How I met your father

Dear Ks,

Before your father starts telling you a warped story that it was me who shamelessly lured him into being his girlfriend (then) and wife (now), let me set the story straight. 

Long, long ago, in a dilapidated school, where Chinese culture was prevalent, a boy and a girl met. I had never imagined myself being in such an environment. I mean, dilapidated is bad enough -- Think toilet doors not having sufficient lightings and its wooden doors not having a lock. Sanitary conditions were deploring. What's more, the place was infused with students speaking in Mandarin. Nothing against that. In fact, ultimately I am pleased with the outcome -- A1 for Chinese! I'm Chinese, but growing up in an all-English speaking environment meant that I would be rather awkward in this school. My grades could have gotten me a place in some other schools, but nooooooo.... I had to go against my parents' wishes and choose this school which was totally unknown to me. (Please don't do that to me, dear children. )Why? Not because I knew it would be the place where I will find the man of my dreams. But it was all in the name of peer pressure. You see, back then, we had to choose our schools before our PSLE results were announced. It was a gamble. I followed the pack blindly. But alas, most of my friends received better results and were posted to other schools. Also, unbeknownst to me, most of their first choices weren't this particular cheena school, but were another! *HORRORS. So children, my advice is, don't follow the crowd blindly. 

So I was thrown into a dark abyss. Having to swim in a sea of strangers wasn't easy. Back in Secondary 1, I was next to this class filled with Ah Bengs (aka gangsters). The bunch of rambunctious boys often created havoc along the corridor. I didn't quite bother but there were a few punks who were pretty notorious and that caught my attention. One of whom was you father, who wasn't from that class though. I was rather appalled by their behaviour at times. Anyway, the following year, we were streamed and I was in the top class. Your mother is smart, my dears. Lo and behold, the notorious one aka your father, was also in the same class as me! Shocking! Ok, fine. He is quite a smart one, kids. But it was then, that I realised that he was different from the rest of the boisterous boys. At least he wasn't just some empty vessel. He was very vocal and smart and had extremely good rapport with the teachers. During the year, we hardly interacted but got a little more acquainted during an interclass swimming competition which I forced him to join, just to make up the numbers. He wasn't any eye candy in terms of physique in case you are wondering. I was also in the same ECA (extra curricular activity) group as his buddy which made our connection a little more comfortable.

Following that, we were classmates for 2 years. All these while, I didn't have a great opinion of him. I felt that he was probably one of those rich spoilt brats as he was constantly chauffeured to school in his parents' Mercedes or BMW and was always sashaying down the aisle in his Armani or United Colours of Benetton bag, with his socks pulled high and hmm I can't quite recall but he might have one of those plastic combs with a long tail stuck on his back pocket! How annoying is that? During those two years, he constantly teased me and amused me with his antics. I found it irritating, yet strangely, fun. I think it was because of this, my profile went up a notch. All of a sudden, all eyes were on us! Even my best friend came forth to ask if something was going on between us! No way! I didn't even entertain such thoughts because seriously, he was a menace. Once, when I was taking my siesta, he called to date me out for a movie. He caught me in the middle of a lovely dream and that put me in a foul mood. I hung the phone up rudely. Thinking that I was simply trying to be cautious/ worried that I was the only girl around/ trying to act coy, he got his buddy to make a second call and I was told that a girlfriend of mine was coming along! Ahhhh...that would have been a great tactic save for the fact that The girlfriend was in Malaysia then!

So things didn't take off. We went to our Junior Colleges respectively. On the first day of school, my eyes actually lit up and heart skipped a beat for a moment when his name was called out during the attendance taking. His name wasn't a common one hence it had to be HIM! I looked around the sea of uniforms but saw no sign of him. Disappointment sank in the pit of my stomach as here I am, once again, alone in a new environment. Nevertheless, life went on. We both got attached shortly after but they were just puppy loves. 

Fast forward, we lost contact for those two years but somehow got reconnected during my university days over the now defunct ICQ! Oh-oh! It was a messaging platform online, similar to watsapp or Facebook if you even have that in your era by the time you decide to read this space. He was in the army and probably was bored, hence would be online most nights. Me, being a night owl too (and bored) would also be online. We started chatting and one day, he asked if I wanted to go see some car show with him. Hmm...why not? Interesting to see if this Ah beng has changed. The last I heard, he had long hair during JC! So before we went to check out some fast wheels, we had a simple dinner at Far East Shopping centre and I was totally disturbed by his ungentlemaness, if there's even such a word. He did not offer to pay for the meal! Mind you, it was only a plate of curry rice so I am pretty sure his meagre salary from the army would cover it! So that meetup didn't go too great. 

