'll have to ensure there's lunch and entertainment for her. By entertainment I don't simply mean ipads or dvds -- all of which I don't advocate unless i'm really desperate. I've shared this aspect with the hubs and his reply is that I'm simply obsessed. How can I not be? Occupational hazard i think not. It's more to keep my sanity. Seeing the lil one engage in the activity i've panned out for her makes me happy and it's really a form of achievement. She is kept entertained for a bit and I, on the others hand can get some chores done. Am very encouraged but these days, with a bun in the oven, something simple which could take just 5 minutes for an ordinary person would take me half an hour. And with time not on my end, I'm trying deliriously to think of what are the ways to stock up on entertainment for Lil K when the time comes. I told myself, I must not let her feel neglected. 

A matter of managing expectations i think. And today, i did not do it all that well. Empress Dowager was here as  usual on a Monday. I expected her to feed, bathe and get Lil K ready by a certain time without me breathing down her neck and babysitting them. A simple task like bathing and she needs me to "escort" lil K into the toilet else. She refuses to go in coz she simply dislikes her Ah Ma...to after-bath when mom realized she did not prepare all of Lil K's oils and powder etc and will be lamenting on how bad a mommy I am coz I didn't prepare it for her. Genius. Pure genius. And I ended up being a mother and a servant to them all at once. And I probably expected too much from the hubs. He just touched down that very morning. Probably very jet lag. It's his off day and normally it's me who sends Lil K to school anyway. So he probably thinks having lunch with friends is legit...though i would very much love for him to dine with us, afterall, we haven't had a meal together as a family for weeks. Maybe i expected too much from a man coz afterall, men will always put themselves before others as oppose to women. Or so I feel. In the end, I simply broke down in the toilet. It was 1145am. Lil K hasn't showered and we haven't taken our lunch. We have a schedule to run everyday and that was to leave home by 1230/1245pm max. This day, I know I'm screwed. Lighten up you say? How? When I know I've to move at my daughter's pace? She's all princessy when it comes to getting ready. Slow and steady you say? But, I've to rush off to work the moment I drop her off. Relax, you say? It's fine to be late for work right? Not quite, coz that would mean I'll end work much later and have to head home at breakneck speed, often without dinner, to tuck Lil K into bed coz apparently, the MIL has been complaining that K refuses to be put to bed by her now and would cry or talk incessantly or insist on going downstairs to "wait for mama". She used to be doing such a great job with K until much recently when I've been getting bad vibes. With such instances, how can I not be an F1 driver? With all this influx of emotions, I couldn't handle and a lone tear slipped from my eyes unguarded. This escalated to more tears. I cupped my face in my hands but i was unable to hide the woebegone expression that had invaded me.  My spirits was really at an all-time low. All the bottled up feelings gushed out all at once. Yet, when the hubs asked me what's happening, the words lingered at the tip of my tongue but I failed to verbalise it. Shortly, he probably managed to piece some of my incoherent words together and figured he needed to take some initiative by rushing Empress Dowager (who was oblivious to the time) and feeding Lil K before he headed off for impromptu lunch with friends. I felt a little more comforted but yet, why do I have to voice out my discontentment through such measures? Why can't these people have some sense of urgency or initiation?

All these are certainly unhealthy. It's causing me insomnia too. I need to learn to manage such meltdowns and somehow the emotional hormones are raging furiously these days.  It's tough but tougher times are ahead I'm sure.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.

Eleanor Roosevelt

How to cope with grief

Tick tock tick tock...It's late at night. 2am to be specific at the pt of typing this post. I tossed and turned in bed after Lil K had her dream feed. The obscurity of the night is augmented by the silence. It's somewhat tranquil, yet lonely. I roamed about my house, and finally settled for a moment, standing right by the window. The crescent moon hung ceremoniously accompanied by a couple of stars twinkling like an entourage. I wonder which is Baby B's star. Just as I was embracing the moment, suddenly a jolt of lightning seared through the air. Within seconds, the cumulous clouds opened up like a dam and rain gushed down like white-water...somehow, I felt this was replicating my inner feelings. The pelts of raindrops drenched the Earth and I thought I'd better catch up on work since I can't sleep. As I was ploughing through stuff, suddenly a moth (a big one no less!) flew through my window,as if seeking shelter from the precipitous rain. I looked at it and wonder if it could be Baby B's "visit". You see, the Chinese believe that when a person dies, its soul will reincarnate into an animal and more often than not, they believe that should a moth visit your house, it's likely to be your "next-of-kin". Well, i certainly don't think  grandma, who passed away when I was in Primary school, or great-granny who passed away when I was in Sec School know their way to my home given that I've shifted a few times! So, I decided. It had to be Baby B. I spoke to it and somehow, instead of fly frenetically around due to the prescence of a human being, it stayed put. I was convinced. But then again, I most probably am being emo again.

