Tick tock tick tock...It's late at night. 2am to be specific at the pt of typing this post. I tossed and turned in bed after Lil K had her dream feed. The obscurity of the night is augmented by the silence. It's somewhat tranquil, yet lonely. I roamed about my house, and finally settled for a moment, standing right by the window. The crescent moon hung ceremoniously accompanied by a couple of stars twinkling like an entourage. I wonder which is Baby B's star. Just as I was embracing the moment, suddenly a jolt of lightning seared through the air. Within seconds, the cumulous clouds opened up like a dam and rain gushed down like white-water...somehow, I felt this was replicating my inner feelings. The pelts of raindrops drenched the Earth and I thought I'd better catch up on work since I can't sleep. As I was ploughing through stuff, suddenly a moth (a big one no less!) flew through my window,as if seeking shelter from the precipitous rain. I looked at it and wonder if it could be Baby B's "visit". You see, the Chinese believe that when a person dies, its soul will reincarnate into an animal and more often than not, they believe that should a moth visit your house, it's likely to be your "next-of-kin". Well, i certainly don't think grandma, who passed away when I was in Primary school, or great-granny who passed away when I was in Sec School know their way to my home given that I've shifted a few times! So, I decided. It had to be Baby B. I spoke to it and somehow, instead of fly frenetically around due to the prescence of a human being, it stayed put. I was convinced. But then again, I most probably am being emo again.
Griefing is hard work. It takes patience and energy. I was (past tense) in denial and you can't blame me for it as time is needed to achieve acceptance. All is not bleak and I having to cope and regain the sense of control. I need to invest my energy in the future instead of the past. I've been focusing heaps on Lil K and the hub has been a strong pillar of support despite not being there physically due to his crazy business trips. I need to evaluate my direction in life, values and beliefs. What is the meaning of all these? People always say things happen for a reason, so what is the reason? Was it chromosonal abnormality or the fact that i didn't nourish enough during my confinement? I'll probably never know. I know. I am going around in circles. Despite thinking that I've accepted, once a new school of thought gets introduced, it throws everything off course and I'll sink into my abyss once more.
Women don't seem to talk much about it. Researchers indicate that 20% of pregnancy end up in miscarriages. This silence is pervasive and unhealthy. That is why I am venting (sharing) a whole lot. If you dislike my incessant ramblings, I'm sorry, come back in a year's time. I know it's not my fault but the tendency to beat myself up because I know I could have done more to nourish myself is eating me up. It's nature's way of ensuring that only the strong will survive. That I know too. See, I told you I was going in circles.
One way to cope with difficult times is to talk to friends. I did but the lack of empathy from those close by is rather heartbreaking. In fact, I find talking to aquantainces or like-minded strangers easier. At least they are more objective.
I know that every advice given is all with good intentions but I read a book lately (Gorgeous, Sexy, Rich and Strong) and I'd like to quote:
"Listeners should avoid giving advice, criticising what you have heard; or minimising the miscarriage. You should avoid saying things like, "that's okay, you were only three months" (Yup, heard that); using cliches, It was God's will (YAH I heard that a gazillion times!) or "You've already had one healthy child" (That's the ultimate for me!! N i get it ALL THE TIME!). You should also avoid relating of your own story of loss (I personally find that rather good sharing). Some identification may be helpful, but keep it to a minimum. Don't try to stop someone's expression of emotions whether these are guilt, shame or anger. Do not invalidate how they feel. It is also not your job to take away their pain. People need to deal with pain in their own way"
Invalidation of feelings. That's what I got from many. I've been barking up the wrong tree. Each time I sink into an emotional hole, I simply randomly pick up the phone and confide in the first person I see. Too trusting? Too naive? Thinking that the next-of-kin should be my best bet, I did just that the other day. Not only was my feelings being invalidated, I was given the harsh option of removing the disturbing ovary due to pcos. Geez. If you are unmarried/ not pregnant before or that you have been living in the castle all your life, then who are to make such comments? (as logicial or rational as it sounds) Human nature. When things don't happen to you, you can speak with all positivity and calmness. You dish out advice loosely. Ok, granted not all are like that and am thankful for the strangers/ aquantainces/ friends in my life who are helping me find the purpose of life. Faith is needed to find peace. Maybe my faith ain't strong enough thus I'm still an angsty fellow, as said by a friend who was trying to get me back to church. The whole thing was a tad pushy. Does not going to church brand you as an un-holy person? I have my own special ways of connecting with God so please don't criticise me. I hope some day I'll find my sanctuary of peace and segregate myself from people who will affect me. As much as I appreciate all the help rendered, I think by doing so would make my life less miserable.
It's 6am now (no i didn't take hours to craft this entry! was in between stuff). Am gonna get ready to hit the wet market --therapeutic! Will go get my nourishment myself and strive to be a healthier person. The sun will soon cast its brilliant rays across th land, creating a masterpiece, signally the start of a brand new day. With the new day beckoning, I look forward to a new me (or rather, the old me) soon!
PS: Don't be afraid to post me comments after this! haha
PPS: The moth stayed till the next day and flew to the dining area and stayed there whilst we were having dinner. Thereafter, it left. Hmmm....call me silly but I'm really having a funny feeling.
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