That's Me, in the middle in case you can't recognise! We were are the airport sending his buddy (seated first on the left in the first row)

Shortly after, his buddy left for the States. It was a very late night flight and I joined him and a bunch of others in sending this buddy off. He offered to send me home that night. I think it was then that my opinion of him started to get a tad better for some strange reason. Maybe this spark was already in me, waiting to be rekindled. It was a love-hate relationship. I'm not sure. Love is quite a strange thing as you will learn. Each day, I would look forward to that "Oh-oh" and we would sometimes meet up for supper. Several a times, when I was staying late in school to study, he would even drop by my university to bring me out for supper. Mind you, he stayed in the east and I studied in the west! That's quite a journey! Even his mom started telling the kampong that something was fishy. Coincidentally, one of my seniors was his cousin! I only knew it when one night, they saw and acknowledged each other! The world just got smaller didn't it? 

Things progressed nicely and his charisma outshone his menacing ways. Yes, he still irritates me. So we weren't a couple until one fine night............

4th September 1998: He asked me out for a movie -- Blade. It was the most unromantic, stupidest show ever. I guess this nature of him tagged along over the years. It was some superhero show staring Wesley Snipes. Tell me about Batman or Superman, I'll probably appreciate. But Blade? huh? Who? And the venue was worse! It was at SHAW along Beach Road. He claimed that it was easier to get tickets over there. Well, OF COZ! the place was so shabby. I could have sworn it was his plot in getting me to fly into his arms and jump upon seeing a cockroach! ok, so, I couldn't quite remember the plot, but during the show, I felt that our arms kept nudging each other. There was a connection and it was a nice electrifying feeling. Then, while we walked out of the cinema, in pitch darkness, our fingers interlocked slowly. Just like that. The strange bit was, when we later bummed into one of our mutual friends right outside the theatre, our hands immediately loosened! It's as if we did something wrong! That night, we were out meeting a friend for supper and sensing that something was amiss, that friend asked if we were "going steady" gosh..is there even some new lingo the youngsters use these days? Steady means you are in a stable relationship with someone. That person may otherwise be known as your "stead". Anyhoots, we denied almost simultaneously. To me, it was probably a natural reaction as the whole world knew I was irritated by his mannerisms and now, all of a sudden, he was my Boyfriend? haha..It took me a while, quite a while, for the whole thing to sink in. But I must say, it felt good. Sweet dreams every night. I knew i could count on him like if I got myself drunk at some pub. In fact, there was once, a bunch of classmates and I were at a bash and I had a drop too much. I knew I was going to be a goner that night. So, I brought my girlfriend to a corner in the toilet, sat on top of a bin and instructed for her to call my boyfriend (your father). His number was deeply etched in my memory even though I was already way tipsy. The entire episode was later related to me by my gf who couldn't believe how coherent I was when rattling his mobile number. I guess, he must be the one then. :P. PS: Children, please don't be dead drunk or for that matter, get yourself into such situations as it can be really dangerous.

From that day, we called each other every night. Or rather, he, called me from camp every night. The poor dude had to queue up for the public phone until shortly after, he got a mobile phone. We went on several trips with friends and got to know each other even better. Children, please note that Mama here will only allow you to go overseas with your boyfriend/ girlfriend if it is in a big group! He used to be an Ah beng, but has mellowed down tremendously. His wits and humour makes me love him more and more each day. Our opposing character brought us closer. I am a hopeless romantic, living in fantasy while he is a practical person who doesn't give a hoot about your fantasies. Initially, I didn't take well to his sarcasms which he thought was humorous, but after a while, I grew to be just as sarcastic. 

Us. ROMed on 14 October 2006

Living up to our Ah Beng and erm Ah Lian name

Us. Married. 14 October 2007. Photos taken at the place where we met. I told you it was rich in Chinese culture! It was a truly memorable session to be taking our wedding shots at the school with a bunch of brothers and sisters who were mostly from the school as well.