Griefing is hard work. It takes patience and energy. I was (past tense) in denial and you can't blame me for it as time is needed to achieve acceptance. All is not bleak and I having to cope and regain the sense of control. I need to invest my energy in the future instead of the past. I've been focusing heaps on Lil K and the hub has been a strong pillar of support despite not being there physically due to his crazy business trips. I need to evaluate my direction in life, values and beliefs. What is the meaning of all these? People always say things happen for a reason, so what is the reason? Was it chromosonal abnormality or the fact that i didn't nourish enough during my confinement? I'll probably never know. I know. I am going around in circles. Despite thinking that I've accepted, once a new school of thought gets introduced, it throws everything off course and I'll sink into my abyss once more.

Women don't seem to talk much about it. Researchers indicate that 20% of pregnancy end up in miscarriages. This silence is pervasive and unhealthy. That is why I am venting (sharing) a whole lot. If you dislike my incessant ramblings, I'm sorry, come back in a year's time. I know it's not my fault but the tendency to beat myself up because I know I could have done more to nourish myself is eating me up. It's nature's way of ensuring that only the strong will survive. That I know too. See, I told you I was going in circles.  

One way to cope with difficult times is to talk to friends. I did but the lack of empathy from those close by is rather heartbreaking. In fact, I find talking to aquantainces or  like-minded strangers easier. At least they are more objective.

I know that every advice given is all with good intentions but  I read a book lately (Gorgeous, Sexy, Rich and Strong) and I'd like to quote:

"Listeners should avoid giving advice, criticising what you have heard; or minimising the miscarriage. You should avoid saying things like, "that's okay, you were only three months" (Yup, heard that); using cliches, It was God's will (YAH I heard that a gazillion times!) or "You've already had one healthy child" (That's the ultimate for me!! N i get it ALL THE TIME!). You should also avoid relating of  your own story of loss (I personally find that rather good sharing). Some identification may be helpful, but keep it to a minimum. Don't try to stop someone's expression of emotions whether these are guilt, shame or anger. Do not invalidate how they feel. It is also not your job to take away their pain. People need to deal with pain in their own way"

Invalidation of feelings. That's what I got from many. I've been barking up the wrong tree. Each time I sink into an emotional hole, I simply randomly pick up the phone and confide in the first person I see. Too trusting? Too naive? Thinking that the next-of-kin should be my best bet, I did just that the other day. Not only was my feelings being invalidated, I was given the harsh option of removing the disturbing ovary due to pcos. Geez. If you are unmarried/ not pregnant before or that you have been living in the castle all your life, then who are to make such comments? (as logicial or rational as it sounds) Human nature. When things don't happen to you, you can speak with all positivity and calmness. You dish out advice loosely. Ok, granted not all are like that and am thankful for the strangers/ aquantainces/ friends in my life who are helping me find the purpose of life. Faith is needed to find peace. Maybe my faith ain't strong enough thus I'm still an angsty fellow, as said by a friend who was trying to get me back to church. The whole thing was a tad pushy. Does not going to church brand you as an un-holy person? I have my own special ways of connecting with God so please don't criticise me. I hope some day I'll find my sanctuary of peace and segregate myself from people who will affect me. As much as I appreciate all the help rendered, I think by doing so would make my life less miserable.

It's 6am now (no i didn't take hours to craft this entry! was in between stuff). Am gonna get ready to hit the wet market --therapeutic! Will go get my nourishment myself and strive to be a healthier person. The sun will soon cast its brilliant rays across th land, creating a masterpiece, signally the start of a brand new day. With the new day beckoning, I look forward to a new me (or rather, the old me) soon!

 

PS: Don't be afraid to post me comments after this! haha
PPS: The moth stayed till the next day and flew to the dining area and stayed there whilst we were having dinner. Thereafter, it left. Hmmm....call me silly but I'm really having a funny feeling.