Loneliness is consuming my mind

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Dear Diary,

Not sure why, but I've been feeling melancholic of late. Can't quite point the finger on the exact thing though. Am just going through life robotic-ally and am nowhere near clearing my backlog. The chase is tiring but inevitable. Amid the music and intoxication, I constantly feel my heart stirring quietly. Been immersing myself with work and social gatherings so as to forget the lonesome feeling. Emptiness is scary. Universal longing for love perhaps; or yearning to excel further and to cull the procrastination; exhaustion setting in, or probably just wanting a break from it all. A break to look forward to like old times. Feelings, unlike golf or trigonometry, defy the rule that you can improve on something by expending more effort. I know I've given loads of effort. But... I'm running out of ideas as to how I should intoxicate myself. Am anxiously awaiting for enrollment for my course in September which hopefully would do my portfolio good. Not sure exactly why I'm subjecting myself to more work and stress. Perhaps the fear for loneliness is exponentially consuming my mind. I've been waiting for that special day/ moment when he'd surprise me with a note/ present/ flower/ plan/ a spontaneous decision to go on a date, but I can only silently wait and be the woman behind her man. So cliche. How long has it been? I've lost count. I guess he did to. Life together is slowly sneaking into oblivion. Someone once said " As long as a man has testosterone, he is subjected to its indomitable command." Agree. Schedules seemed to be planned around him, but I'm only updated about his, when a tantrum is thrown. It's getting really tiring and I certainly do not enjoy it. Sacrifices have been made on both ends, but the scale is somewhat tilting towards my end. Why am I so needy, ever pinning for a man to share my life. Despite reaching out, I find myself utterly alone in the end. Weariness is mounting. I try to with-hold my selfish thoughts, but I just want to be pampered and well taken care of.

Is that too much to ask?