It is a journey nothing short of amazing thus far with this man whom I call my husband since October 14, 2006. There were no fireworks kindof proposals from your father in case you are wondering because, given his nature, he'd rather take the more practical approach which was "Shall we go get a HDB"...-_-. He did, however try to give me a proper surprise proposal. He had to get his friend to give him bits of ideas and courage but the whole surprise was killed as he was discussing with the friend what to do when I was next to him! Yes, that's your father. Not very smart in the romance department. I have known him for 24years and counting and you could say that he is my bbff (bestest best friend forever). I am able to be me in front of him. Unpretentious and totally idiotic. We would bicker a lot but would always find a way to resolve the problem. He is often saying that I am the worm in his stomach. I can't rely on his for aesthetics, but I certainly can rely on him when I am in trouble or down. I will never forget the time he had dropped his work the moment he touched down in a foreign land, miles away and flew back on a 20hr flight the moment he heard that we lost the sibling you never met. I appreciate this man, your father, for the times he has been there for me. He has made several sacrifices and gives in to me frequently and for that, I thank him.

First there were three.....

Now, there are four.

Really blessed to have such a gorgeous family!

He has played a big part in giving me two beautiful children and for that, I thank him too (shhh, don't tell him, lest he gets swollen headed again). My dear Ks, I hope that you will each find the partner of your dreams and that he/ she will be someone whom you could confide in and rely on. Someone whom you can trust your life with. Someone who will love you for who you are and will love your parents of coz! Someone who is romantic yet sincere; Someone who is witty and not too irritating; Someone you love. But darlings, please don't let this day come too soon. Not when you are still in Secondary School ok?!

Love,

Mama

This post is part of the "How I met your father" blog train hosted by The Chill Mom. Join me and fellow mommy bloggers as we turn back time and get all nostalgic!

Next up, we have super momma, May from A Million Little Echoes:

"First of May marks their 9th wedding anniversary. Meyer and May were each other's first love and she was only 16 when they became an item. Fast forward 18 years later, they are now parents to two little imps. How did their mother meet their father? Find out more at A Million Little Echoes next!"

How to cope with grief

Tick tock tick tock...It's late at night. 2am to be specific at the pt of typing this post. I tossed and turned in bed after Lil K had her dream feed. The obscurity of the night is augmented by the silence. It's somewhat tranquil, yet lonely. I roamed about my house, and finally settled for a moment, standing right by the window. The crescent moon hung ceremoniously accompanied by a couple of stars twinkling like an entourage. I wonder which is Baby B's star. Just as I was embracing the moment, suddenly a jolt of lightning seared through the air. Within seconds, the cumulous clouds opened up like a dam and rain gushed down like white-water...somehow, I felt this was replicating my inner feelings. The pelts of raindrops drenched the Earth and I thought I'd better catch up on work since I can't sleep. As I was ploughing through stuff, suddenly a moth (a big one no less!) flew through my window,as if seeking shelter from the precipitous rain. I looked at it and wonder if it could be Baby B's "visit". You see, the Chinese believe that when a person dies, its soul will reincarnate into an animal and more often than not, they believe that should a moth visit your house, it's likely to be your "next-of-kin". Well, i certainly don't think  grandma, who passed away when I was in Primary school, or great-granny who passed away when I was in Sec School know their way to my home given that I've shifted a few times! So, I decided. It had to be Baby B. I spoke to it and somehow, instead of fly frenetically around due to the prescence of a human being, it stayed put. I was convinced. But then again, I most probably am being emo again.

Griefing is hard work. It takes patience and energy. I was (past tense) in denial and you can't blame me for it as time is needed to achieve acceptance. All is not bleak and I having to cope and regain the sense of control. I need to invest my energy in the future instead of the past. I've been focusing heaps on Lil K and the hub has been a strong pillar of support despite not being there physically due to his crazy business trips. I need to evaluate my direction in life, values and beliefs. What is the meaning of all these? People always say things happen for a reason, so what is the reason? Was it chromosonal abnormality or the fact that i didn't nourish enough during my confinement? I'll probably never know. I know. I am going around in circles. Despite thinking that I've accepted, once a new school of thought gets introduced, it throws everything off course and I'll sink into my abyss once more.

Women don't seem to talk much about it. Researchers indicate that 20% of pregnancy end up in miscarriages. This silence is pervasive and unhealthy. That is why I am venting (sharing) a whole lot. If you dislike my incessant ramblings, I'm sorry, come back in a year's time. I know it's not my fault but the tendency to beat myself up because I know I could have done more to nourish myself is eating me up. It's nature's way of ensuring that only the strong will survive. That I know too. See, I told you I was going in circles.  

One way to cope with difficult times is to talk to friends. I did but the lack of empathy from those close by is rather heartbreaking. In fact, I find talking to aquantainces or  like-minded strangers easier. At least they are more objective.

I know that every advice given is all with good intentions but  I read a book lately (Gorgeous, Sexy, Rich and Strong) and I'd like to quote:

"Listeners should avoid giving advice, criticising what you have heard; or minimising the miscarriage. You should avoid saying things like, "that's okay, you were only three months" (Yup, heard that); using cliches, It was God's will (YAH I heard that a gazillion times!) or "You've already had one healthy child" (That's the ultimate for me!! N i get it ALL THE TIME!). You should also avoid relating of  your own story of loss (I personally find that rather good sharing). Some identification may be helpful, but keep it to a minimum. Don't try to stop someone's expression of emotions whether these are guilt, shame or anger. Do not invalidate how they feel. It is also not your job to take away their pain. People need to deal with pain in their own way"

Invalidation of feelings. That's what I got from many. I've been barking up the wrong tree. Each time I sink into an emotional hole, I simply randomly pick up the phone and confide in the first person I see. Too trusting? Too naive? Thinking that the next-of-kin should be my best bet, I did just that the other day. Not only was my feelings being invalidated, I was given the harsh option of removing the disturbing ovary due to pcos. Geez. If you are unmarried/ not pregnant before or that you have been living in the castle all your life, then who are to make such comments? (as logicial or rational as it sounds) Human nature. When things don't happen to you, you can speak with all positivity and calmness. You dish out advice loosely. Ok, granted not all are like that and am thankful for the strangers/ aquantainces/ friends in my life who are helping me find the purpose of life. Faith is needed to find peace. Maybe my faith ain't strong enough thus I'm still an angsty fellow, as said by a friend who was trying to get me back to church. The whole thing was a tad pushy. Does not going to church brand you as an un-holy person? I have my own special ways of connecting with God so please don't criticise me. I hope some day I'll find my sanctuary of peace and segregate myself from people who will affect me. As much as I appreciate all the help rendered, I think by doing so would make my life less miserable.

It's 6am now (no i didn't take hours to craft this entry! was in between stuff). Am gonna get ready to hit the wet market --therapeutic! Will go get my nourishment myself and strive to be a healthier person. The sun will soon cast its brilliant rays across th land, creating a masterpiece, signally the start of a brand new day. With the new day beckoning, I look forward to a new me (or rather, the old me) soon!

 

PS: Don't be afraid to post me comments after this! haha
PPS: The moth stayed till the next day and flew to the dining area and stayed there whilst we were having dinner. Thereafter, it left. Hmmm....call me silly but I'm really having a funny feeling.

In loving memory

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"The world may never notice if a rosebud doesn't bloom

or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon

but every life that ever forms

or ever comes to be

touches the world

in some small way for all eternity

the little one we longed for

was swiftly here and gone

but the love that was then planted

is a light that still shines on

and though our arms are empty

our hearts know what to do

every beating of our heart says

We will remember you."

mother's day will never be the same again

While many others were busy blogging about how wonderful a Mother's day they had, i was in a different realm. It started off a happy day despite being a lil disgruntled that the hubs was in a different timezone. I was beaming with pride and euphoria as the thought of having two wonderful children to celebrate every Mother's Day from now on flooded into my mind. I wasn't in denial or hallucinating. I was really pregnant. Unbeknownst, God had other plans that would shatter it all. On 15.05.2013, Dr Ho announced that Bb B's (a name my daughter affectionately given to her sibling) heart has stopped. My heart fell upon hearing the news. I was in disbelief! How could such a thing be happening to me? I was distraught, devastated and alone. The hub was miles away n when i broke the news to him, he was speechless but picked up the pieces really quickly and consoled me. I called my family and Empress Dowager's first words were "don't you dare cry!" She didn't come to stand by me coz she was more concern about her small puny business, if u can even call that a business. I was shivering in cold. I put on a brave front when facing Dr Ho. I wanted to ask him all i could in my controlled state of sanity. WHY? Chromosonal abnormality was most probably the cause he said. It apparently affects many modern day women and most will not get past 10wks. I was 9. The lil one already had a heartbeat but it was called home to be with the Lord. N dr believed it happened a few days back thus i conclude it was Mother's Day when i caved into temptation by eating my favourite crabs. 

U see, I was a very staunch believer of TCM during my first pregnancy. My physician is extremely strict and I followed his orders. No seafood (poisonous), no meats except pork and occasionally chicken coz the rest are either poisonous or like duck is known to be "cooling". He's basically against meats coz it decays the fastest according to him. Veg -- to avoid melons and kangkong. Oh goodness, these are my favourite, but i listened during my first pregnancy. This time, i decided to go with the western thoughts and that is to take everything in moderation, afterall, as long as it's not raw, it can't kill right? And the sil, has to buy my favourite on this day. initially i said no. The mil asked y n casted me a look that hinted that i'm ridiculous. I replied it's poisonous according to the Chinese dr coz crabs eat decay stuff...her response: poisonous so? Cannot eat ah? Speechless. That was when i took a small claw. Though that wasn't the cause from a scientific perspective, but it has amounted to lots of guilt on my part. Right from the start it hasn't been an easy pregnancy. 

First Trimester: Morning sickness rendered me lethargic and was in no mood to work. Yet i had to push myself. My hormone levels were probably low according to the gynae as i spotted a couple of times. I had to go for jabs twice weekly on top of the Duphaston (taken orally) and crimson (injected vaginally daily). It was exhausting but i was determined to make it work. The tcm dr assured me my body was good and there's nothing to worry about. 3 days later, the bad news dawned.

Empathy from family was not at it's peak but I am thankful for friends. The hub managed to get a flight n departed within 2 hours of receiving my call. After over 20hours of flight, he was finally here. It's strange but i felt more at peace when he is around. I bawled out but regained composure quickly with him by my side. Though deep down i was still bleeding, i was glad that this husband of mine did not fail me and sat through with me for the procedure. Don't forget he is probably still jet lagging. So yes, a loud shoutout to you my dear even though u don't read this space of mine: thank u, i appreciate u! 

The Dilation (or dilatation) and curettage (D&C)  procedure was really fast. It refers to the dilation (widening/opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping (curettage). It's a blind procedure, meaning, the gynae does not have a screen to see what's happening in there and it's all base on gut feeling! If the evacuation is not done well, several things can happen:

• Risks associated with anesthesia such as adverse reaction to medication and breathing problems
• Hemorrhage or heavy bleeding
• Infection in the uterus or other pelvic organs
• Perforation or puncture to the uterus
• Laceration or weakening of the cervix
• Scarring of the uterus or cervix, which may require further treatment
• Incomplete procedure which requires another procedure to be performed

Imagine the fear that was instilled in me prior to the operation!! But it was the professional's duty to warn me. I prayed hard that all would go well and it did. Within 45 minutes and i was wheeled back to the ward. It was pretty painless too, probably because many friends kept me in prayers. I was told to expect some bearable cramping and bleeding from a few days to up to 3 weeks.

After the procedure, mum called to say she boiled some soup for me and even though i just had an op, we drove to her place to collect straight after discharge. I told you empathy was lacking right? Over at the in-laws, things weren't any better. Perhaps they are not very conversant people but yet i'd say their way of consolation is much to my liking. In particular, the mil drew a parallel with a relative with a similar experience recently. Was there such a need? Other ppl's loss doesn't justify own loss! She went on to tell me about some friend who gave birth to an autistic child and has painstakingly raised her for years. I really don't think such cases were apt in such a state of emotional distress. Blame it on the lack of EQ or empathy perhaps? I was hoping for more empathy from those two women in my life, afterall, they both went through such a procedure for different reasons. But I was wrong. Upset is such an understatement.

48 hours passed since the op and still no nourishing soup from the mil. What a joke. The hubs insisted i focus on nursing myself to health and was confident his mum would help in every aspect especially cooking, but thankfully i had foresight. I've catered my own confinement food ( whilst waiting for the procedure to be done!) which unfortunately starts only on Tuesday. He instructed the mil to cook nourishing stuff for me and assumed i'll get it everyday. He was wrong. A call back home on Sunday and mil said she was going out thus not cooking. Hub's reply: means Janice has nothing to eat? Surprise Surprise? It seemed that the Mil had plans to head out. I ended up having to cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for myself and my daughter. Everyone says Rest! How i ask, with such support system? It's no wonder the sil often tells me it's best to depend on no one but yrself.

A week has passed since the news of my loss. I'm pretty fine physically but work has to come to a standstill for this and next mth. NO work = no money thus I've gotto be frugal. I'm doing my own confinement by cooking soups and boiling herbs for my bath (yes, that icky herbal bath, else I was instructed by my mom not to bathe, just like during confinement). So there, how again can I rest? In the day, I still have my adorable Baby K to look after. A joy in fact. All my efforts, energy and focus is on her. So much so, sweetie says I'm probably overzealous. I have to keep my mind occupied. I’ve been busy churning out new materials, trying to complete the projects that have been gaining dust. I've been following up on the mountain of chores which I was unable to complete during the past 9wks when I was absolutely lethargic. It felt good that the house is clean once more but once that is done, I'm lost again. 

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.

A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That nobody could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.